Sea Hag Eats It

Candy Detox: Day 5

2009-01-14T10:51:00.000-05:00

Today's dose of gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, vegan, kosher, certified organic and fair trade candy is a Larabar Jocalat Food Bar. (Not to be confused by the Larabar Jocalat Soap Bar, I guess). I got it at Trader Joes on the aisle of all their stuff that they sell in bar-form.

It tasted OK, I think they were going for the look and taste of a brownie here. I ate about half of one of these before work and it kinda tasted brownie-like, but it had a weird tangy aftertaste and I figured it was all of those vitamins I wasn't used to.

But then.

About an hour later I started having... um... bubbly guts. Bad. After several hours I finally recovered and I read the ingredients list on this stupid thing. First ingredient: dates. It's basically a giant bar made up of the most squishy fiber-y fruit you can imagine. Yeah. And I only ate half of this thing, and a serving size is one whole bar. I would have had to have had my mail sent to the bathroom at work had I eaten the whole thing.

Candy Detox: Day 4

2009-01-13T11:58:00.000-05:00

OK, so I might have found the first healthy candy that doesn't make me want to yank out my tongue and stomp on it: Bija Omega Truffles. I found these in the refrigerated section at Whole Foods near all the good lip balm and the wacky health supplements they sell. I liked the fact that these candies were marketed as being like a vitamin and not an 'energy' bar or whatever. Plus I really like hazelnut flavored anything so I got these.

The first bite of these were a thick milk chocolate shell with some sort of flaky "99% organic" stuff in the middle. It was smooth, creamy, oily, and sweet with a little bitterness to it, which was at first pretty off-putting, but it's the same exact taste of the skin of a hazelnut and it went nicely with the sweetness of the chocolate and made me ignore all of the "Udo's Oil 3-6-9 Blend" I was ingesting and was sure to be shortly Slip 'N' Sliding out of my colon in a few hours.

And just what is this Udo's Oil, you may ask? At first, I had thought it said Udon's Oil so I thought it might be full of those really big fat Japanese noodles. Michael, who I made try one of these truffles, said that Udo was a guy's name in Germany, so I was worried that it was like, one of those things that was supposed to make me get a big boner or grow a testicle or something. (I keep checking, and I'm still an innie, thank Flying Spaghetti Monster.) Finally I looked it up and it's like, some kind of essential fatty acids that body builders swear by to help them lose fat (huh?) but help their skin to keep from looking totally leathery. So I guess it's supposed to give me a nice, shiny coat and help with any potential 'roid rage.

Candy Detox: Day 3

2009-01-12T22:03:00.003-05:00

Today I had a Bumble Bar (chai with almonds) from Trader Joes. I bought it mainly because I want the walls of the living room to one day be the color of this wrapper. Home Depot said they could mix up some paint color just like it, no sweat. You know those paint mixer machines? Why hasn't someone made little ones for mixed drinks? Note to self: Invent paint mixer drink machines, invent equally silly glass/bucket-style container to fit in them, along with appropriate beverage. Make millions.

What was I talking about again? Oh, Bumblebee Tuna. I like the word 'bumble'. Yeah. All these organics must be making me think so much clearer now! It's a bunch of seeds glued together in some sort of sweet glue that is not made of any sort of soy, meat, dairy, gluten, or corn syrup, so I have no idea what the hell it could possibly be made out of other than like seeds and insect spit and hippie tears. Some helicopter mom actually wrote this about these bars:

Please note: Soy Lecithin is used as a processing agent with Organic Canola Oil. I was concerned about the soy used in the Bumble Bars and asked about it. They do not use conventional soy lecithin which is highly likely GMO; they agreed typical soy lecithin was a big concern. Instead they use non-GMO. They have tried to make the bars without it, but they need it in order that the mixture doesn't stick to the pans. They only use it in processing the bars. I felt much more comfortable when I learned that they use only 2 teaspoons for every 5000 bars, quite a minute amount. And my kids love them so I think it's a great snack (and I know they are getting calcium and important nutrients.) Please note that each bar may contain traces of peanuts since they are created on the same line. Again, I was concerned about the peanuts and asked from where they came and the peanuts are indeed from Arizona so no concern about the toxic mold that grows on southern peanuts. They are not recommended for diabetics. Can be stored at room temperature or in the refrigerator.

Wow. I can't imagine what this mom would do if she got a hold of the ingredients list of a McNuggett.

These are OK, they remind me of those things that you stick in a parakeet's cage that are bell-shaped and made out of seeds. Also the Bumble Bar is too big. About half-way through it my teeth started to hurt from all the chewing and I lost interest. Maybe if I was a brontosaurus I'd have the grindy molars capable of masticating this whole thing, but alas, I do not.

Candy Detox: Day 2

2009-01-11T23:50:00.004-05:00

I had no idea what the fuck a mulberry was when I bought these things, but so far I'd never met a berry I didn't like: blueberry, strawberry, cranberry, raspberry, blackberry, Boo Berry, Halle Berry; it's all good. Plus, it was covered in dark chocolate, so in spite of all the goofy Earth-humper sayings on the package I bought a pack of Organic Dark Chocolate Covered Mulberries at Whole Foods to try.

Well, they certainly smelled wonderful when I opened the bag, and I totally appreciate any sack o' snacks that thoughtfully includes a handy little zip-top so you don't have to shame your self by snorting them down in one sitting. Maybe these would be my "thing" from now on. I'd be that girl who eats the chocolate-covered mulberries. "I'm going to Whole Foods to get some more Dark Chocolate Covered Mulberries. You know I've just got to have my Dark Chocolate Covered Mulberries."

Oh, but then I tasted one. First off, the package claimed that these things were "purely nourishing chewy sweetness." I didn't bother even reading the nutritional value of these things, but they sure as fuck weren't chewy. They were totally crunchy on the inside. Crunchy like exosketeton crunchy. And let me be the first to tell you that mulberries taste wonderfully of hand soap. Yum yum. So tangy! So bitter! And the taste willl linger on your tongue and the back of your teeth in spite of repeat tooth brushings thanks to the exuberant amount of "Pure Food Glaze" (organic and FairTrade Certified by BCS Oko-Garantie GmbH!) that will coat your entire digestive tract.

So, fuck mulberries. Fuck 'em right in the ear.

Candy Detox: Day 1

2009-01-10T01:53:00.005-05:00

My first day in Candy Rehab started with Ruth's HempPower Chocolate Raspberry Bar. I was hoping that, because I bought this in a co-op in Little 5 Points where all the hobos pee in the parking lot and not at a health food conglomerate like Whole Foods I'd have actually bought a, you know, "magic" hemp bar that would help me get through the first couple days of Candy DTs, but no such luck. My big clue should have been big kosher-approved seal on the front.

I opened the package and the bar smelled like the inside of a Pier 1. Like all potpourri and wicker chairs and sari fabric. And the taste? Well... I think it tasted like a pine cone. And not even a pine cone that tasted like raspberries or chocolate! I don't know what Ruth was smoking, possibly she was hoarding all the THC she sucked out of my hemp bar, but this hot mess didn't even remotely taste like anything but broom straw. Speaking of which! Right before I went to bed, I had some amazing intestinal distress that was finally quelled by an entire bottle of Pepto. I place the blame squarely on Ruth and her abomination!

Wow, I Haven't Blogged Since Last Year!

2009-01-09T01:15:00.018-05:00

Man, that joke is always funny every year. It's a shame that it only has shelf-life of early January, tops.

Yeah, so, about that gap in blogging... a lot has been going on in The Sea Hag 'Verse that my lawyers have advised me against posting about, for my blogs can be used against me later in a court of law, but I can tell you this: do not go to Vegas and drink White Russians alone in Caesar's Palace or you might find yourself married to a Jewish stranger from Austin, Texas who claims to be working on a deal between Manischewitz and Office Depot to manufacture envelopes with glue that is both grape-flavored and kosher.

This is the one and only wedding photo we got. We had a drunk Rodeo Nationals guy take it. You could have served Christmas dinner on his belt buckle. He was so hammered he took this craptacular picture and then turned around and started to pee in a potted plant. And yes, that appears to be a viking horn on my head, and no, I didn't marry Flavor Flav.

Actually, as far as husbands go, he wasn't that bad! He had a respectable amount of teeth, held my hair back when I puked on my Chucks, and he helped me steal a washcloth off of the housekeeper's cart to clean them off. Honestly, I would have been content to have stayed with him until at least the SXSW Festival but apparently when we both sobered up he remembered that he was already married and there was some sort of polygamy thing that is generally frowned upon by Jewish Santa or "the law" or some such shit, so we had to get a divorce. Ah well, I will always remember him as my favorite wasband of 2008... whatever his name was. Mazel Tov, dude. We'll always have Pai Gow.

Anyway, now that that's all taken care of (well, as much as I can legally admit to here, anyway) and I've sobered up from all of the Pre-Divorce Sob-Fest Parties, Post-Divorce Celebration Parties and New Years Parties, it's time to take stock of my life and figure out how to make Sea Hag better in 2009:

1. No more new piercings for a year.
I've got to coat myself in anti-bacterial soap like three times a day and it's getting expensive. I need to let my current holes heal before I get any new ones.

2. Take random pictures without looking in the viewfinder.
I'm going to put the 'point-and-click' back in point-and-click. I'm going to take my digital camera with me and just snap off some random shots and see what I get. I think it'll be a neat project. Here's some from my living room:

3. Listen to more Journey.
I am in desperate need of more Vitamin Steve Perry.

4. Go on a a 2-week Candy Detox.
In addition to making poor matrimonial choices in 2008, my ass size hit Threat Level Orange. I'm not like every other douchepacker out there blasting through Target on the way to the organic yoga pants section, but clearly I need to curb my candy-loric intake. So, starting tomorrow I am going on a 2-week Candy Detox! Only healthy candy for me, thank you very much! Say goodbye to high-fructose corn syrup and hello to my new friends hemp, carob and soy! Share in my joy as I blog daily about how much better I feel when I eat things that are good and good for me! OH BOY I CAN'T WAIT.

Oh, and that whole Crab Odyssey thing? Yeah. Turns out some of them are starting to molt. Basically they shed their little exoskeletons in one piece and they curl up tight in the backs of their shells while they wait for their new shells to harden up. Why does this make the crabs act like they ate the brown acid? Well, think of when you've gone to one of those all-you-can-cram buffets and they have the crab legs, and you have one that you crack open just right and you pull out that perfect slippery piece of crab meat. Yeah, that's what the crabs are like right after they've molted. One big piece of sweet, floppy crab meat... that the other crabs are dying to dunk in melted butter and devour. Seriously, they were all wearing little bibs with pictures of themselves on them. I had to make a little fence around the molting ones out of a plastic water bottle to protect them from the other ones, and those little bastards still tried to dig a hole underneath it! I think one was trying to bake a cake with a file in it too.

2008: A Crab Odyssey

2008-11-12T00:17:00.014-05:00

Mankind has long had a tradition of wandering alone into the wilderness tripping out on hunger, pain and/or fistfuls of various psychotropic substances seeking answers from the other side about the big questions in life: why are we here? Where did we come from? What is my purpose on earth? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Apparently, hermit crabs go on vision quests, too.

I have five hermit crabs: Atticus Pinch, Bret, Jemaine, Cookie Monster and Ivan. In spite of the fact that they are identified as the 'hermit' variety of crustacean, they are actually quite communal and love to sleep in a cuddle puddle in the back of their aquarium under the plant, which is where the heater is. Hermit crabs are also boring as hell, by the way. When I went to the pet store to buy them I purposely got the ones that were the biggest bastards because I wanted only apex predators. But since I got them home all they do is dig holes and sleep in them except for the five minutes a day when they wander over to the water dish and put their feelers on it, then they go to the food dish and get some Crab Chum with their little pinchy claw, then they go back to sleep. I've tried toys and baths and humidifiers and everything with these buttheads to make them more entertaining, but so far no luck.

I couldn't get them to keep still for this picture, as you can plainly see.

A few weeks ago I was cleaning their aquarium and giving them new, fresh sand and scrubbing the tiny crab turds off of the bottom of the tank (on a sidenote, where are crab's buttholes? I mean, I figure they must be inside their shells where the rest of their ass is, but if it is, how do the poops come out of there? Is there like, a shell sphincter that I don't know about?) and after everything was all nice and clean I put them all back and, like the farteaters they are, they crawled behind the plant and went to sleep.

But the next day I noticed that Jemaine was not in the pile with everyone else, but way off in the opposite corner under the little pile of driftwood. To get a better idea of the geography of the aquarium, I have included this diagram:

The crabs primarily reside in quadrant A, which is commonly referred to as 'Under The Tree'. Quadrant B is where the crabs spend the rest of their time at the water and food dishes, and it is called 'The Sponge'. Quadrant C has their salt water dish and most of their empty shells and is known as 'The Shell Graveyard' and D is 'The Sticks'. No crabs ever go there, man. I guess it's the crab-quivalent of going out my front door and deciding to walk to Mongolia. So when Jemaine was found in The Sticks, I wondered what was up.

Jemaine was at The Sticks for a week. Every so often another crab would go over and cuddle with him for a little bit, but for the most part they left him alone. I was concerned that he might be sick or maybe he had a fight with Ivan, but after a week he was back Under The Tree.

That was certainly odd, but what was even weirder was that the next day Cookie Monster was hiding over in the Shell Graveyard. Four days later he went back, and shortly thereafter Atticus Pinch managed to completely bury himself in the corner near the water dish. He's been there for three days.

Seriously, there's a crab in there somewhere.

I have documented this whole affair with my camera, and, after much whining and pouting on my part Bret finally told me that crabs must complete a ritual when they hit puberty where they smoke some crab peyote buttons and wander off by themselves to commune with the astral plane. I thought he was full of shit and threatened to use the flash on my camera some more, but he said he could prove it and gave me the diaries of Jemaine, Cookie Monster, Atticus Pinch, and Ivan while they were tripping balls. (Apparently Ivan was the lucky one and got to stay in the fourth corner Under The Tree.) Bret, being the youngest crab, isn't old enough to go on his vision quest yet.

So for the next few weeks I will be sharing with you my crabs' revelations about life, the universe and everything. It'll blow your mind, man.

EDIT: Thanks to all the readers who informed me that peyote is not smoked but is, in fact, ingested. Shine on, you crazy diamonds!

New President of Our Candy Nation!

2008-11-05T00:11:00.003-05:00

Dear Barack Obama,

Please don't fuck it up.

Love,
Sea Hag

Operation: Af-Candy-Stan = Mission accomplished!!

2008-10-29T18:33:00.009-04:00

Well, my plan to raise money for "Operation: Af-Candy-Stan" with my voodoo dolls went over about as well as an abstinence talk in the Palin household. Oooh, too soon? OK, how about it went over about as well as Sarah Palin at a Mensa meeting. But fuck it, I wasn't going to let the troops down! They needed my love in candy form! So I took all the change I'd been saving for the last few months:

Only silver coins, people. Fuck pennies. Fuck them right in the ear. Although my least favorite coin is the nickel. I don't know why.

I managed to save up a little over $53. Then my dad contributed like 5 pounds of Twizzlers and a giant-ass box of Cheez-Its in handy snack packs. I got the rest of the loot:

This is the treat motherload.

Then I had to stuff all of it in a box. Let me tell you, it took ALL of my mad Tetris skills to do this:

I also wrote a little letter to put in the box:

Oct. 28, 2008

Hello!

The story of how this box of treats came to you is a little weird: I am a huge candy freak, and a few months ago I did a project where I tried a different candy every day for thirty days. Most of the candies I tried were from other countries and many of them were absolutely awful. I had one candy that tasted like refried beans. It was totally foul. Anyway, I was telling my friends about how I felt sorry for the children in the countries where bean-flavored treats were considered tasty, and I jokingly said I was going to start the "Reese's Piece Corps" to send out delicious candy to the unfortunate. One friend asked if my imaginary non-profit would consider sending candy to troops as well, and, because it was such a good idea, "Operation: Af-Candy-stan" was born.

On behalf of all the people who supported "Operation: Af-Candy-stan" I'd like to tell you that we love you all, and that we are proud of you and appreciate everything you do. We hope you come home safe and that you come home soon.

Sincerely,

Sea Hag, 'President' of the Reese's Piece Corps

Reese's Piece Corps members:

Dad

John

Noochie

Michael

I took the box to the post office and it was totally heavy. I'd like to thank the rotten twat who watched me struggle to open the door without dropping the box and crushing my foot, by the way. Anyway, I do have pretty wimpy girl arms (however, my pimp hand is strong) so I figured it must be about ten pounds and I was pretty proud of that. But when they weighed it I about crapped a canary when I saw how heavy it actually was:

24 pounds of candy! How awesome is that?

So on behalf of the Reese's Peace Corps, I'd like to thank all the contributors and all the people who encouraged me to do this. I think we did a rad thing and I hope we can give these troops a little happiness.

Operation: Af-Candy-Stan is ON!

2008-10-01T23:10:00.012-04:00

I know it's been a while since I've mentioned it, but I have been collecting money for the Reese's Piece Corps' Operation: Af-Candy-Stan throughout the summer and I will be sending a big care package by mid-October! Here's what I've got so far:

I know it looks pitiful right now, but my Dad has also contributed like 3 pounds of Twizzlers and Cheez-Its. They're being stored at his house because I can't be trusted around unguarded Twizzlers.

So, how can you help? I'm glad you asked!

Do you despise Sarah Palin? Do you wish she'd take a long walk off a short Pier To Nowhere? Say "thanks, but no thanks" to the Republican vice presidential nominee with your very own Sarah Palin Voo-Doo Doll! Each of these is hand-made by your favorite Sea Hag and comes in three varieties:

The RNC look:

The red power-suit look:

And the armed-in-a-flag-bikini look:

Stick sharp, rusty objects in her eyes! Teach her about basic civics! Learn her hair styling secrets! Stand on your front porch and look at Alaska with her! Yes, the Sarah Palin Voo-Doo Doll has thousands of uses. (And if you like Sarah Palin then I can turn it into a fridge magnet and not mock you too much.)

I am asking for a minimum of $4 per doll, and 100% of the proceeds will go towards Operation: Af-Candy-Stan. With each doll I will include a small prize as well! Support the troops and join the Reese's Piece Corps!

I am hoping to collect money for some more candy, DVDs, books and shipping costs to go to the troop I adopted through AnySoldier.Com. If anyone has any ideas for other goodies to send (nothing hygiene-related or the chemicals will make the candy taste weird) please let me know. I can also make an Obama or McCain voo-doo doll for the aforementioned $4 (or more, if you're feeling generous). If you'd like to make a donation or if you'd like your very own voo-doo doll I'll send you my PayPal account stuff. I think that would be the easiest way to do it.

I will include updates and pictures so you can see exactly what your donation bought.

Cooking with candy!

2008-09-29T14:24:00.006-04:00

Remember when I ate those dark chocolate cacao nibs? Well, I still had a bunch of those things left so I decided to make oatmeal dark chocolate cacao cookies!

Funny thing about me is, although I have an insatiable sweet tooth I rarely bake because there's no way I can eat an entire cake or pie or batch of cookies. I get bored of them and then they go bad. But I hit upon a solution to my problem: I could bring them to work! Those people will eat anything; they'll be all over free food like a rat on a Cheeto.

These turned out very good, I like having oatmeal in cookies, it makes them filling and fools people into thinking they might be a little healthy. Here's the recipe I used:

1 cup butter, softened
1 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups quick-cooking oats
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips (I used the cacao nibs)

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture until just blended. Mix in the quick oats, walnuts, and chocolate chips. Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets.
Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Sea Hag gets all political (again)

2008-09-17T01:28:00.002-04:00

I made this on Saturday:

And Sarah Palin lost 10 'favorable' points (according to the Diageo Hotline poll) in 3 days.

Coincidence?

Candy-cation! Day 7

2008-09-09T01:13:00.003-04:00

In a roll of Fruit Mentos, the strawberry-flavored ones would be the Queen Mentos, and the rest would be the Worker Mentos. Seriously, the other flavors are there just to preserve your dignity so you don't shove the whole tube down your throat in like six seconds. Of course, I have seen that they make a strawberry-only roll now but I have (so far) successfully avoided them like a recovering pot addict will stay away from a Dave Matthews Band concert.

But oh! I gave up years of Strawberry Mento sobriety when I saw a roll of Strawberry Yoghurt Mentos. Strawberry! Yoghurt! Is that the metric spelling of 'yogurt' or something? Am I supposed to pronounce it yog-hurt? Anyway, I couldn't resist. I'm not made of stone, you know!

These were pretty good, I think think the ones I got were at the end of their fresh shelf-life but I still scarfed them down pretty quickly. They kind of tasted like a strawberry milkshake, like a sweeter, less-intense regular strawberry Mento. By the way, the UK version of the Mentos website has hot girls in bikinis all over it, and the US website is hella-lame. Maybe British bikini babes are attracted to that extraneous h.

On my last day in St. Maarten I saw this little German kid asleep at the beach and he was wearing awesome candy shorts:

It was a good way to end my Candy-cation.

And so ends my nearly two-month long boring-ass recap of Candy-cation. Huzzahs! Now we can move on to other things.

Candy-cation! Day 5 & 6

2008-09-05T22:01:00.000-04:00

I loves me some Kit Kat bars, so I was pretty stoked to see the alternate versions of Dark Chocolate and Chunky, which had peanut butter in it. I really wish they would get more creative with the Kit Kats in the U.S., I mean, all we get are the regular 'four-fingered' varieties and the giant 'one-fingered' ones. I love the Kit Kat terminology! You totally need to check out that shit on their web site. Did you know that Kit Kat bars are the number one selling candy in the U.K.? And that they have a ton of different-flavored varieties in Japan, including Iced Tea, Green Tea, Caramel and Salt, Cherry Blossom, Orange, Apple, Melon, Red Bean (ewwww), Cantaloupe and Gold? Oh, but we get our own special flavor in the U.S.: Kit Kat White Creme, which is made with vegetable oil based candy coating rather than pure white chocolate. Yum yum!

The Dark Chocolate Kit Kat was OK, you could taste the dark chocolate but it wasn't very good quality chocolate. It's probable the lowest concentration of cocoa allowable to be called 'dark' chocolate, really. But it wasn't bad. The Chunky Kit Kat was a 'one-finger' bar, and I love those. It reminds me of that scene in 'Honey I Shrunk The Kids' where the kids find the Oatmeal Cream Pie. That would be so cool. Anyway, the peanut butter flavor wasn't terribly pronounced, but I've never been a huge peanut butter fan anyway so that was just fine by me. Don't get me wrong, peanut butter is tasty and all, but it's like, me and peanut butter have tried to date before but we decided that we were better as friends. It wasn't him, it was me. I needed time to go find myself and it just wasn't fair to peanut butter. Plus I didn't want to be tied down to just one sandwich spread.

Sea Hag gets all political and stuff

2008-09-04T21:51:00.006-04:00

Separated at birth?

GOP Vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin:

And that woman who played the therapist from 'The Sopranos'?

Cindy McCain, wife of GOP presidential nominee John McCain:

And that woman I hate from Food Network, Sandra Lee?

Candy-cation! Day 4

2008-08-25T03:33:00.003-04:00

OK, seriously this is the best place in the whole world. This is a little chocolate shop in St. Maarten owned by a diminutive Belgian woman named Beatrix, which is an awesome name. She makes all the candy in-shop. I can't explain to you how unbelievable this place smells. She needs to charge admission just to get a whiff. But not only does she let you come in the store for free, she feeds you candy. Free candy. FREE AWESOME CANDY.

She let me have a piece of what she called 'her version of fudge'. In spite of the fact that I'm a raging sugar slut, fudge just doesn't really do it for me. It's gritty and it's so sweet that you can't even taste the chocolate. But not this fudge. It was so incredibly good and smooth and creamy. And free! I stood around for a long time, looking over all the chocolates in the store and chatting with Beatrix, secretly hoping that she would just adopt me so I could live in this Chocolate Nirvana forever. I would totally be her indentured servant. She probably thought I was a moron, but she gave me some more candy so I didn't care. I bought two huge boxes of chocolate to take back. There are all kinds of amazing fillings for these things, in milk, dark, and white chocolates. Also! She makes chocolate boobies and penises. Hee hee!

Where is Sea Hag?

2008-08-20T03:49:00.005-04:00

I know I've been slack about posting here lately, but I started partying for my 30th early and I've just sobered up enough to post this. After I finish cleaning up the barf and paying off the strippers I will tell you all about it. And I want to give everyone my unending love for all the happy birthday wishes. You guys rock!

What will this upcoming year of Sea Hag Eats It bring?

Finishing Candy-cation!
Reviewing new candy
Start a new section called Suck It, Candy!
Cook with candy
Do a Candy Detox
Continuing Operation: Af-Candy-Stan
And this:

Candy-cation! Day 3

2008-08-04T01:42:00.002-04:00

I saw this baby and, because of the dark packaging, assumed that it was a dark chocolate version of a Mars bar. Hooray! And when was the last time I had a Mars bar, anyway? I couldn't even remember. So I bought it and was happy as a biscuit at the prospect of yumming it down.

When I opened it I saw that it wasn't dark chocolate but regular old milk chocolate. That was OK though, because the bar was actually two smaller bars, but together they were bigger than a U.S. Mars bar. Bonus candy! Yet another example of the candy superiority of Europe! Then I took a bite... and it tasted like a Milky Way bar! Where the hell were the almonds? Was it possible that I got the Mars bar confused with another candy? If so, what candy bar was I think of? How could I have possibly gotten confused? Candy's like the only thing I know about! Was this the sign of The Apocalypse? Was the end nigh? Some people claimed that there was candy to blame... but I know it was, somehow, my own damn fault. I spent the rest of my day in a rum-soaked stupor, wondering what the name of that almond candy bar was called.

I saw my dad later that day and he was eating a Mars bar in it's deceptive, evil black packaging. "Hey Dad, what was the name of that candy bar that was like a Snickers but it had almonds instead?"

He frowned around his mouthful of nougat and chocolate. "You know, I could have sworn it was a Mars bar but this one doesn't have the almonds."

"So did I!"

"I've actually been wondering all day what this one tastes like."

"It tastes like a Milky Way."

"Yeah! So what was the one with the almonds?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not going crazy."

"Me, too."

Then we hugged and I figured that if I had just caused the end of the world I was glad to have had this bonding time with my dad. Later that day I got on the internet and did a little research. Know why I haven't had a Mars bar in a long time? They don't make them in the States anymore. It's called a Snickers with Almonds now. And you know what the call Milky Ways in Europe? Yeah. A Mars bar. Thanks a lot, you butt stains from Mars, Incorporated, you almost drove my family insane.

Candy-cation! Day 2

2008-08-01T01:16:00.000-04:00

What's so great about St. Maarten (besides the nude beaches and the fact that rum is literally cheaper than bottled water) is that they import all of the good candy from Europe. I know you can get things like Ritter Sport candy and Nestles products in the U.S., and I know I'm going to sound like a completely unoriginal candy snob, but it's all totally different than what's available in Europe. Take, for example, Cadbury candy. You might only be familiar with the Creme Eggs, but they actually make a buttload of other stuff that is much more delicious (Cadbury Bunny forgive me for saying so). The chocolate they use for the European stuff is richer, creamier and not as sweet as its American counterparts.

I love this guy.

I've already had most of the Cadbury offerings on previous trips so I decided to try the Cadbury Picnic Bar. There were actually two different Cadbury bars at the Shell station that I hadn't tried, so it was a toss-up between the Picnic Bar and the Crunchie Bar. I'm glad I went with the Picnic Bar because it turns out that the Crunchie Bar is the twin of the Violet Crumble. Ewww! I barely avoided catastrophe there. (Since I've finished the Candy Ramadan celebration I no longer have to seek out new candies to obtain nougat-like spiritual fulfillment, but after a month of doing so it's become a hard habit to break. I didn't even realize I was purposely avoiding candy I'd already tried until the end of my vacation. Oh well.)

Anyway, the Picnic Bar. It's a chocolate bar with peanuts and raisins and caramel and puffed rice. Totally delicious. It does look like a big turd, though, especially with all the peanuts in it, but I guess all chocolate bars kinda do (kinda doo?) Also I've been spelling 'Picnic' as 'Picinic' and was wondering why the spellcheck was freaking out. Apparently I was taught to spell by Yogi Bear.

Candy-cation! Day 1

2008-07-31T01:31:00.000-04:00

My Candy-cation started off awesome. When I was on the plane to St. Maarten I spotted a girl who had the best suitcase I'd ever seen:

I wanted to ask her where she got it and see if she was my spiritual candy sister, but she ran off before I could talk to her and possibly steal her luggage. After an exhaustive internet search for this bag I found out that it's made by Betsey Johnson and it's expensive as hell. But, my birthday is coming up so... *cough*present*cough*.

Anyway, after I got to my condo I went to a little deli to get some drinks and snacks, and I found these things:

Being that St. Maarten is half Dutch and half French, I'm guessing these are a Dutch candy. I don't know, maybe it's German. All I know is that these things are basically a lemon, orange, or strawberry Starburst smashed together with a black licorice candy. Apparently Europeans love black licorice. I found all kinds of black licorice-y candies all over the island, including Black Licorice Mentos and something called 'Licorice Allsorts' (pictured on the right). Don't get me wrong, I dig black licorice too, my toothpaste even has an anise flavor, but I sure as hell wouldn't go out of my way to purchase an entire bag of black jelly beans. That's pretty filthy.

These candies were strange. The fruit candy part was pretty good, and the licorice part was good too, but I just didn't think they went together very well and they turned my teeth black. Plus this was one of those weird bags of bottomless candy, like no matter how much I ate there was always more and more, so I threw it away finally because it was freaking me out. I mean, I didn't look inside the bag for fear that I might glimpse a parallel universe where Starbursts and black licorice were somehow wedded in confectionery bliss. Who knows what other kinds of wacky candy combinations could have come out of that bag had I kept it? That's heavy stuff, man.

Reading group! I sure hope that everyone read 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody. There's actually not too much in the way of candy action in this book, but it's a book about strippers so you know it's pretty much the best book ever. I totally have a girl crush on Diablo Cody. Oooh, wouldn't 'Candy Girl' make an awesome tattoo? I think so.

Next book: "Candy And Me: A Love Story" by Hilary Lifton

Sea Hag's triumphant return!

2008-07-30T00:21:00.004-04:00

Hello all you wonderful people! Your favorite Sea Hag is finally back, and when I'm done getting all the beach sand out of my crevices I will tell you how my Candy-cation went.

In the mean time, the very sexy people at candyaddict.com did an article about me! I am an internet celebrity, just like that that girl who farts on cakes and that cat who wants cheeseburgers! For anyone who has wandered over here from Candy Addict and left a nice comment, I really appreciate it! And for anyone who has been reading before I sold out, you get lots of Hipster-Cred Points.

Candy Ramadan: Day 30

2008-07-19T22:46:00.008-04:00

I had been saving this particular candy for this special day: the last day of Candy Ramadan. These are Pinor Noir Chocolate Covered Cherries that my dad bought for me in Sonoma, California when I was starting Candy Ramadan a month ago. He said he also had a bag of chocolate-covered blueberries and a box of Ghirardelli Chocolates but that they both melted when he left them in the car all day. I kind of have a feeling that melted in the car actually meant they're in my tummy but that's OK. Obviously the love of candy is hereditary.

It's also awesome that, when I told him about this he didn't think I was crazy or ask why I was even doing it, he just went out and got me some candy. So, no matter what these were thing were going to taste like, they were going to be my favorites because they were bought with love. Also, of course they tasted awesome, are you kidding me? Chocolate + wine + cherries = so good I almost ruptured my brain with constant 'yum yum yum' noises while I ate them.

I can't believe this is over! I am so bummed, I wish I had done Candy Lent instead so I could have had 40 days instead of 30. But it was a blast, anyone who loves candy should definitely try this out sometime. I want to thank everyone who stopped by to read my blog, too. You guys are great.

So what have we learned from Candy Ramadan?
1. I will never, ever get tired of candy.

2. Candy is mostly delicious but not always.

3. Some candy companies need to work on their customer service.

4. Candy is better when it is shared.

5. Asian candy is for the adventurous.

6. The best candy can be found in unexpected places.

7. 'Premium' candy doesn't necessarily mean it's good candy.

8. Check the expiration date.
9. Red bean candy is disgusting and edible rice paper is not to be trusted.

So, what's in store for the future? There are a lot of projects that are still going on even though Candy Ramadan is over. I'm still waiting for my candy tree to grow:

I'm collecting money to buy candy for the Reese's Piece Corps' Operation: Af-Candy-Stan that I'm planning on sending when the weather gets a little cooler, hopefully by the end of September:

Yes, I'm saving the Operation: Af-Candy-Stan money in Tootsie Roll Banks.

I still need to try candy from Africa and Antarctica:

And I have a few baking projects that I will attempt with my left-over candy.

What's next? Well, I'm about to go on vacation so what could be better than sitting on the beach, drinking rum and getting no tan lines? Sitting on the beach, drinking rum and getting no tan lines while eating candy! I'm going to come back in a week and blog all about what kinds of awesome candy I snorted down from the duty-free shop and all the excellent European treats they import in St. Maarten. I have a few ideas about future candy projects, but I'll let those be a secret until I get back.

Candy Ramadan: Day 29

2008-07-18T23:58:00.000-04:00

In my never-ending quest to glorify the word 'munch' I ate a Moose Munch Bar from Harry & David today. I got it on sale for 97-cents because they were going to discontinue some of the flavors, so that was pretty awesome. The flavor I got was S'mores. It was really good but having graham crackers and marshmallows on top of the chocolate-covered toffee popcorn and almonds seemed like overkill. The marshmallow bits were really hard, like the middle of a Violet Crumble. (Note to self: Make own candy car called Violent Pink Crumble). Now I know a lot of people adore Violet Crumbles but I think they're like taking a big old bite out of a stick of chalk. I'm getting skeeved out just thinking about the texture. Blaaaaugh!

The good thing about the Munch Bar (Note to self: Open awesome candy-and-beer place called The Munch Bar) is that the marshmallows are few and far between. I must say that there was a surprising amount of chocolate in this candy, and it was all quality stuff. If I see these next time I might just go for the regular version because I wished there was more popcorn bits in mine.

Update! Operation: Movie Theater Candy Caper went off without a hitch last night, probably because there was a metric buttload of nerds out to watch 'The Dark Knight' (which was rad, of course). I took with me a treat from Yoda's home planet: a Dagoba a organic chocolate bar that was flavored with coconut and brazil nuts. (Now I have North and South America, Asia, Australia and Europe covered for Candy Ramadan. Time to step up, Africa and Antarctica! You've only got until tomorrow!) This candy was OK, the chocolate was so creamy that is almost had a mouth-feel like butter. The word that came to mind was unctuous. Now, that might sound like a good thing but it didn't have that nice snap that chocolate should have. It was kind of weird. Plus they ground up the nuts and coconut really tiny so there wasn't a good texture contrast.

Tomorrow! We wind down Candy Ramadan!

Candy Ramadan: Day 28

2008-07-17T23:03:00.001-04:00

What has cocoa mass, wheat syrup and 22 mg of caffeine per serving? Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolates! These little bad asses are a dark chocolate shell filled with espresso. The shell actually looks a lot like the Nestle Treasures do, like they're both little candy logs filled with gooey goodness. The box points out that "other coffee candies have a cream center or bits of coffee beans. Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolates have a real liquid espresso center." Because that's just how they roll, people. Recognize!

I liked these a lot, because if there's one thing I like as much as candy it's coffee. And coffee and chocolate are a killer combination. Also they're individually wrapped so they're tres classy even though they do squirt in your mouth when you bite on them.

I'm cutting this one a little short today because I'm about to see 'The Dark Knight'. HELLS YEAH! However, I am embarking on an illicit candy-smuggling operation at the theater, so I'll post later on how that goes. If I don't return, eat a Cow Tale in remembrance of me.

Candy Ramadan: Day 27

2008-07-16T01:06:00.002-04:00

Because of my tardiness yesterday I will give you all a sweet two-for-one candy review today! First up we've got the Twizzlers Twerpz, which I found at Six Flags today. My search for Candy Ramadan offerings does not rest, not even in the middle of an amusement park where they charge $4 for a bottle of water! Anyway, these are described as Twizzlers with a 'tangy' filling. When I hear the word tangy I think of barbecue sauce, but I'm such a total freak for all things Twizzler that I just had to have these, possible barbecue-filled emotional scarring be damned.

The Bites come in two flavors, strawberry and orange, with corresponding fillings. Basically all these were was a Twizzler Bite stuffed with a soft Starburst. Sort of like the candy equivalent of Combos Snacks. They were really excellent, though I think the strawberry ones were a little better. The Twizzler bit didn't really offer too much by the way of taste, but it was awesomely chewy.

The second candy I had today was Caramels With Butter From Charentes-Poitou. That is their official name, I guess. Charentes-Poitou is a region in France known for butter, so I don't know if the candy is made in Charentes-Poitou or just the butter they use in the candy. I bought these at Star Provisions. If Trader Joe's is the poor man's Whole Foods, then Whole Foods is the poor man's Star Provisions. It is an uber-gourmet store. This is where you can buy French grey sea salt or foie gras or Kobe steak (on sale for $128 per pound!). They claim that the four flavors are supposed to be vanilla, almond, coffee and chocolate, but the ingredients list hazelnut instead of almond. Ooh, maybe 'hazelnut' is French for 'almond'... nope, not according to Babelfish. Anyway, I had been wary of going to Star Provisions for a candy run because I knew that they had loads of gourmet stuff there and I might sell a kidney to get my hands on some. I found these caramels and the price wasn't too bad (well, by Star Provisions standards, anyway) so I snatched them up. You know, they have a cheesemonger there and a fishmonger and a butcher and a bunch of bakers, maybe they would need a candymonger too! "Yes ma'am, we just received in a fresh batch of Nibby Bars today. We also have an excellent 2007 Wooloomooloo Bar, would you care for a sample?" HOLY CRAP THAT WOULD BE SO SO SO RAD.

...What was I talking about before I had a candy-gasm? Oh, right, the caramels. They were good, of course. Rich and creamy but not too sweet or sticky. Delicious.

Candy Ramadan: Day 26

2008-07-15T00:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry this one is late folks, but I had limited access to teh Internetz yesterday and I didn't get around to it. Plus the candy I had for Day 26 was pretty boring: the 3 Musketeers Mint. Now, mint/chocolate are a classic combination, just like peanut butter/jelly or orange/vanilla, but like the crispy mint M&Ms I had a few days ago, the mint vastly overpowers any chocolate taste. I know from personal experience that mint is a really strong flavor, so you have to be careful when you put it in any food that you only use a teeny bit or the whole damn thing is going to taste like toothpaste. And really, the 3 Musketeers Mint bar was so minty I could feel it in my ears.

I must also confess that I've never been a real fan of 3 Musketeers. If candy bars were lingerie, a 3 Musketeers would be a training bra. I mean, it's a candy bar in the sense that it's candy and it's in bar form, but if all you're bringing to the table is a whipped nougat center, why even bother?

Candy Ramadan: Day 25

2008-07-14T00:13:00.000-04:00

When I bought the sack of dark chocolate cacao nibs from the DeKalb Farmer's Market I was pretty stoked because I'd always wanted to try them, but then I made the mistake of going to World Market afterwards and saw something called a Chocolate Nibby Bar, which had cacao nibs in it too. Why oh why didn't I go to World Market first? I could've had a Nibby Bar! Nibby Nibby Nibbynibbynibby! That is a great name for a cat. Come here, little Nibby! Come get some Meow Mix!

In spite of the fact that these things look a little like rabbit poops, they're pretty good. Sort of like tiny chocolate-covered espresso beans. If you're into dark chocolate this would definitely be your thing. But, just like the candy sunflower seeds, I think they'd be better as an ingredient in something, like cookies. I might try to come up with a good cookie recipe for these some time.

Candy Ramadan: Day 24

2008-07-13T00:56:00.003-04:00

Today started off totally shitty because for the first time in 24 days I FORGOT TO BRING CANDY WITH ME TO EAT. Don't worry though, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my dosage increased. It did make me kinda sad though because a lot of people know that I'm doing Candy Ramadan and now every day someone asks me what's my daily candy, and I always try to share some. (Unless it was the red bean candy. I wouldn't wish that foul stuff on anyone.) I have discovered that sharing candy and getting other reactions has been a lot of fun.

Not all was lost though, when I got home I sat my ass right down and snarfed a Christopher's Big Cherry which I got at Fry's Electronics. These things are great! Nothing but an unpretentious sugar bomb with invertase benzoate of soda, possible cherry pits, and Red Dyes #3 and #40. It's like a huge chocolate-covered cherry cordial but instead of the white goo filling there is a fluffy sugar pillow that is my new favorite color, violent pink. Seriously, the inside is the same exact color of the package. Science is awesome! The whole thing is covered in peanuts which gives it a good texture. It's a real antidote to the snobby stuff I had yesterday, though if I'd had these things growing up I'd had given myself diabetes by the age of six.

Candy Ramadan: Day 23

2008-07-12T00:50:00.002-04:00

What is up with companies coming out with mega-premium super-select ultra-fabulous versions of candy? I mean, I love the idea that candy, like language and art, is an ever-changing medium that humans strive to perfect; it is a rich canvas by which we provide future generations a glimpse at our culture. So what will it say when my grandchildren learn that, during my lifetime, companies like M&Ms and Russell Stover, solid blue-collar candy-makers, produced top-of-the-grocery-store-shelf treats full of organic, Ecuadorian cacao?

Oh, none of them are bad, this Russell Stover American Classic Southern Pecan Chocolate Torte included. But it seems like there's always something... off about any of these premium candies. For instance, this candy was a base of white chocolate with dark chocolate truffle blobs and a milk chocolate top and pecan flavor. The chocolate was nice and smooth and rich, and the pecan taste was nutty and bitter enough to accent the chocolates and give it several layers of flavor. However, where Russell Stover gets it wrong is with the pecan flavoring. Why the hell didn't they put actual nuts in this? If I pay a premium price I want premium, three-dimensional pecans! The crunchy pecan bits would have been scrumptious with the creamy chocolate. Just like with the candy shell-less premium M&Ms, these are very close to being awesome but the price they're charging just isn't worth it. Russell Stover just needs to stick to the white boxes with the ribbon painted on them that my dad brings back from the outlet on his way home from Florida. My dad is the best.

Candy Ramadan: Day 22

2008-07-11T03:03:00.007-04:00

Once again I throw myself on the potential hand grenade of Asian treats with Botan Rice Candy that I got at World Market. These were only like a dollar and I dug the outer box with a kitty jug and a flower that looks like it's made of slices of ham, then the other side had some sort of pants-less baby with a microphone. Wacky! Plus it promised that there was a FREE CHILDREN'S STICKER inside. Hooray, a candy with two-in-one choking action!

As I opened the box I saw that the flap said that each candy had an edible wrapper. Ah, we meet again, my Rice Paper Nemesis! Only this time I am on to your evil ways. So I took out a candy and stuck the whole thing in my mouth without taking off the wrapper.

I had the candy in my mouth for about 30 seconds and the wrapper had yet to dissolve. What the hell? The I noticed that the flap said that each candy had an edible inner wrapper that melted in your mouth. So basically I just tried to suck the plastic wrapper off. Rice paper 2, Sea Hag 0.

After being outsmarted once again by rice paper, I popped the plastic-free candy in my mouth. It was very good! It has a good orange flavor, actually it tasted like Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. And the texture was really good, very chewy but not sticky.

As I went around and told everyone about this candy, I was irritated to find that this is practically the only Asian candy that everyone has already tried but me. Sigh. How could I have missed the Botan Candy boat? It must be that rice paper. It hates me.

The sticker I got was a picture of a girl kneeling in front of a window. She was looking very calm and serene. I made it into a magnet. I like to think she's meditating on ways to help me get revenge on the makers of rice paper and imprisoned her in her candy box jail for so long.

Candy news! Some guy in New Zealand found a treasure chest washed up on the beach... full of candy bars! I must move to New Zealand.

Candy Ramadan: Day 21

2008-07-10T00:01:00.006-04:00

I was fooled today by Trader Joe's Chocolate Sunflower Seed Drops today... fooled into consuming health food! I mean, the first ingredient listed was chocolate, so I figured they were OK in spite of their sunflower guts. But as I started eating them I felt... odd. Like I was being suspiciously nourished. So I checked the rest of the ingredients list and I saw that there were natural food colorings used! AAAAAAH! I just consumed something with beet powder and spinach juice!

Still, they were OK, though my stomach hurt for a bit due to the vitamins and whatnot. But the thing I liked the best was their texture was so slippery. It felt neat to stick your fingers in the carton. Also I felt like you were probably supposed to put these in something like cookies and not really to eat them straight, like chocolate chips.

Anyway, with a whole tub of these things left, I figured I could put their natural-ness to good use and try to grow a candy tree. So I planted one of each color in some potting soil I had and I put it on my porch. I will keep you updated to the progress of my candy trees.

Update! I finally got a reply from the asshats at Flyer Chocolates:


Dear Sea Hag,

We are sorry that you had a problem, as all of our
bars are shipped to our distributors in good
condition. We will contact our distributor and Alon's,
as there could have been a problem in transit during
the summer heat.

Did you return the product to Alon's for a refund? If
not, please send the empty wrapper and your receipt to
Paris Chocolates, Inc., P. O. Box 1281, Washington, CT
06793, and we will refund your money plus $2.00 for
postage and handling.

If you no longer have the wrapper and receipt, please
provide us with the amount you paid for the bar and
your mailing address and we will send you a refund
check.

If you would like to talk to one of our owners, please
provide your daytime phone number or call us at
800-226-3922 during business hours and leave your
number.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

The Chocolatiers at Paris Chocolates, Inc.


OK, I paid like $1.99 for this damn thing, so it's probably not even worth the waste of paper. Should I do it?

Candy Ramadan: Day 20

2008-07-09T01:41:00.005-04:00

I finally broke down and went to the Harry & David store 44 miles away and bought me some more of those delicious soft licorice things today. And! They were having a sale so I got some other candy goodies, one of which was a bag of Red Apple Caramel Balls since I made the mistake weeks ago with the blood orange cordials. What was I thinking? Where was my head?

Anyway, I left these in the car all day in 90-degree heat so they got a little melty. Whoops. So they are now kind of amoeba-shaped instead of spherical. They taste really good though, but holy testicle Tuesday they are sweet. My molars are aching terribly and I've only had four of them. This might be because the ladies working at Harry & David were handing out a million free samples today, and I got overloaded with a bunch of chocolate truffles. Normally, of course, this would be totally fucking rad but the truffles were huge and they were really rich, so one was plenty. But they kept giving them to me and since the store was small and they were following me around I couldn't set them down behind some jars of lemon curd, and since they were chocolate I couldn't really stick them in my pocket for later, so I was forced to eat them all and ever since my mouth has been painfully a-tingle with sugar.

Reading group! So how did you like 'Candy Everybody Wants'? Were you as disappointed as I was that there wasn't any damn candy mentioned except for diabetic candy from the 80s? Were you irritated that every time you saw the cover that that 10,000 Maniacs song got stuck in your head? This week the book is 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody.

Blog change! Let me know how you like the new look.

Candy Ramadan: Day 19

2008-07-08T00:58:00.005-04:00

You know what's the shit? A Toffee Crisp bar! This little nugget of joy comes from the UK and I got it at World Market. And! And! It wasn't stale! Bonus! Ding ding ding ding!

I got the Toffee Crisp because I'll support any company that dares to use the phrase 'Chewy Munch' on a wrapper. It's basically like the British 100 Grand Bar, but there's more Rice Krispies in the Toffee Crisp bar and less caramel, which, surprisingly makes it better because the two textures are perfectly balanced.

The only problem I had with this candy is my weird tendency to type 'Toffee Crips' instead of 'Toffee Crisp'. I don't think I'd want to try a Toffee Crips bar. Blood 4 Life!!!!*

Update! Thanks to the sexy advice from reader bonnjill, I sent the following e-mail to the fart-eaters at Flyer Chocolates:

Dear Flyer Chocolates:

I purchased a Flyer Gold Plane No. 1 bar for the first time at the Alon's Bakery in Atlanta, Georgia last week. I have been doing a project where I try a new candy every day until I turn 30 and the combination of pecans, caramel and dark chocolate in your candy bar sounded really good.

I was really disappointed when I opened the package yesterday and I saw that the chocolate had 'bloomed': there was a film of white stuff all over the bar, and the texture was crumbly and tasted pretty awful. The caramel was grainy and, in all, this candy was amongst one of the worst I'd had this past month... and I've tried a candy that tasted like refried beans, so that's saying a lot.

Obviously, there was a problem storing these candy bars where the temperatures they were exposed to caused your product to become inedible. I hope that, in the future, you will be able to figure out how to correct this because it seems like such a waste of good candy.

Thanks,
Sea Hag

We'll just see what, or if, they bother to respond.

*No, not really.

Candy Ramadan: Day 18

2008-07-07T01:44:00.005-04:00

Dear Flyer Chocolate Company,

Today I sampled your oddly-named Flyer Gold Plane No. 1 that I bought from the Alon's gourmet store in the Virginia Highlands. To buy this candy bar I was assaulted by a diminutive Vietnamese man with a grocery basket full of bran muffins and a tub of hummus. I bruise very easily so I hope you appreciate what I went through to purchase your product.

I was intrigued by your claim on the back of the wrapper that this candy would take me on a "Chocolate Odyssey"TM to "The Best Candy Bar In The World" TM. Plus, you know, how can you screw up something as awesome as the combination of dark Swiss chocolate, American caramel and pecans?

So imagine my great disappointment when I unwrapped my candy and found that the chocolate was covered in a white film! Being the Food Network slut I am, I knew that my candy had suffered from 'blooming'. Here's what Wikipedia says about that:

Various types of "blooming" effects can occur if chocolate is stored or served improperly. If refrigerated or frozen without containment, chocolate can absorb enough moisture to cause a whitish discoloration, the result of fat or sugar crystals rising to the surface.

Even though it's safe to eat, it tastes weird. Kinda like when you mix peanut butter and jelly together before you slap it on some bread. It's just not the same although it technically is. The first bite was pretty crumbly, which is amazing because on your web site you talk about how wonderfully creamy and gooey the caramel is. The pecans were pretty bitter, too.

Look, if you're going to have the stones to not only claim to be the best candy in the world but to actually trademark that phrase, you have to learn how to temper and store chocolate and not use shitty-ass pecans and caramel. I had a Twix bar today that had better quality ingredients than your product, and I didn't get abused by some Asian dude with overpriced dip and a raging need for more fiber in his diet to get it, either.

So, in short, please cram your candy up your ass.

Love,
Sea Hag

Candy Ramadan: Day 17

2008-07-06T00:54:00.009-04:00

Sky Bar:
A Study in Haiku

Fry's Electronics

An unbeknownst purveyor

of candy goodness

In the check-out line

Sky Bars wait on bottom shelf

I love impulse buys

Retro candy treat

Four flavors wrapped in chocolate

Those seem like good odds

First bite of caramel

(Pronounced with two syllables

to fit the haiku)

Too sweet and gritty

Covered in crap chocolate

I wish for Rolos

Fudge for second piece

Takes alarming amount of

Time to masticate

Peanut butter third-

Oh God! The peanut butter!

That horrid filling

Words fail to describe

Such a vile, rancid treatment

of that beloved food

Oily and bitter

I would much rather snack on

a used toilet seat

Last is vanilla

May be the best by far but

that's not saying much

Oh my dear Sky Bar

Waste of a good idea

My hopes have faded

Necco Company
Please stick to those wafer things
Leave chocolate alone

Candy Ramadan: Day 16

2008-07-05T00:50:00.000-04:00

I have no idea what the official name of today's candy is. I tried to Google it but nothing came up when I typed in "Seven, Machete Thing, Upside-Down Seven, Dash, Two Raindrops, Bigger Machete" for the name. It's from Japan and I got it at Super H Mart, which is my very favorite Mart. I just bought it because it promises to be full of 'season flavor' and it had a picture of a banana split on it. Ice cream + candy? YES PLEASE.

Basically this is the same thing as the milk candy I had a few days ago, only it has the added benefit of having a slight banana flavor and some little red things which I really hope are just strawberry seeds and not some kind of crunchy larvae. It also has a weird aftertaste, like the same kind of chemical taste that happens when you eat sugar-free candy. I checked the ingredients label, which was printed in English (thank you, FDA!) and there is no sucralose or aspartame in it. Just lots of corn syrup, sweet nectar of the gods.

I just noticed that the bag has a big picture of an unwrapped piece of candy with a lot of Japanese writing and arrows pointing at it, and the candy has a cool silver outline around it, like it's glowing. Does this mean the candy will give me super powers? Will I finally get laser eyes? I just ate the whole bag, and nothing yet. Maybe it takes a while to kick in.

Candy bonus! I got two more baby Toblerones from a co-worker and someone else gave me a tiny bag of gummy bears from Germany. I didn't eat the gummy bears because that guy was a total stranger... but does this mean I have a face that makes people want to give me free candy? Wait... could that be my super power?!?!?!

Candy Ramadan: Day 15

2008-07-04T02:55:00.010-04:00

I was hoping to have something really good for Candy Ramadan Hump Day, but my prime hours of eating and thinking about candy were consumed* instead by my job. To think they actually wanted me to work at work! Why can't I have a sugar daddy?**

So today's candy will be hastily scarfed down as I'm writing this, which is not how I like to enjoy my daily candy offering. I like to savor the flavor. But the Mint Crisp M&Ms I am eating aren't exactly a delicacy. They're supposed to be a limited edition thing to go along with the recent Indiana Jones movie, but I'm sure they'll be available in some form until the end of the year. Hopefully they will be better than the movie, which was kind of a suck fest.

Nom nom nom... these are good, sort of like a Andes Chocolate Mint with a crunchy bit on the inside. Some of the Ms printed on the candies have a little Indiana Jones hat on them. That's pretty cute. They sure are minty, though. The chocolate is not terribly prominent.

OK, now that I've eaten half the bag the minty-ness is getting to me. I can't imagine eating a whole bag of these in one sitting. These things are so minty my head feels like it's been dipped in Vick's Vaporub. Even my ears feel minty. I feel like I just ate an assload of breath mints for lunch because I forgot my sandwich and my wallet on the kitchen counter and I was so hungry I had to raid the secretary's candy dish while she was at Panera Bread Company with the accounting department, only some shit heap ate all her good candy so all that's left is a handful of peppermints from the Sonic drive-thru that she found in the bottom of her purse while she was looking for her tube of Chap-Stik and she just tossed them in the candy dish because she didn't know what else to do with them and they were taking up valuable real estate in her new knock-off Coach handbag she bought for ten bucks on e-Bay.***

In all, they're not bad but I think I will be using the rest of this bag as an after-dinner palate cleanser instead of candy.

* I'm so punny.
** See what I mean?
*** I think we've all been there.

Candy Ramadan: Day 14

2008-07-03T02:19:00.002-04:00

It's day 14 here in the candy trenches, and I have yet another retro candy I never ate as a kid: Strawberry Charleston Chew. Don't get me wrong, I've had many a Charleston Chew in my day, but I've only ever had the regular vanilla one. So I was eager to try the strawberry one I found at Fry's this past weekend.

The inside of every Charleston Chew is some sort of excellent marshmallow-taffy hybrid, and the outside is waxy, crumbly chocolate coating. The strawberry one has a violent pink center and a tastes as much like a real strawberry as Strawberry Yoo-Hoo. I'm a big fan of fake fruit flavor though. Grape, blue raspberry, strawberry and banana are the best ones. I mean, real grapes don't taste like purple sugar, right? But it's still delicious.

Iy says on the label to try the strawberry Charleston Chew frozen, but I figured after the horrors inflicted on my teeth from the red bean candy and the Abba-Zaba I'd pass this time.

Candy Ramadan: Day 13

2008-07-02T02:45:00.003-04:00

I spotted today's candy at the check-out line at Publix a few days ago, and I was totally psyched because I'd read about the Premium M&Ms on the Candy Addict site last month and I'd been dying to try them. They had a bunch of flavors to choose from: Mocha, Triple Chocolate, Mint Chocolate, and the one I picked, Raspberry Almond. These were so new that they didn't even have the SKU information in the registers. They're so new that I couldn't find an image of them online so I had to take a picture myself. They're so new that the M&Ms web site doesn't even mention them. That's how awesome I am, people. I'm on the candy cutting edge.

The Raspberry Almond M&Ms are an almond covered in white chocolate then covered in dark chocolate, which is covered by a funky metallic outside. The chocolates were very creamy. The raspberry flavoring lives in one of the chocolate coatings, I'm not sure which one. At first I thought these were very tasty. I shared with several people and they all agreed that my initial tastiness appraisal was accurate. However! I spent the rest of the afternoon snarfing these down (there are a lot more in a package that it seems) and I thought that what it was lacking was the trademark crunchy candy shell. These had a weird outside layer that looked and felt like dried nail polish. After consuming these all day long I think the texture of it started to be a little off-putting, especially when I tried to suck it all off. Eww. But in small doses, these were very good.

Candy Ramadan: Day 12

2008-07-01T00:55:00.005-04:00

Today we visit the fourth continent on my religious candy pilgrimage with Australia's Darrell Lea Mango Soft Licorice. I discovered the world of soft licorice on the way back home from a rafting trip with Noochie. I made him stop at an outlet mall and I went in the Harry & David, thinking that I'd find me some discount Moose Munch. Unfortunately it wasn't an outlet store, just a regular store in an outlet mall. I think that's bullshit, but whatever.

I saw some raspberry soft licorice there and I bought it, being a licorice fan and a candy freak on top of that. It was soooooo good, it's got the greatest texture, chewy but not sticky. Since then I've sampled a few different soft licorices, still in search of that initial chewy high. I'm chasing the Soft Licorice Dragon, man.

I spotted these at World Market and I had to try them. I love mango and I was curious how they'd taste, because there are very few mango candies and of those I don't think I've had some that tastes anywhere how an actual mango tastes. This stuff was AWESOME. Michael and I (who also shares my soft licorice Jones) demolished the bag in about ten minutes in between songs on Guitar Hero on Tour. The wonderful mango flavor combined with the awesome texture made me forget how much my wrist hurt and how much I hate that one Maroon 5 song that's on the game.

Now I just need to try some candy from Africa, South America and Antarctica and I'll be all set.

Operation Af-Candy-Stan: Many people have asked me if I'm actually going to do this, and I really am. So if anyone has any good suggestions for troops to send candy to or an organization The Reece's Piece Corps can make a donation to, please let me know!

Candy Ramadan: Day 11

2008-06-30T00:06:00.002-04:00

I found another great, unexpected place to get candy today- Fry's Electronics. They had all kinds of good treats in there! I would totally go live in Fry's and eat candy and play Guitar Hero on my Nintendo DS to my heart's content.

Today I had an Abba-Zaba. There are a lot of retro candies I am going to eat for Candy Ramadan not for the nostalgic value but because I've really never had them before. Most of them are pretty much before my time or were only available on the West Coast or New England or wherever until now. I've heard of Abba-Zabas before but I hadn't seen one until today.

Maybe it's because I don't have some wonderful childhood memories associated with this candy, but I thought it pretty much sucked ass. The first bite hurt two of my bottom teeth, and not in a cute this stuff is so chewy it almost pulled my fillings out! way, but in an Oh my Flying Spaghetti Monster, I might have to find a dentist who is open on Sunday because I think I just messed up my damn jaw.

After several minutes the pain subsided and I sucked on the candy until it was soft enough to actually chew, because I'll be damned if I let a piece of candy tell me what to do. It was pretty bland. The wrapper claims that it is peanut-butter filled taffy, but all the (very greasy) peanut butter was at the very ends of the bar, so the middle was a wasteland of tasteless white orthodontic nightmare. Abba-Zaba is not my only friend.

Candy Ramadan: Day 10

2008-06-29T00:53:00.003-04:00

Today's candy was the Cadbury Curly Wurly. It's from the U.K. and I got it at World Market. It's pretty much just a curly caramel ribbon covered in chocolate. Delicious? Yes. But what bothered me was the fact that so much space was wasted inside the wrapper. I mean, half the damn thing was air! Why not make it a solid caramel ribbon? And it was really, really flat too, like Air Head candy. It barely weighed anything at all and if you breathed too hard around this candy bar you might have accidentally inhaled it up your nose. I ate this thing in about three seconds flat. What the hell kind kind of candy gets eaten that quickly? WHY MUST YOU MOCK MY NEED FOR CANDY, CADBURY?!?!?!

I had to buy some cupcakes to appease the Sugar Monster today. Sigh.

Candy Ramadan: Day 9

2008-06-28T02:09:00.002-04:00

I tried some Chimes Ginger Chews today and they were off the damn chain. They were sweet at first (and very, very chewy) and then they got good and spicy. I'm not a big fan of spiciness, but these were awesome. I got these at World Market mainly because I thought the tin they came in was hella cool. I also dig the fact that they were all individually wrapped so it was easier to share them.

I was worried that these were going to be gum, because the 'chew' part was kinda vague. I'm not a big fan of gum. I used to chew it in middle school mainly because it pissed off teachers, then I got braces and wasn't allowed to chew it. By the time I got my braces off I had found other ways to piss off teachers, and gum is just... it's such a tease, you know? It's sugary and delicious at first, but then it gets all gross and hard and hurts your jaw and then you spit it out. It's like having candy blue balls. Plus chewing gum brings out a number of disgusting behaviors in people, like smacking on it with their mouths open or doing that crackly noise, and there is nothing more friggin' nasty than stepping in gum... unless it's putting your fingers in gum that's stuck underneath a table. Just thinking about that makes me want to barf. Next time you're out walking in a major city, check out the sidewalk and see how many dirty gum blobs there are. Is it really too much to ask for people to spit gum in a trash can? I think I might go move to that country where they cane people for chewing gum. They've got the right idea.

Reading group! This week's book is "Candy Everybody Wants" by Josh Kilmer-Purcell.

Candy Ramadan: Day 8

2008-06-27T00:00:00.003-04:00

For today's treat we will go to Germany for the Niederegger Lubeck Marzipan Classic bar. This is marzipan covered in bittersweet chocolate., and let me tell you, it's pretty damn good. I've had marzipan before but I've never had it paired with bittersweet chocolate. The result is a bar that is full of subtle almond and chocolate flavors and isn't super-sweet. They have other flavors that I'm totally going to get next time I'm at World Market. Well, maybe I should find another place to get them, because I noticed after I started eating it that the bar's expiration bate was June 18, 2008. Is it possible that the red bean candy I ate was expired, too? Is it possible that red bean candy would be good if it was fresh? That can't be true...that's - that's impossible. Thinking along those lines can only lead to madness. Madness, I tell you!

For those of you who haven't had marzipan, it's basically a paste made from ground-up almonds and sugar. They love that shit over in Europe, they make sculptures that look like fruit and animals out of it and eat it for Christmas. When I was in Germany years ago they had marzipan candy all over the place but I didn't try any. I was too busy stuffing my face with sausages. That... sounded vaguely dirty. Anyway, marzipan isn't well-known here in the States, unless it's the Homestar Runner character. I'm not sure why, maybe because it isn't as tooth-meltingly sweet as other candies. Plus it has kind of an odd texture, a little gritty and oily at the same time. But paired with chocolate it's really, really good.

By the way, I am really and honestly doing Operation: Af-Candy-Stan so if you have any suggestions on where I can send a candy donation PLEASE tell me!! The Reese's Piece Corps needs your help!

Candy Ramadan: Day 7

2008-06-26T01:07:00.003-04:00

I was really dreading today's candy, which has a bunch of Japanese characters on the front of the bag and a tiny sticker on the back that identifies the contents as "Ribon Soft Hokkaido" (the quotation marks are theirs, not mine). Well, really dreading is the nice way of saying that, after the horror of red bean candy from Monday, I'd rather be punched in the pussy than try more World Market candy from Asia. And no, I'm not going to stop bitching about the red bean candy. You weren't there, man. You'll never know the suffering I endured at the hands of the White Rabbit Candy Company.

However, the candy bag also makes this hilarious claim: At last! A not too sticky calcium enriched soft-candy that's both healthy and tasty! and there is a drawing of a moo cow that looks so gentle and beseeching, imploring me to change my mind and partake in the bounty of this calcium-enriched earthly delight. I think it must be one of those Kobe cows that gets to drink beer. Would a Beer Cow lie to me? I think not. Plus, you know, I have been having issues finding texturally pleasant soft candy that's both delicious and nutritious. At last! I feel as though a great weight has been lifted from my calcium-starved mind.

These things are actually pretty tasty. They're kind of like a really soft vanilla-flavored Tootsie Roll. Or like a candy version of the milk left in the cereal bowl after you eat Frosted Flakes. The nutritional information has a serving of these things (which is about 2 candies) as having a whopping 2% of your daily amount of calcium. I can feel my bones getting stronger as I type. The main ingredient in this is millet jelly, and I thought about Googling that to see what the hell that was, but then I decided that I'm probably better off not knowing.

Candy Ramadan: Day 6

2008-06-25T00:40:00.002-04:00

Today's candy is Mamba Fruit Chews, which I haven't had (or seen) since I was about nine years old. They're basically the rectangular version of Starbursts, with four flavors: lemon, orange, strawberry and raspberry. Back in the day a package of Mambas came with five pieces of each flavor, but to my disappointment they now come with six pieces of three random flavors. I got orange, lemon and strawberry with the package I bought at Jo-Ann Fabrics (again with the Jo-Ann Fabrics!). And of course I wound up with orange, lemon and strawberry because my favorite flavor is... raspberry. Oh well. Apparently the raspberry Mambas are another Candy Sasquatch.

I read a review where someone called Mambas the least user-friendly candy ever because of the excessive packaging (each individual candy is wrapped, then each flavor is wrapped together in a little six-piece brick, then the bricks are wrapped together) but I like having the candy arranged fruit-abetically. Plus it makes it seem like you're getting three candies for the price of one.

What's great about candy (besides the sweet, sweet sugar) is that everyone has a great childhood memory linked to candy. Whenever I see a butterscotch hard candy I think of my best friend Laura's grandmother who kept them in a Folger's coffee jar in her bedroom. I think of Halloween when my brother and I would dump our sugar bounty on the floor and painstakingly arrange everything into categories: chocolate bars, miscellaneous chocolate, chewy fruity things, the Spree/Sweet Tarts/Smarties pile, gum, hard candy, the lame pile with the pennies and raisins, and the shitty candy pile. We'd then spend hours negotiating trades while our parents would help themselves to the candy we didn't want. Mambas make me think of the fourth grade when my teacher, Mr. Schuldiner, would throw us Mambas for correct answers. Nothing made my day like seeing a raspberry Mamba brick sailing towards my head. I bet they can't even give out candy in school anymore.

Feel free to share your candy memories and don't forget about the Reese's Piece Corps' Operation: Af-Candy-Stan and send me any ideas for troops or organizations who need candy donations.

Candy Ramadan: Day 5

2008-06-24T01:21:00.003-04:00

With the horror of yesterday's candy selection still festering in my colon, I was eager for something from the Sack O' Candy that wouldn't make me want to rip out my tongue and stomp it in the dirt. So today I went for the bag of California Marich Candy Champagne Truffles from the awesome DeKalb Farmer's Market. They have a pretty cool candy selection there and almost all of it has to do with things covered and smothered in chocolate goodness. The best thing about their selection is it's all in cellophane bags which are priced according to weight, so if you want to try something out you can just grab the smallest bag, which is what I did with these truffles. They were only $3!

These little truffles were shaped more like an outsized Whopper, and they had a good, very slightly chewy chocolately center surrounded by a waxy protective coat that kinda tasted vaguely like the Farmer's Market smells. They were best when you sucked on them and they melted in your mouth. I couldn't taste the champagne part, but for $3 for a bag of them they were pretty righteous.

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Operation Af-Candy-stan! Do you know a soldier serving in the Middle East or know an organization who will pass on donations to troops? Please let the Reese's Piece Corps know in the comments so we can make a rad candy donation!

Candy Ramadan: Day 4

2008-06-23T01:20:00.000-04:00

World Market fails me for the second day in a row with White Rabbit Red Bean Creamy Candy from China. It's an unholy alliance of corn starch syrup, cane sugar, butter, milk and red bean powder. I was wondering if some lead paint was in here too, but I think if there was it would have been much more tasty.

I took the wrapper off of one of these things, ignoring the fact that the inside of the package smelled just like turpentine. When I pulled off the wax paper (which, I should mention, had a picture of a rabbit that looked like it was pooping beans) there was a kind of clear plastic wrapper covering the candy, which I couldn't get off. So I got mad and threw that one away and tried a new candy, hoping that one would be more cooperative. It wasn't, so I tried to bite into it to see if I couldn't get it off that way. It was so damn hard it almost shattered my molars. My co-worker took out his pocket knife and cut another one in half, seeing if we couldn't get the plastic wrapper off that way but that didn't work either (and it sent a hunk of Red Bean Candy shooting off the table, nearly blinding him). Finally I just stuck one in my mouth to see if I couldn't suck the damn wrapper off.

The clear plastic wrapper, it turns out, wasn't made of plastic but rice paper, which dissolves into slimy tentacle goo before you swallow it. The candy itself tasted just like refried beans. It was barely sweet and did I mention it tasted like refried beans? It was so filthy, but going along with the philosophy of Andrew Zimmern from "Bizarre Foods" (and the knowledge that I just spent like $3 on a bag of this crap), I decided to try it twice to make my final judgment about it. And... it was still redolent of refried beans. What made matters worse, the bean taste stayed with me even after I ate my emergency piece of chocolate I keep in my lunch bag. I finally had to buy a coffee to get rid of the bean flavor.

If this is what passes for candy in China I feel so sorry for them. Who the hell thought of using beans as a candy flavor anyway? That's just some twisted shit. But in a world that allows a company to manufacture Celery Soda, I guess anything is possible. I think I am going to start a charity to send Mallo Cups and Cow Tales and Twizzlers to Asia. For 25 cents a day you can make sure a child in China receives the proper candy he or she so desperately needs. I think I will call it the Reese's Piece Corps.

In my heart, I know I'm funny.

Candy Ramadan: Day 3

2008-06-22T01:22:00.000-04:00

You know what's awesome? Shopping for candy. Usually buying candy is totally ancillary to your primary shopping goal; it's just an impulse buy at the check-out or when you walk by the post-holiday sale tables after Easter and Halloween. But to go to the store for the express purpose of purchasing a big basket of candy? It's a wonderful feeling, like being a kid in a... store... of some sort. A porn store. Yeah, like a kid in a porn store. Anyway, go try it sometime, seriously.

My candy expedition the last few days led me to one of my favorite places ever, World Market. They sell beer and Buddha statues there! And the candy selection is amazing, they have all kinds of German and Swiss chocolates and wacky Asian candy and English cookies, but they call them biscuits for some reason. I think it must be a metric thing.

Anyway, today's candy is not an import but a product of World Market, Dark Chocolate Blood Orange Cordials. I had a choice between these and the Caramel Apple Chews they had, and, coming off the Caramel Nirvana that is Cow Tales, I decided to go for the Cordials. Plus they sounded like those chocolate oranges that you whack on the table. Those things are so good.

The first one I ate was interesting. It was very sweet, but there wasn't much cordial filling, no chocolate taste and it almost felt like there was some kinda crunchy shell in the middle, almost like the inside of a Whopper. I bit another one in half to check out the infrastructure and, with cordial goo running down my chin, I found a red, waxy outside, a dark chocolate part, and white crusty stuff surrounding what was left of the liquid center. I think that the crusty stuff was just crystallized sugar from the cordial filling, which meant that the candy was probably old or something. Interestingly enough, though, the crusty bit gave it a pretty good texture in an otherwise meh candy. I ate about half of these before I threw them out. They were sweet, which was good, but I expected more from World Market. Plus I think in the back of my head I was wishing I'd gotten the Caramel Apple Chews instead. That's OK though, I bough a big sack o' candy from them so their reputation can be redeemed soon.

Bonus candy! A woman I work with gave me an itty-bitty Toblerone today. Hoorah! She's helping me keep the 'candy' in Candy Ramadan.

Candy Ramadan: Day 2

2008-06-21T01:20:00.002-04:00

I started off the day right by having one of my favorite candies for breakfast: Cow Tales. Nothing like three Cow Tales and a giant cup of coffee to get you going at at the crack of noon!

For you poor, unfortunate souls out there who have never had a luscious Cow Tale pass through your lips (and your lower intestine), it's a long rope of caramel filled with sumptuous white cream filling, kinda like the filling of an Oreo. It's just sugar wrapped in sugar and therefore a radical empire to all which is radical.

Yes, I know a lot of you are thinking they are the same thing as Caramel Creams, and while the concept is the same (and they're made by the same company), I think the caramel is much softer with Cow Tales and also the Tales are dusted lightly with a white powdery substance which helps them not stick to the candy wrapper. The wrapper claims that it's some sort of corn starch or flour or some such shit but I'm pretty sure there's gotta be heroin mixed in there because I crave these suckers like a mofo.

I think part of what makes these things so good is their limited availability in this area, and then half the time when you do find them they're all stale and gross. The mark of an excellent candy emporium is directly equivalent to the freshness of their Cow Tales. (I found these ones at Jo-Ann Fabrics. I need to go to Jo-Ann Fabrics more often, it is an untapped candy reservoir.) Whenever I see Cow Tales at a store I give them a little squeeze to see if they are soft and pliant. There is nothing more disappointing than biting into a hard Cow Tale. It's like eating a caramel candle. A caramel candle basted in my own bitter tears.

Cow Tales come in a few more flavors, but I've only tried one other one, the Caramel Apple one. God, that was so good. But I only ever found them at some truck stop in Florida a few years ago and since then I've spent an embarrassing amount of time searching for them. It's like Candy Sasquatch. And I know I can probably just order a metric fuck-ton online, but... it's just not the same, man.

Candy Ramadan: Day 1

2008-06-20T01:05:00.003-04:00

So I started off this most tasty of holy holidays with a candy I'd never tried before, a Mallo Cup. Mallo Cups are like peanut butter cups but instead of a gritty, oily center these had marshmallow fluff and chunks of dessicated coconut. At first I was wary of any candy that had fruit in it, because I didn't want to fill up on empty vitamins, but the coconut was practically at the end of the ingredients list and it was completely drenched in sugar and corn syrup, so I figured it was good. Plus I like the word 'dessicated'.

I bought these at Jo-Ann Fabrics today while I was looking for some mosaic tiles to glue all over my fireplace (security deposit be damned). I got out to the car and bit into one immediately, wanting to eat it before it got all hot and gooey. The first bite was so face-meltingly sweet that my teeth ached until I bought a Diet Coke and rinsed my mouth out.

Needless to say, it was AWESOME. There aren't that many candies that are so purely devoted to the unencumbered delivery of sugar in all of its wonderful forms. They always want to put some kind of organic dark chocolate or protein-rich nuts or fruit flavors in there and fuck up the sugar. But not Mallo Cups! It was super-sweet chocolate covering fluffy sugar goo and sugar-soaked coconut flakes. This was a really awesome way to start off Candy Ramadan.

Countdown to 30: Candy Ramadan

2008-06-19T01:06:00.007-04:00

It is now less than two months until my 30th birthday, and I'm bummed as hell. I don't want to be 30. I don't want any more people to tell me that 30 isn't that bad. I swear to Flying Spaghetti Monster that I noticed a wrinkle today on the side of my mouth. To make it worse it was only on the left side of my mouth so not only am I quickly on my way to looking like the Crypt Keeper I am doing so asymmetrically. Super.

So, as the sun sets on my 20s, it occurs to me that my time to do incredibly stupid things with no social repercussions is soon coming to an end. With that in mind, I plan on spending the last 57 days doing whatever fun and immature things I want. To kick it all off, I decided I'm going to observe Candy Ramadan.

I got the idea of Candy Ramadan from a Candy Addict article about the pitiful dearth of mid-year candy-related holidays. It's like actual Ramadan, only, you know, the total opposite. I originally wanted to eat nothing but candy from sunup to sundown, but all-night vomiting and eventually getting rickets is just not what Candy Ramadan is all about. So here are the rules I came up with for Candy Ramadan:

1. Candy must be eaten every day for thirty days.

2. A different kind of candy must be eaten each day.

3. If candy is consumed with another food item (such as cake, ice cream, etc.) the candy must constitute at least 50% of the dish to be counted as the daily candy.

4. Breath mints, gums, or any other item approved by the American Dental Association are not candy. Also, anything that is "nature's candy" is not actual candy but fruit in disguise (your parents lied to you).

5. Keep track of which candy is eaten every day and post it here.

Really, does anything say immaturity better telling the Food Pyramid to go fuck itself? Tomorrow the fun begins!

By the way... don't do a Google image search of the word 'candy' at work. Trust me.

Weird.

2008-05-31T02:08:00.002-04:00

I've had the theme from "Welcome Back, Kotter" stuck in my head for no good reason. I was getting a paper clip from a drawer in my office when it just started up in my brain on a continual loop all day long.

No, I'm not dead (again)

2008-05-24T01:00:00.002-04:00

I moved. It sucked. Do you know how exhausting it is to have to touch every single thing you own and decide if you want to keep it or which box to put it in? Next time I'm just going to set my shit on fire and start over. Except for my Decemberists posters. And my collection of gnomes. Oh, and my books. Probably should save my computer while I'm at it, and my juice glass with the dinosaurs on it. And my magnet collection. And my huge collection of free postcard and flyers I have hanging up in the bathroom (do you know how long it took to hang 63 individually-framed postcards up?). And my good knives, not those crappy rust-riddled ones I stole from Outback. I have a lot of beer in the fridge, too, so I can't let that go to waste. Oh man, and my Simpsons DVDs, no way I'm letting those suckers burn. Or Futurama. Or Red Dwarf. Or Firefly...

This is about where someone offers up that quote from 'Fight Club' about your stuff owning you. (That reminds me, I shouldn't let my copies of the book or the DVD burn up either).

I don't believe you mean it

2008-04-07T00:27:00.001-04:00

Lonely Little Sea Hag

2008-04-04T03:10:00.003-04:00

Am I the only person in the world who hates the dry, scratchy feel of a Q-Tip? People talk about how they kinda dig having their ear canal molested by a cotton swab, going so far as to refer to it as an "ear-gasm", but to me it's one of the most cringe-inducing activities around, akin to accidentally scraping a steak knife across a dinner plate or watching "Sex And The City." Don't get me wrong, I keep my ears wax-free... but I pretty much have to sneak up on myself and catch my ears unawares after a shower in order to do this. I hope everyone appreciates this.

I also don't like touching ice with my bare hands. But I do enjoy eating fruitcake. I'm alone on these three things, aren't I?

I survived Tornado '08!

2008-03-15T01:38:00.001-04:00

We got tornadoed on in Atlanta last night! But I am OK.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2008-02-25T00:55:00.002-05:00

My girl Diablo Cody won tonight!

My honor student is now the boss of your punk kid

2008-02-04T01:45:00.000-05:00

I was reading "The Astonishing Adventures Of Fanboy And Goth Girl" a few days ago and... it's not the best book (though I love me some fanboys), but there was a part where one of the characters was talking about how this country hates smart people, and he used the example of those 'My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student' bumper stickers.

Now, I could have told you back in kindergarten that there is a huge anti-intellectual feeling in this country, especially if you are a girl. There are two things that intimidate most men in the world, and those are brains and money, which, of course, pretty much go together like Han Solo and Princess Leia. I was never really harassed in school about it (possibly because I have awesome boobs) but I can't tell you how many times I've been on a date and had some guy say something like "Were you like one of those nerd kids in school?" I've never understood what tipped them off about that, it's not like I walk around with my SAT scores stapled to my forehead and I have an Erlenmeyer flask hanging out of my back pocket, but somehow these particular guys caught on pretty quick. I think it's because a lot of men have an idea of what a girlfriend should be like and 'smart' isn't on that list, so when I don't have a 45-minute conversation about how awesome "High School The Musical' is they must know. And then I would think about the kids I hung out with in high school, and what careers they have now: chemical engineer, doctor, people working on their doctorates at Emory and Georgia Tech. And then I would say with great pride: "yeah, I was a nerd and I still am." And then they never got another date with me.

I never thought about those damn bumper stickers that way before, though. It celebrates bullies while dismissing us geeks as people who need to be abused because we dare to be smart and apply ourselves in school. This bumper sticker says "my kid might be functionally illiterate, guaranteeing him a lifetime full of the sweatiest and noisiest jobs, but I'm proud that he commits assault and battery." It's totally messed up.

... and now for something completely different.

2008-01-27T22:50:00.001-05:00

Testicles.

That is all.

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

2008-01-18T02:18:00.000-05:00

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!

Some Loud Thunder

I really, really, really, really, really liked CYHSY's last album from the first time I heard it, so I was pretty excited about their new one, but I was a little cautious too, because this was one of those 'sophomore albums' that could cement them as an awesome band or exile them to 'their first album was a fluke' status. Also, CYHSY gained their fanbase for their first album via the internet instead of a record company (they were unsigned and produced it themselves. Actually, they even mailed out orders for their CDs to customers themselves), so it was going to be interesting to see what happened after I learned that they had finally signed with a record label.

The verdict is: well, the jury's still out on this one. It's not that I don't like it, but of the few times I have listened to it, it didn't grab me like their first album did. That's OK though, some of my favorite albums are ones that grew on me as times passed and I listened to them more and I think this one probably will too. It's a little quieter and doesn't have some of the fun, happy pop stuff that the last one did, but that's not necessarily a bad thing either. Eventually I will just have to work it into my rotation of stuff I listen to on my iPod and see what I feel about it.

Recommended songs:

Ask me again later

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Wilco

2008-01-16T02:31:00.000-05:00

Wilco

Sky Blue Sky

Even if you don't know who Wilco is, you've probably heard most of the music from this album already- they played it on the new Volkswagen commercials:

I liked this album. They ditched a lot of the twangy country flavor and all of the experimental noise-thing that they tried on some of their previous work and produced an album that is very mellow and melodic. It's a great album to put on when you're hanging out on the couch and reading a book. Wilco's lead singer Jeff Tweedy went on a solo tour earlier this year and Noochie and I went to see him. I really dug the stripped-down acoustic thing he did, and I think this album is a reflection of that.

Recommended songs:

"Sky Blue Sky"

"On And On"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Handsome Furs

2008-01-10T02:26:00.000-05:00

Handsome Furs

Plague Park

I first heard of Handsome Furs on that fateful night that I went to Steak 'N' Shake with Michael and we were listening to Album 88. Makes me wish I had kept listening all night long.

Anyway, Handsome Furs. This is apparently a side project of some guy from Wolf Parade and his fiance. I've never heard of Wolf Parade (or any of their fiances) but I did really like this album a lot. It's hard for me to describe their sound, it's not mellow or lush like I've described nearly everything that I've reviewed. Pitchfork calls it 'sparse and minimal' but I think it's got a lot more going on than that. I think 'minimal' and I think of some guy standing on a street corner who made a kazoo with a piece of waxed paper wrapped over a comb. That's minimal. Handsome Furs use synthesizers and drum machines. I guess there's a whiff of... um... industrial-ness to their songs. Grindy. Gloomy. Gray. I don't know. But it's worth checking out, at least as an antidote to all the mellow, laid-back stuff that came out this year.

Recommended songs:

"Handsome Furs Hate This City"

"Dead + Rural"

"Hearts of Iron"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Blonde Redhead

2008-01-04T02:28:00.000-05:00

Blonde Redhead

Pitchfork Media says of this album: "Somewhere underneath all the high-gloss, ornamental swirlies and lacquered doilies are haphazardly camouflaged well-written songs." To this I say (as I usually say about Pitchfork) : shut up, you bunch of tools. This is a good album, and one of the reasons I like it is because it is so totally and lushly hyper-produced. Its true that most of the vocals are pushed back to the point that you can't understand what they're saying, but I like music where the voice isn't predominant but is utilized as another instrument. The Changelings and My Bloody Valentine do this too, and they are both excellent.

I just discovered Blonde Redhead this year when Michael and I made a run on Steak 'N' Shake one night and had Album 88 on while we waited at the drive-thru. (Album 88, or WRAS-FM, is Georgia State University's radio station. I just got into listening to them about a year ago.) A song came on that I didn't recognize but I liked instantly, and it turned out to be "Spring and by Summer Fall" by Blonde Redhead, so I went ahead and got their CD. I haven't heard any of their older stuff so I don't know how this CD stacks up to their previous work, but I'm definintely going to check it out some time.

Recommended songs:

"23"

"Dr. Strangeluv"

"Silently"

"Spring and by Summer Fall"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Let's Go Sailing

2008-01-02T02:38:00.000-05:00

Let's Go Sailing

The Chaos In Order

Sometimes you can't help but like a band simply based on the way you discovered them: your best friend told you about them, you saw them play in a bar before they hit it big, you randomly bought a CD based solely on the cool cover art. I found Let's Go Sailing through Gil The Crab.

One day I watched all of the Honda Element commercials online and I totally geeked out over the Gil The Crab ones. ("I pinch" is still a popular catchphrase in the Sea Hag household.) So later on that day I scoured the internet for more about my new pinchy friend and came across his MySpace page. The song he had on his page was "Sideways" by Let's Go Sailing. Sideways? Crab? Get it? Heh heh, clever little crustacean. Anyway, I really liked this song so I bought their entire album.

This album turned out to be pretty good. Shana Levy's sweet, breathy voice adds a poignant, fragile quality to some of the quieter songs on this album, and a cheerful, girly kick to the more upbeat ones. Lyrically it's a little uneven, going from the bare-but-brilliant:

And all I want from you is love
And all I want from you is love

(Does she mean it as though it's the easiest thing to give or receive? The simplest? The hardest?)

To the clunky:

It hurts like a splinter stuck in your foot
And you've tried, but can't get it out.
And of course, you walk in the heat for miles.
You forget the pain, but it comes back after a while.

But in all, this is a great, solid indie-pop CD, and I think they'll just get better.

Recommended songs:
"Sideways"
"All I Want From You Is Love"
"Come Home Safely"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Modest Mouse

2007-12-30T02:14:00.000-05:00

Modest Mouse

We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Like the rest of the world, I started listening to Modest Mouse when their last CD "Good News For People Who Love Bad News" started being played all the time (I seem to remember that they had a TV commercial hawking their CD at Target). I listened to some of their older stuff after that, and I've come to the conclusion that this is one of those bands where I either LOOOOOVE a song or hate it with everything in me.

Thing is, while I'm sure that there are some really good tunes on this album (along with some shitty ones) I just haven't gotten around to listening to it yet. I think it's mostly because Isaac Brock's yelpy-bark of a voice isn't something you can listen to for extended periods of time without your brain melting out of your ears. Also, sometimes you're just not in the mood to listen to something, and that applies here.

Recommended songs:

"Dashboard"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Blackfield

2007-12-24T23:46:00.000-05:00

Blackfield
Blackfield II

It's highly possible that you've never heard of these people, because it's a side project of Porcupine Tree's lead singer Steven Wilson and some Israeli guy named Aviv Geffen. He's supposed to be big over there. Anyway, before the new album came out I would have said wow, you need to listen to these guys because they're really fucking good.

And then they released "Blackfield II".

Wow, is their new CD is a total and utter pile of steaming monkey boogers. Blackfield's first CD "Blackfield" is a favorite of mine, so I was super disappointed in how totally craptacular this one was. I should have known it would be awful just from the incredibly clever and creative title of the new CD.

For this release they tried to do more storytelling with their songs and... well, not everyone has mastered the art of telling a story in song without sounding like a bunch of morons. Ryan Adams? Colin Meloy? Bruce Springsteen? Billy Joel? They can. Blackfield guys? Puking guinea pigs could have done a better job. The songs are - Flying Spaghetti Monster help us - full of rhyming lyrics that are completely forced and clunky. And nothing kills a song for me faster than lyrics that rhyme for the sake of rhyming, or angsty songs that sound like they're straight from a 14-year-old's diary. Usually such a big change in music is a result of something like a change in labels or producers or rampant sobriety, but honestly this album sucked so hard that I don't even care to look it up online.

Recommended songs:

Their other album. For the love of everything that's good and holy.

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Ryan Adams

2007-12-19T02:12:00.000-05:00

Ryan Adams

Easy Tiger

Oh, Ryan Adams, how I want to jump your crazy-ass bones and then dump you just so you'd write a song about it the next day.

So it came as a surprise to... well, no one that Ryan Adams had been doing heroin and coke and drinking heavily for a long time, and that he went through rehab or some shit and was now sober. I know this is going to sound awful, but I always cringe a little on the inside when I hear that a favorite musician of mine has decided to get married/have a baby/clean up because generally their music always changes for the worst. I don't want you to be happy, damn it! I want you to be strung out and writing songs about that one girl who broke your heart!

One of the reasons I like Ryan Adams, besides the fact he's a nutty, bratty larger-than-life genius, is that he's not afraid to wallow around in his own misery and produce some incredibly dark work, such as my favorites "The Shadowlands", "Blue Sky Blues", "Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part", "La Cienega Just Smiled" or "Peaceful Valley", which has these cheerful lyrics:

All my life I've loved for forgiveness
But I can never seem to get enough
All my life I've been rocked into the darkness
With a gun to my head
Trying to find a peaceful song
Trying to find a peaceful song
To sing when everything goes wrong
Till the peaceful valley calls me home

But Ryan Adams' new album isn't full of the funeral-dirge ballads that I like the best, but it's not a bad album either. He's certainly put the 'country' back in 'alt-country' for this one, and though it's mostly good I'm just not a huge fan of the twangy stuff. But his vocals are very silky and pretty, his lyrics are always good, and the production quality of the album is fucking amazing.

The first single that was released off of this was "Two" which I think had Sheryl Crow doing background vocals. Why do people like her so much? She's an average singer and songwriter at best. Yeah, I know she just had breast cancer but my sympathy does not make her any more talented to my ears. Anyway, it's an OK song, it does smack of someone trying to garner playtime on an adult contemporary listening station though. There's much better stuff on the album, and if you dig country music I think you'd like this one a lot.

Recommended songs:

"Oh My God, Whatever, Etc."

"Off Broadway"

"Everybody Knows"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : The Decemberists

2007-12-17T02:15:00.000-05:00

The Decemberists

The Crane Wife

Yes, I know it came out in 2006 but The Decemberists are THE! BEST! BAND! EVER! so I'm totally going to whore them out right now. Plus I saw them two times on tour this year so that should count for something, right? Anyway, 'The Crane Wife' is an incredible album and I am particularly in love with the title track, which is actually a 3-part song that takes on a Japanese folk tale. One reason I love The Decemberists so much is that they can do shit like this or do an 18-minute homage to Irish folk hero Cuchulain or songs about pirates and whores and it doesn't sound like they're trying overly hard to be cute or smart or gain some sort of nerdy indie-cred. They do what they do because that's what they like, and even though this is their first release on a major label they haven't lost any of their Decemberists-ness, which is a feat in and of itself. LOVE THEM!!!! LOVE!!!!

Recommended songs:

"The Crane Wife 1-3"

"Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then)"

"Sons and Daughters"

"The Island"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Tori Amos

2007-12-13T02:29:00.000-05:00

Tori Amos

American Girl Posse

I should probably put a disclaimer here that Tori Amos will always be one of my favorite musicians even when she releases such huge gorilla turds as "The Beekeeper" or "Strange Little Girls". "American Girl Posse" isn't as bad as some of her previous albums but it's still lacking something that her earlier work just hummed with.

Tori Amos released her first album "Little Earthquakes" over 15 years ago, and she filled it with songs about the anger, sadness and disillusionment that came with leaving your childhood behind and entering a world your parents didn't (and couldn't) prepare you for; a place where you were no longer protected by your father's love but were victim to men's cruel hearts and your own unintentionally hurtful whims and relationships. So you just can imagine the effect an album such as this had on me when I was 19 years old and heard it for the first time. It was more than an album, it was my anthem and my religion then (and in a way, it still is). So is it fair to hold up Tori Amos' later works (or anyone else's, for that matter) to one that set an impossible standard? Of course not. To do so would be to experience suicidal disappointment in every single song you'll ever hear for the rest of your life.

But Tori Amos continued to release wonderful things after "Little Earthquakes" for several years, and she experimented and tried new things musically and continued to put this incredible emotional edge to everything she did. Her lyrics have always been odd and cryptic, but they could create a feeling that would be otherwise impossible to get if you analyzed them literally. But her last few albums have really lacked that raw anger and cynicism that made her earlier stuff so damn good. What little outrage she has now isn't directed towards her own little world but out at the world at large, and there's where it falls in to the Boring Protest Songs Category which I despise. The other songs she's done have been just way too boring and lame. Here's what I mean:

This is from her song "Silent All These Years" from "Little Earthquakes":
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts-

What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

Boy, you'd best pray that I bleed real soon

How's that thought for you?

This is from "Precious Things", also from "Little Earthquakes":

So you can make me come

That doesn't make you Jesus.

See what I mean? Coy, flip, hurt, confused and angry angry angry.

And now here's some lyrics from "Yo George" on "American Doll Posse":

I salute to you Commander
and I sneeze.
'Cause I have, now,
An allergy
To your policies, it seems.
Where have we gone wrong, America?

And this is from "Original Sinsuality" on "The Beekeeper":

Original sin?
No, I don't think so
Original sinsuality
Original sin?
No, it should be
Original sinsuality
Original sin?
No, I don't think so
Original sinsuality

... yeah.

Music critics love to throw around the word 'accessible' when describing some albums, as in 'it was their most accessible album to date'. Most of the time I think they just like saying that because they're being pretentious asshats, but with Tori Amos her albums have stopped being accessible to me. I imagine that after years and years of songwriting that exposed her most vulnerable, personal thoughts it might have gotten exhausting for her, or maybe she's done with that time in her life now and wants to sing about other things. Maybe it's because she's married and a mother now, and she's singing about a place in her life that I can't relate to because I haven't experienced it yet and maybe never will. I don't know. But when I hear her new stuff I don't get the sense that's she's singing about things that come from her deep well of personal experience anymore. It all seems like she's one step removed now, like she's singing about something she saw on TV.

But I can tell you that "American Doll Posse" is supposed to be yet another conceptual album in which she sings songs as one of five alter personalities (she did something similar in "Strange Little Girls", her all-covers album, where every song was reworked and sung as a different 'character', and "Scarlet's Walk" where she took on the persona of Scarlet) but of course it all is just vaguely different shades of Tori Amos, and I'm not sure exactly why she continues to feel the need to try on other costumes when her own personality is so much more interesting.

But I will still keep buying her albums.

Recommended songs:

"Beauty Of Speed"

... you know what? Just buy "Little Earthquakes". Seriously.

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review: Arcade Fire

2007-12-11T02:06:00.000-05:00

Arcade Fire

Neon Bible

I've got to admit, it took me a few good listens to get into their first album "Funeral" but it's become a favorite of mine. So, of course, when they released their sophomore album "Neon Bible" I wondered if, since they set the bar so high on their previous album, would I be disappointed in the new one?

The answer is... yes and no. Certainly 'Neon Bible' is a much more darker and moody album. The good news is that they're retained their old epic sound, with lots of instruments and background vocals. The bad news is... in the words of a post on songmeanings.net : "they sure like to bitch, don't they?" Their last album was very introspective, dealing with personal loss. This album is all about complaining that the government and TV and religion suck, which puts in squarely into the Boring Protest Songs category.

Just what is the Boring Protest Songs category, darling Sea Hag? That's a good question! The Boring Protest Songs Category are those songs that speak out about any of the following: government entities, government policies, political leaders, war, societal norms, 'the man', or the media AND the people who sing these songs have not experienced first-had how awful any or all of these are. For one thing, yeah, we all know those things are evil. Seriously. But thanks for the reminder. Another thing is that all of these songs kind of sound the same after a while, kind of like Christian rock or Christmas music. When you limit yourself to sing about one topic there's only so much you can say about it before it becomes repetitive and dull. And then, I'm pretty sure that most of your experience in any of these things you're singing about come from you watching 'The Daily Show', so it's missing any sort of emotional connection because you haven't been personally affected by it. (Or is it effective? I'm sure Noochie will enlighten me on this.)

This isn't a bad album, but I didn't like it all that much, mainly because I hate Boring Protest Songs. They're just not my thing. But maybe you'd like it. I won't try to judge you too harshly.

Recommended songs:
"Windowsill"
"No Cars Go"
Keep the Car Running"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Mobius Band

2007-12-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

This was one of those years where all the were planets were aligned in such a way that it caused pretty much all of my favorite musicians to release an album, so it was a pretty busy year for Sea Hag's iPod. This year included several sophomore efforts, new bands, and stuff from old favorites. Was any of it good? Did any of it suck? Can Sea Hag actually not sound like a pretentious music critic?

Mobius Band

Heaven

I wanted to love this album. God, how I wanted to love it like its predecessors 'The Loving Sounds of Static' and the practically flawless 'City Vs. Country' EP. But for some reason someone shitcanned all the guitars in favor of complete synthy boop-boops and brought lead singer Ben Sterling's voice to the forefront instead of letting it melt in with all the other instruments. The result is kinda... blah. There also seems to be more of an emphasis on the lyrics on this album, which really isn't their strong suit. Their last album and EP were great because they had this wonderful shoegazer vibe going on, with lush instruments and pushed-back vocals. The lyrics were abstract and dreamy and they really complimented the sound they created. But this new album, not so much.

Recommended songs:

"Hallie"

Sea Hag Loves New York!

2007-11-29T00:03:00.000-05:00

(No, I'm talking about the place, not the show recap that no one liked.)

So I'm going to New York City tomorrow and it's going to be the shit! In honor of my trip I compiled The Best New York-Related Music EVAR!!!!11!!1! playlist to listen to on my iPod:

1. New York, New York - Ryan Adams
This was the first song that popped in my head when I thought of New York.

2. Dear Chicago - Ryan Adams
I wrote a short story loosely based on this lyric:
I think the thing you said was true;
I'm going to die alone and sad.
The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurts me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love;
I think I've fallen out of love...with you

3. Shakedown on 9th Street - Ryan Adams
Ryan Adams sure does love him some New York City.

4. Off Broadway- Ryan Adams
See what I mean?

5. A Murder of One (live) - Counting Crows
In the live version of this song, Adam Duritz adds this bit to the song:
I have been to Paris
And I have been to Rome
And I have gone to London
And I am all alone
I have been to Paris
I have been to Rome
I've been to New York City
And I am all alone

6. Lit Up - The National
So lit up, lit up, lit up alright
I try to untie Manhattan
Lit up, lit up, lit up alright
I try to untie

7. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
The first time I came up with a New York playlist I somehow left this one out. I don't know what was wrong with me.

8. Marching Bands of Manhattan - Death Cab For Cutie
If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson

9. Handsome Furs Hate This City - The Handsome Furs
OK, The Handsome Furs never actually say they hate New York City, but I liked this song so much I figured I'd stretch the parameters of the playlist a bit.

10. No Sleep Till Brooklyn - Beastie Boys
You gotta put a Beastie Boys song in here somewhere!

11. I Can't See New York - Tori Amos
This song's pretty sad. It's about the World Trade Center.

12. Ghost - Neutral Milk Hotel
And one day in New York City, baby
A girl fell from the sky
From the top of a burning apartment building
Fourteen stories high
And when her spirit left her body
How it split the sun
I know that she will live forever
All goes on and on

I've read in several places that this entire album is about Anne Frank. I don't know if this is true or not, but they mentioned New York City so it made it in.

13. Angel of Harlem - U2
This is not my favorite U2 song, but I can't help but include it.

14. The World I Know - Collective Soul

I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why

15. Song For Myla Goldberg - The Decemberists
I know New York, I need New York
I know I need unique New York
I know New York, I need New York
I know I need unique New York

Say that five times fast!

16. Detach - Mobius Band
You sleep on a subway car
when the day's not long enough to wander

They get included because of the subway mention, and also because they live in Brooklyn.

17. New York State Of Mind -Billy Joel
This one was too easy.

18. City Vs. Country - Mobius Band
The city life hushed her, she will erase.
In a comin' down to the subway.
And the light of the train flicker off across your face ok, ok

This one made it on the list for the same reasons as the other Mobius Band song. Oh! And I might go see them in concert while I'm there! Bonus points!

19. 6th Avenue Heartache - The Wallflowers
What the hell ever happened to these guys, anyway?

20. Hotel Chelsea Nights - Ryan Adams
I'm totally going to go by Hotel Chelsea.

21. My Blue Manhattan - Ryan Adams
This one is good to put on here because it has a Christmas-y feel to it too.

22. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
This one is a Christmas song, and you have to love any Christmas song that starts off with It was Christmas Eve babe, in the drunk tank.

23. Famous Blue Raincoat - Tori Amos
It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.

24. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
Far, far away from West Virginia
I'll try New York City
Explaining that the sky holds you in
The sun rushes in and a child
With a shotgun can shoot down the honeybees that sting
But this boy could use a little sting

25. China - Tori Amos
China, all the way to New York,
I can feel the distance getting close

26. Ruby Soho - Rancid
Yeah... I really, really really stretched it with this one.

27. Daughters of the Soho Riots - The National
This is a good song. I highly recommend The National for all of your awesome listening needs.

28. Adventures of the Empress of Harlem and the Subway Boy - Joe Firstman
I have no idea who this guy is, but Noochie introduced me to this song.

Sea Hag Predicts The Future!

2007-11-19T02:56:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I was eating at Jason's Deli (Jason, wherever you are... marry me) with Noochie and we sat next to a 12-year-old kid who was eating lunch with his mother. Actually, he was ignoring his mother and his tasty, tasty sandwich for his Rubik's Cube.

This reminded me of the worst job I ever had, the four months I worked for KB Toys. By the way, those four months were the holiday months, and that year was the Year of the Furby. I think our store received a grand total of like 12 of those little fuckers to sell. Way to keep up with the demand there, KB. Anyway, it also turned out to be the Year Of The Yo-Yo. I remember stocking $20 yo-yos on a shelf one day and wondering who the fuck played with yo-yos? Kids who got tired of chasing a hoop with a stick? And also, who in the hell would pay $20 for a damn yo-yo? A week later a kid came in the store and wanted said $20 yo-yo, and we wound up selling hundreds of those damn things.

So anyway, this is my prediction for this upcoming holiday season: Rubik's Cubes are going to where it's at. Buy stock.

Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York 2 (Episode 3)

2007-10-27T01:33:00.001-04:00

To start off this episode, The Doosh tries, unsuccessfully, to start some shit with The Entertainer involving Midget Mac. I don't understand the whole 'I'm going to make myself look better by making everyone else look like shitheads" mentality, and clearly The Doosh doesn't either. He isn't smart enough to do it right, everyone in the house could easily kick his ass up and down the street and he picks the wrong people to mess with, like The Entertainer, who does not attend The School Of Laying Down And Sucking Shit For The Sake Of Being Nice. I'm beginning to like him more, in spite of his lumpy head.

Ass Biscuit and The Doosh are singled out by Buddha and the other guys as People Who Are Oxygen Thieves and they decide to prank them. They set up a fake challenge at 1 a.m. that says that the last guy who remains standing outside gets to have breakfast with New York when she gets up. So all of the guys play along with it and get dressed up and stand outside by the pool. And stand there. And stand there. And stand there, until the sun comes up and New York comes out to smoke her morning cigarette and tells Ass Biscuit and The Doosh, the last two left standing, that they got their asses good and punked. It was great for two reasons: it was a clever prank and my hatred for The Doosh and Ass Biscuit has been validated. Buddha for president!

Another classy morning in Flavor Country.

There was a challenge later with the guys being split into 4 groups to pitch ideas to expand on the New York Empire. Isn't New York already the Empire State? That is kind of confusing. Anyway, it's all pretty stupid, one team decides to promote a New York iPod, one does a New York perfume (when someone asks them what it would smell like, I almost hemmoraged from laughing at the possiblities for that one. Menthol? Weave Glue? Does the end of your fifteen minutes of fame have a fragrance?), one does a New York clothing line and the last one wants to do a Blaxploitation film called "B.A.B." (that's Bas Ass Bitch, for those of you not paying attention at home) starring New York as "N.Y. Tiffahontas." Awesome.

Of course, the Tiffahontas group is composed of my favorites: Cheezy, Ass Biscuit and The Doosh, and they win. The prize? Two dates with New York, one being a solo date for the person who contributed the most to the project, and a group date for the other two. New York decides that The Doosh will get the solo date, much to Cheezy's whiny dismay as he pretty much came up with the entire idea and The Doosh merely presented it in using his best I'm Selling Time Share Condos pitch. They both tattle to New York and she picks The Doosh because he's "the one I want to fuck." This is why I enjoy her so much.

Nothing says lovin' like stainless steel.

So they go on their date and New York gives The Doosh this necklace that looks like she broke the handle off my grandmother's gravy ladle. The next day Ass Biscuit and Whine 'N' Cheezy go and have sexy pictures taken with New York. Ass Biscuit keeps licking everything with his mucus tongue.

Ewwwww.

When New York comes back to the mansion, she finds that The Entertainer has a bubble bath going for her, so she gets in with him and he starts sucking New York's hammer toes. I would like to take a moment to thank them both for keeping their clothes on in the tub, though I must admit The Entertainer has a pretty nice body. Then The Doosh comes in and busts up the party by being, well, himself.

Nom nom nom.

Eliminations come around. Whine 'N' Cheezy and Man Man get kicked off. I'm not sad to see either go. Since The Doosh and Ass Biscuit take up so much of my recap (and my undying hatred) I guess I should go ahead and mention all the guys who are left in the house right now:

Buddha

20 Pack

Pretty

Punk

The Entertainer

Midget Mac

Mr. Wise

Wolf

Ass Biscuit

The Doosh

Next week: The Doosh gets picked on more. I weep with pleasure.

International ______ Day!

2007-10-24T00:13:00.001-04:00

I got to do another International Day today. Go look. Go on, I'll wait for you right here.

We Can't Stop Here, This is Cat Country!

2007-10-23T00:28:00.001-04:00

There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible than a dog in the depths of a kibble binge.

Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York (Episode 2)

2007-10-16T23:28:00.000-04:00

So I missed the first 20 minutes of the show and that pisses me off, but not enough to go scour the Internet to find it. Apparently they had some kind of competition or something. I'm sure there were plenty of laughs and New York was a mega bitch.

Midget Mac!

So the winners of this thing were Midget Mac, Buddha (who is a gorgeous man) and The Doosh. Midget Mac (who I still think needs his own show) got some alone time with New York and they bonded over ranch dressing. Buddha and The Doosh had to share a date at the go-kart track where The Doosh continued to live up to his name by whining that Buddha wrecked him into the wall and admitting that he was going through a divorce so he still technically had a wife. Now, I do have to give him credit for having the nuts to admit that right off the bat but... yeah. Still married. Nice one there, Doosh.

Here's The Doosh being all 'Silence Of The Lambs' and shit.

Before the date The Doosh arranged to have flowers delivered to the mansion, which would be sweet if he hadn't pretty much admitted that it was all part of his Master Doosh Plan to manipulate New York. I swear this guy sells used cars for a living. Unfortunately for him, It answered the door and proceeded to take credit for the flowers himself. I'd like to take a moment now to tell you how much I hate It, so much so that I have decided to rename him Ass Biscuit. Why do I hate him? For one thing, he mumbles. He's also a moron. Separate, those things aren't that big of a deal, but together the form an unholy alliance of suckitude. For instance, when asked point-blank if he did, in fact, buy the flowers for New York or if he swiped them, he said "mumble mumble mmmmm you know boom boom bam bam boom mmmmm mumbles Lawrence Fishburn mumble mmmm mum." The best lie he could come up with was that Lawrence Fishburn must have sent the flowers to the house for Ass Biscuit. Wow. The problem is he's not stupid enough to be entertaining and his mouth-full-o'-marbles voice is just incredibly, horribly irritating to me. I hope he leaves soon, even before The Doosh.

Here's Ass Biscuit, formerly known as It. This is one of the smarter faces he makes.

Let's see... what else happened? Oh, Unsure decided to leave the house because... I don't know, he's retarded or something. I mean, he was upset because another guy ratted him out and he didn't like living in a house of people he wasn't friends with. News flash, honey: it's a COMPETITION. Your goal was to stay on the program long enough for people to get to know who you are, then when you leave people pay you like $5,000 to do appearances at their parties. Uh... I mean, stay on the show to find true love with New York. It was probably best that he left when he did because he has a face that's just begging for a beating.

Seriously, how can you look at this guy and not want to stomp on his nads for a while?

In the end, three guys left: Unsure, some guy who "looked like a pinto bean with eyes" , and some other guy who had a damn temper tantrum. It was pretty funny. So now it's down to 12 guys.

Here's a picture of Buddha. You're welcome.

Sea Hag Prophecies:

1. Buddha will make it to the final 3.

2. Midget Mac will be in the top 10.

3. The Doosh will be in the top 5.

4. Ass Biscuit will be around a lot longer than I want him to be.

5. I will pray for many ass whippings.

Speaking of Ryan Adams...

2007-10-15T02:27:00.001-04:00

I wrote a story that was inspired by the song 'Dear Chicago'. The lyrics are at the top in purple.

Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said, "That's impossible to do. "
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again,
I'm not crying out too much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted bad.
I think the thing you said was true;
I'm going to die alone and sad.
The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurts me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love;
I think I've fallen out of love...with you

New York City,
You're Almost Gone

On the morning of her wedding, Erin sat on a cement bench in the church courtyard and watched the smoke from the tip of her cigarette melt into the January sky.

The courtyard had been constructed from the awkward patch of grass that ran between the chapel and the annex building that housed the Sunday school and kindergarten classes. A fountain with a tiptoeing cherub stood at the far end, its basin clogged with flaking dead leaves. For three years Mrs. Janine 'Janey' Baxter (the head of the Ladies With Christian Morals League and co-chair of the Think of the Children Annual Bake Sale) had a vision of a glorious, rioting flower garden blooming against the chapel wall but the narrow courtyard let in little sunlight and the roses and pansies and daffodils rotted in the damp soil. Now the only thing in the flowerbeds were wet cigarette butts from nervous smokers who weren't brave enough to stand on the front steps and fend off any panhandlers who might walk by. The concrete bench, with its richly entertaining graffiti, was pushed against the annex building wall and faced the splotchy brick side of the chapel and the ashtray flowerbed. However, if seated correctly, like Erin was, the bench also provided a partial view of the sidewalk through the cast-iron gate that capped off the end of the courtyard.

A Snickers wrapper from the vending machine in the dim annex basement brushed against Erin's ankle, bare in spite of the weather. The tiny alcove where her bridesmaids were busily curling their hair and stepping into their fluffy gowns had been stifling and Erin was desperate to get away from the heat and her fiancé’s pouting niece; the girl hated her dove-gray bridesmaid dress and that her daily dramas were not being attended to. Smoking a cigarette was the only thing that would guarantee that any well-meaning person would leave her alone for five minutes. The fact that Erin didn't normally smoke went unremarked by anyone in the bridal party; they were all Brandon's family and had only just met her a few days ago. Erin hoped that going outside in just her lacy underthings and her father's huge wool overcoat would be attributed to wedding day jitters by her future in-laws. Or maybe they would think she was plain old crazy. Either way suited her just as well.

Erin took a shallow drag off of the cigarette and continued to watch the sidewalk, but it was still too early in the day for any guests to arrive at the church. She flicked the glowing tip against the bench, letting the spent ashes float away in the winter wind. She felt her own heat radiate towards her face from inside the collar of her father's coat and wondered if she could bum another cigarette from the janitor, or if she could dare walk down to the gas station to buy a pack of her own.

At that very moment a young man, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his dark jacket, turned the corner and began to walk in front of the church. As he came to the cast iron gate to the courtyard the familiar smell of burning tobacco and damp winter air engulfed him, making him think of the Christmas he spent at his grandfather's cabin when he was six years old, watching the old man whittle a toy train out of a hunk of blond wood with a Pall Mall dangling from his lower lip. As he broke his hypnotic gaze with the sidewalk to look for the source of the cigarette smell his eyes caught Erin's through the iron bars.

With that dark, careful glance Erin was suddenly in New York City six years ago, standing at the center of the world with her lover and the hot red glow of pulsing neon. They reached for each other's hands. It was ten o'clock at night. Steam gushed from the yellow lip of the Ramen Cup O' Noodles that crowned Times Square. Children poured in and out of Toys 'R' Us with faces bubble-gum pink. Taxis. Starbucks jammed full. Mediocre chain restaurants with bright white signs pouring over the sidewalk. A bus passed them; the sour smell of underground subways followed it. A girl in a purple tank top stood underneath the MTV Studios with a hand-lettered sign in Japanese; a shadow passed in front of one of the windows and she bounced on her platform shoes. Twin girls in matching green sweaters ate greasy french fries out of a McDonald's bag that their mother held down to them. Someone honked a horn at a tourist taking pictures in the middle of the crosswalk. Another horn answered four blocks over, and another. A drag queen brushed past, talking in Portuguese on a sleek cell phone, her accent and walk like warm marmalade. Erin reached out with her other hand and grabbed her lover's arm, wanting to keep him in this exact spot for as long as she could, within the buzzing heart of everything she'd ever seen and smelled and heard and touched in her life.

From the deep tunnel of the past Erin could see herself so clearly, standing in the swirl of Times Square, the saturation of that day spreading into the next and next, across the trip back home and the next year they were together. That lonely year: the time she threw a coffee cup at his head, the move across town, bronchitis, the stray cat, pawnshops, temp agencies, cold floorboards, too many funerals to count. New York City fading across the end of that relationship and the last time she felt his hummingbird heart against her chest; finally gone now, on this very day as she sat on the concrete bench with a smoldering cigarette pinched between her knuckles, two years of sobriety done and his final curse of loneliness on her head.

The young man's eyes remained locked on Erin's while his left foot struck the sidewalk in front of the cast iron gate, rightleftright and with a short nod he was gone, leaving her alone in the courtyard perched like a strange bird in an oversized charcoal coat, her hair pinned up in curls and baby's breath, her fingertips twitched towards his retreating, slouching back. She sighed, watching the cigarette burn down to the filter and slowly stood up. She flicked the butt into the Marlboro-studded flowerbed and walked inside.

Hot date tonight!

2007-10-14T01:33:00.001-04:00

Here's the stud muffin I'm gonna hang out with tonight... and if I'm lucky, tomorrow morning. Mwah ha ha! Don't wait up for me!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2007-10-10T23:18:00.000-04:00

Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York (Episode 1)

2007-10-09T01:20:00.000-04:00

See how I told you a few days ago that I would try to do a weekly recap of 'I Love New York 2'? Seriously, it's down there, right below this post. See it? OK. Told you so.

I guess I should explain this show first to the uninitiated. OK, a few years ago there was a reality show called 'The Surreal Life' which had washed-up and B-list actors, singers, models, porn stars, athletes and whoever else just finished their 15 minutes of fame competing for... money? A house? Candy? I don't remember, but it's not important. The whole show was just watching people with disproportionately huge egos learn about life and love. (Not really, all they did was bitch at each other and it was funny.) Anyway, one season they had Flavor Flav of Public Enemy and Brigette Nielson who was in some '80s movies (and is Sylvester Stalone's ex-wife), as two of the contestants. They wound up getting into some sort of... oh, let's call it a relationship, and they got their own spin-off show called 'Strange Love' which I've never seen but I'm sure was full of good times and noodle salad.

Anyway, their relationship didn't work out so VH1 had Flav do a show called 'Flavor of Love' which was a dating show where 20 women competed against each other to date Flavor Flav. The final two contestants were a girl called Hoopz and also New York, who had made a name for herself by being the biggest, nuttier-than-a-Claxton-fruitcake bitch possible. New York lost, but Flavor Flav wound up doing a second 'Flavor of Love' show and somehow New York got put back in the mix... where she made it to the final two contestants... where she lost yet again. So they gave her her own show called 'I Love New York' where her final two guys were a punk-ass named Chance and much more mature Tango (who was also known as Ninja Turtle). She chose Tango, who promptly dumped her ass at the reunion show. Which brings us to 'I Love New York 2', a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off. Also, this time around, the 'twist' with the contestants was that five of them were chosen online by fans (and by 'fans' I mean it was totally rigged). Then New York's mom Sister Patterson (a.k.a. Darth Vader) brought five of her own guys in the mix, and the other ten were picked from auditions. And know you know... the rest of the back story. Good day!

Anyway, as with any reality show, the first episode or two isn't great because there are too many people involved and you haven't established favorites yet. I could go and detail what happened but it would be hella boring. Basically all the guys showed up at the mansion and they got their nicknames and they had a party and New York kicked five off the show at the end. The highlights of Episode One were:

Oh my God boobs!

1. New York's boobs

New York was wearing an outfit that was an unholy love child of a ice skater's outfit and a stripper costume, with the resulting effect of her huge fake tits gushing out of the top. Seriously, she needs to have those puppies registered as some sort of weapon because she was about to smother everyone in a 2-mile radius with her mighty cleavage.

2. Midget Mac

Yeah, they got a midget to be a contestant. When they've finished ringing out the entertainment value from him I hope they give him his own show because he actually stared down Sister Patterson instead of being scared of her like everyone else is. That would be tight. New York at one point wondered if he had "magical leprechaun powers."

3. Tailor Made

This was one of Sister Patterson's guys, and he was such a slimy douchebag that I shall refer to him evermore as The Doosh. New York said he "looked like a crooked bookie." The teaser for next week shows another guy slamming his head into a wall so hard his skull bounces. Score!

Behold and fear the glory that is The Entertainer's lumpy head. Fear it!

4. The Entertainer

Unfortunately, all of the guys who were 'voted' onto the show by the fans were really weird and ugly and a bunch of them got the boot in the first show. The Entertainer, who got to stay because he was the top fan choice, had a lumpy knot thing on his forehead and was pegged as a freak by Sister Patterson.

Things I'm Embarrassed To Like: VH1 Reality Shows

2007-10-05T23:43:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago I caught the final episode of the 'Rock Of Love' reality show with Bret Michaels (of Poison) settling on mellow Jes over party-girl Heather. It wasn't a bad show, really, I watched the last half of the series and was reasonably entertained, but in comparison to the other VH1 reality shows 'Flavor or Love' and 'I Love New York', it was pretty weak.

I think most of the reason why it wasn't as good as the other ones was because Bret Michaels isn't a total character like Flavor Flav or New York (a.k.a. Tiffany Pollard). Back in the day I'm sure that Bret could've made for some totally wild-ass partying drama, but now he's a diabetic semi-washed-up rocker and, based on his choosing the much-quieter Jes over Stripper Barbie Heather, I'm guessing he knows his partying days are behind him and he wants someone who isn't going to need to bailed out of jail for indecent exposure and public drunkenness. Don't get me wrong, I actually thought Heather would have been a good choice for him because she... well... has a few miles on her, to put it mildly, and she had his named tattooed on her neck, but Jes has awesome Jem and the Holograms hair which would have made her my top choice too. Bret did seem like a cool cat, except he had the habit of mentioning that he wrote 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' like every single episode. It is a great song, possibly the best rock ballad to come out of the 80's, but dude, get over it, it was like 20 years ago. Live in the now! Plus, watching people who are cool and laid-back trying to date other people who are cool and laid-back is pretty boring after a while. I can watch the same kind of drama amongst my co-workers and there's not nearly as many commercials involved.

See what I mean? How could Jes not be picked, she is truly truly truly outrageous!

Now 'Flavor of Love', that's where it's at. Flavor Flav may be pushing 50 and so partied out that he looks like a leathery stick of beef jerky with gold teeth, but damn it if he isn't fun to watch. I mean, he wears a viking helmet and punctuates his serious discussions with "word" (which has since made into the Sea Hag lexicon). He has a giant metal dinosaur on his front lawn that wears a clock around its neck. It's a hot mess; what's not to like? I also think they did a better job of casting Flav's shows (and the 'I Love New York' spinoffs) with people who could generate controversy and drama without making it seem as staged as I'm sure it really is. I mean, both 'Flavor Of Love' shows had New York in them, and she was so infamous that they gave her two shows of her own. She was emotional and a total bitch, cunning and manipulative, but I have to respect someone who knows she's a complete hose beast and refuses to change for anyone. The only real 'troublemaker' in 'Rock Of Love' was Lacey, and she was a bitch too, but she just came off as a psychotic tattletale and lacked the fine scoundrel's heart New York has.

Fortunately for me the next season of 'I Love New York 2' starts Monday and it will be a radical empire to all which is radical. I am going to attempt to do an ongoing blog entry after each episode but we'll see how that goes.

I Hate Everyone: People In Commercials

2007-10-01T23:23:00.000-04:00

So I was over on The Slate a few weeks ago reading the Ad R eport Card and the guy who normally writes it is going on some sabbatical bullshit and I'm all upset about it because I have a total crush on him. I mean, he's such a funny, smart-ass writer that I'd totally sit on his face and I don't even know what the guy looks like, so that's how awesome he is.

Anyway, his parting article was a short collection of ads people hate. It was OK, but it made me think of the time in my high school English class my junior year when my teacher announced that she wished that she could put The Wolfman and Donna (two local people who sold furniture and did totally lame commercials for it) into a box and fly them into the center of the sun. So in honor of Mrs. Federovich and Seth Stevenson, I compiled my own list of People in Commercials Who I Wish I Could Put In A Box And Fly Into The Center Of The Sun:

1. The couple from the Sonic commercials

Sweet grape cream slush, if this is what marriage is like I'd rather try to beat myself to death with a New Balance sneaker. These ads show a couple who are sitting in the Sonic drive-in enjoying whatever the frosty drink special of the month is while they barely contain their contempt for each other. The wife is a stuck-up bitch and the husband is a total asstard, and therein lies the hilarity, I guess. I mean, the woman married the guy, how did she not realize the guy was an immature idiot? And what does she have to bitch about anyway, the guy takes her to Sonic all the time! How can anyone be pissy at a Sonic drive-thru? This one time they gave away FREE root beer floats! A girl who has this big tray of condiments walks around to all the cars and asks if you want more ketchup! There are few things more awesome than that.

2. The chorus from the Rondo commercials

First of all, Kias are just one step up from a roller skate. Second of all, 'Rondoism' is a totally stupid made-up word. Third, the people are singing around San Francisco and everyone knows that they only drive Toyota Priuses there. But most importantly, these people need to be destroyed because they're so damn loud: LET THE SUN SHINE IN! LEEEET THE SUN SHINE IN! THE SUUUUUN SHINE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

3. The 'Messin' With Sasquatch' guys

The theme of these commercials seems to be that if you eat Jack Links Beef Jerky you are a complete dickhead. And yes I know that Big Foot isn't real and it's just a guy in a suit that they're pulling pranks on, but it's comes across as being really mean-spirited and douche-y.

4. The guys dressed up like Whoppers on the Burger King commercials

First of all, these commercials are just plain stupid, and the latest one shows the Dad Whopper busting in on a Chicken Sandwich kid making out with his daughter, and he can't get through the bedroom door to kick the Chicken Sandwich kid's buns (heh). Um, why isn't his daughter a Burger King food product? And how did he get into the front door but not the bedroom door? Why did he buy a house that he couldn't fit through the doors anyway?

5. The Berries & Creme Starburst guy

This guy is just... so, so wrong. So very creepy. I get 'The Uh-oh Feeling' every time I see this commercial. Plus his irises have no color, so that's proof that he's the undead.

The Way I See It #265

2007-09-26T12:09:00.000-04:00

A few days ago I was worshipping at the Cathedral of St. Arbucks when I noticed the following quotation on the side of my Cinnamon Dolce Latte:

Wild animals often do a much better job of caring for their offspring than we civilized and educated humans do. If we cannot keep children safe in their homes, how can we hope to make ourselves safe in the world?

-- Lee Grogg, Executive director of Ryther Child Center, an agency providing safe places and opportunities for children.

I never bothered reading Starbucks' version of Successories on my coffee cup because it's usually hidden under the cardboard sleeve, but a for the last few weeks I've been having worse-than-normal insomnia and on this particular day I had been up for nearly 38 hours so things were… a little weird. I mean, colors were a little brighter and I was hearing things before they actually made a sound. I was one with the infinite void, man, and on this day my coffee cup was talking to me and telling me to read the wit and wisdom of Lee Grogg. And so I did, and when I read it I knew that it was something that must be laughed and mocked mercilessly, but alas I was not in the state of mind to do so at the time, but before I stepped back into the swirling purple cosmos that unites us all- seriously, dude- I saved the cup.

Now, I am sure that this Ryther Child Center does a lot of good work and helps a lot of children out, but are they crazy? For most animal species, 'caring for their offspring' consists of them laying eggs in a warm hole in the ground and taking off. Most birds and mammals do raise their young but very often they will eat their young, or they shun the runts and let them starve, or they will purposely kill off a twin because they can't produce enough food to feed more than one baby.

So please, people, for the sake of the children, let's start a campaign to buy a TV and cable TV for The Ryther Center so that they can watch Animal Planet and stop saying such goofy-ass things to the coffee-drinking world.

Goodbye Robert Jordan

2007-09-21T23:24:00.000-04:00

I was 18 when 'The Wheel of Time' came into my life.

I was a freshman in college then, and I was hanging around the famous (or infamous, depending on how well you know him) Hyperion, and he bought me a copy of the first book of Robert Jordan's 'The Wheel of Time' series, 'The Eye of the World', and demanded that I read it. (And if you do know Hyperion, demanded is a nice way of saying it.) I seem to recall that he also bought me a stuffed moose as a bribe to read this book.

This is the copy that Hyperion gave to me 11 years ago. It's seen better days.

I dragged my feet on reading it for about a month or so. It was a fantasy novel, which I typically didn't read, and a serial fantasy novel, which only the hopelessly dorky and eternally un-laid liked. But it seemed important to him (and he was bugging me about it day and night) so one day when I was doing my laundry at school I sat on top of a washing machine to guard my clothes from being thrown on the floor and started to read.

It started off with a typical fantasy beginning: a gawky teenager named Rand al'Thor going about his life, unaware that he's probably going to be a hero later on. Other main characters are introduced. Rand and his father are sitting at home minding their business several pages later, and as the spin cycle kicked in I wondered why it was that Hyperion was forcing me to read this boring shit... then the Trollocs knocked on Rand's door, changing his life and mine as well.

From that point on, I've been a fan of the series. I finished the first book the next day and inhaled the rest of the novels in the following months. I stayed up all night before my Chem I final to finish the fourth book, which had an ending that was so incredible that I cried. In the past few years my initial enthusiasm for the series cooled a bit, but I'd be one of the first to pick up the newest book when it came out and I had recommended it often to friends and family.

I guess it was only fitting that Hyperion was the one who first told me that Robert Jordan had passed away Sunday. The greatest sadness here lies in the fact that he never completed the series, and that all the side projects and other stories he had planned on doing would never come to light. But Jordan left behind a wonderful legacy in the Sea Hag universe, and that is the knowledge that the gift of a good book is a rare and precious thing. Since Hyperion bought me my own copy of 'The Eye of the World' (which has been read so many times it's falling apart and has to be held together by rubber bands) I have, in turn, shared or bought copies for my stepfather, my wasband, several friends, co-workers, and many ex-boyfriends, who, in turn, have gone on to suggest it to others. Jordan left behind a body of work that is awe-inspiring not in just sheer volume and scope, but in the way that people love the characters and the story so much that they feel compelled to share it with others.

But most of all, these books helped me forge a deep friendship with Hyperion that has lasted nearly 14 years, and it's the one topic we can always come back to and discuss no matter how much time or how many miles have been between us. And I think that's a great thing to leave behind.

Sandwich of the Gods

2007-09-13T00:14:00.000-04:00

I happened to have a ripe tomato, slime-free lettuce, non-green bacon and unfuzzy bread on hand today so I made myself a BLT, and it was probably the best thing I've put in my mouth lately. So good, in fact, that I chose not only to blog about it, but to take a picture of it too.

More Dragon*Con goodness

2007-09-03T01:50:00.000-04:00

This was the best costume I saw at Dragon*Con: Wonder Twin Jayna and her brother Zan, who had already transformed into a bucket of ice.

Don't blame him, he voted for the Brain Slug Party.

Very excellent 'Shaun Of The Dead' guys. It makes me wonder if they wanted to dress up like them because they already looked like them, or if they wanted to dress up like them at it was just luck that they looked like them anyway. Wait, did any of that make sense?

Cookie Monster and Franklin. Cookie Monster told me that he found his costume on eBay. I never got a chance to ask him why he was wearing a toga as well. But then, it might be better that I didn't know. Less therapy bills, you know?

Franklin and a dude whose badge name was The Gnome. He invited me to do a kilt check on him, which I somehow graciously managed to decline with the faint taste of barf in my mouth. Even more oddly, Jonathan had seen this guy before at IHOP.

Here's Jonathan being surrounded by more ladies. They just couldn't get enough of him.

Here's me being clever and rebellious. Take that, The Man!

I have no idea what this guy in the big yellow and red costume is supposed to be, but Jonathan knew and totally geeked out about him so I took a picture.

Lego dude! This was also a very excellent costume.

Sea Hag does Dragon*Con

2007-09-02T00:08:00.000-04:00

I went to Dragon*Con on Friday, which is a huge nerd-stravaganza that's held every year in Atlanta, so of course my happy ass is all over that like a rat on a Cheeto. This year was my eighth (I think) time going, and much to my delight Noochie said he'd go with me. Just for the record,The Nooch is in no way interested in anything remotely nerdy, geeky, dweeby or dorky so this was pretty awesome of him. He was like a pilgrim in an unholy land. An unholy land full of girls dressed like fairies, goth kids, Trekkie fans, and sweaty men in 5x t-shirts whose only exposure to the female breast has been of the two-dimensional anime variety. Noochie is the bravest guy I know.

So we got there about 11 a.m. and to my surprise there were about nine million fellow nerds in line to get their credentials. I mean, most nerds don't get up until way after the crack of noon so I was pretty amazed that so many had showed up so early.

NERDS! I totally dug the dude with the Jayne costume on the right... and if you don't know who Jayne is, shame on you.

This is a little baby nerd dressed like Jango Fett we saw while we were waiting in line. Awwww!

Of course, it didn't surprise me that it took a little under two hours to get through the line, because Dragon*Con is a bit... well, I wouldn't say badly run, but it definitely has a bit of a chaotic element to it. I think this is because it's such a huge convention and that it relies almost completely on volunteers to do just about everything. Most of the reason it took us so long was because you had to fill out this form with your name and address and all that on it, then you paid one person, then you stood in a second line so that someone could put all your information in a computer, then you stood in a third line to get your badge printed up. Um... if anyone from Dragon*Con wants a suggestion, why don't you guys type that information into your computers after the con is over? I'll volunteer myself to do it. Anyway, it was all good, because it was totally worth it to hear the girl yell out "Sea Hag!" when my badge was printed.

Anyway, we went exploring after that, and we went to the Walk of Fame, which is where the celebrities hang out, and I met Gil Gerard of disco-fabulous Buck Rogers fame. He was a nice guy! I told him about watching Buck Rogers during my bout with boogers, and we talked about 'Amelie' for a bit too. Most celebrities that show up for cons are either very cool and have a good time meeting their fans, or they act like total asshats, which is a shame.

Franklin got to meet Gil Gerard too, and he thought he was a total class act.

After that, we went to one of the dealer's floors, where they sell all things great and nerdy. Noochie got some awesome movie posters. I walked by a table and saw stuff for the Owly comics. Now... I'm going to admit that last year I met Andy Runton, who draws Owly, and I had a total fangirl moment. I mean, was just a total tool and giggled and blushed and was in general a complete moron. Much to my relief, he wasn't there for me to embarrass myself again, but his nice girlfriend was, and she pointed out some of the super-cute stuff they had for sale, one of the items being the MOST AWESOME HAT EVER which looked like owl ears and had a little Wormy on the head too. If you go look at the comic you'll understand why this is so friggin' rad and why I had to buy one and wear it right then. Of course, after I bought it, Andy Runton came up and wanted a picture with me and my new hat, and I'm proud to say I didn't get all stupid on him again.

You can't look at this and not tell me that this isn't the best hat you've ever seen. I mean, it's so awesome that I put a picture of myself on my blog just so you could see it. I'm here with Andy Runton, the creator of Owly and a super-duper nice (and tall) guy. Go buy his stuff!

Shortly after the Awesome Hat Experience, Noochie had to go do some Noochie stuff, so I hung out with my friends John, Missy, and their friend Dean for a little bit then met my friend Jonathan for some beer in the bar at the Hyatt. Fun was had! Beer was drank! There were some Jägermeister girls there and we got all sorts of free stuff from them. There were also some Michael Collins girls there (apparently it's some kind of whiskey. Who the hell does shots of whiskey at a hotel bar?) and some Miller Lite girls too, who were...well, let's just say that out of all the Liquor Chicks, they were definitely the 'light beers' of the bunch.

Jonathan and the Jäger Girls. Jonathan had chicks all over him all night long, even with me sitting there inadvertently cock-blocking, because that's just how totally sexy he is. He's single, ladies!

After much beer, we wandered the con and saw crazy people and sat through a viewing of the 'musical' episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and I somehow wound up getting free parking in Atlanta, which is a miracle in and of itself.

Tomorrow: More con pics!

Cinnabon canned coffee = meh

2007-08-28T01:40:00.000-04:00

When I saw the 4-can bricks of Cinnabon premium coffee drink at the Super H Mart, I just about pooped myself. I mean, does everything that Cinnabon makes taste awesome? And am I a total slut for coffee? I think we all know the answers to those questions. So I bought the Caramel Nut Latte and the Cinnamon Vanilla Latte flavors and went home to have my taste buds be awash in Cinnabon coffee goodness.

I think I might have set my expectations too high for this drink, because I thought they both tasted like Yoo-Hoo. Now, I love me some Yoo-Hoo (especially the strawberry one) but I really wanted it to at least pretend to taste a little like coffee, not super-sweet chocolate-ish water. Plus those little fuckers were expensive so that was a bummer too. It would have cheaper to just get a truckload of Yoo-Hoo.

In the end it's probably not Cinnabon's fault this tasted kinda crappy. I think coffee is just one of those things that tastes filthy in from can, like beer, spinach, and mushrooms.

Sea Hag vs. The Boogers

2007-08-27T02:19:00.000-04:00

Well, Sea Hag fans, it looks like I might be victorious over the Phlegm Monster... for now. And during my sickness I learned a few things:

1. Double shot of codeine-laced cough syrup + 2 Tylenol PM + 2 glasses of Kahlua and milk = 4 hours of sweet, merciful sleep.

2. Humidifiers are the greatest invention known to man.

3. Soup, grapes, Oreos, hot tea and a sandwich all arranged on an awesome red school lunch tray go a long way towards making me feel better.

4. Don't share your cough medicine with codeine unless you are really, really, really sure you don't want it anymore.

5. Next time I have something this awful I will be sure to lick more people I don't like.

Drugs, drugs everywhere

2007-08-22T06:27:00.000-04:00

... and they're all IN ME.

Darling Sea Hag readers, I would like to point out that it is 6:31 a.m. and my happy ass is still awake. Now, I'm notorious for having pretty bad insomnia, but I haven't slept but about 4 hours in the last 50. OK, I've been known to stay up even later than that on occasion (all the time) but I am currently battling some stupid-shit bronchial infection so I need to sleep VERY BADLY. So, naturally, I can't.

Yay for drugs! I noticed that after I took this picture I was inadvertently giving a thumbs-up to Michael's DJ gear as well, but in the end I decided that I was killing two rad birds with one stone. Or thumb. Whatever.

Let me give you a little slice of history how this all came to be. When I woke up on the morning (well, afternoon) of my birthday, I had a sore throat, so that was just a big, sweet steaming pile of motherfuck. But let me state for the record that not only was Friday my birthday AND I was sick, I didn't call in to work (you can send Martyr Dollars to Sea Hag, P.O. Box 369, Walla Walla, Washington, 90028). But what started out as a sore throat turned into a raging phlegm monster that finally made me to go to the doctor yesterday.

So while at the doctor's office, after forgetting about me for an hour, they had me smoke some peace pipe thing and then they gave me a shot of sting-y medicine in my ass. They also gave me prescriptions for three other medications to take at home.

Let me just state for the record that out of the five medications I ingested today ON TOP OF the gallons of hot tea, orange juice, Tylenol, and Robitussin I took, not one damn thing has worked at all. I'm still coughing about every 45 seconds, which I'm sure would be keeping Michael up if he hadn't been up all last night with me watching 'Buck Rogers in the 25th Century'.

The cough medicine I'm taking has codeine in it, which had previously been a good friend of mine but is totally disappointing me. It should at least be making me drowsy if not making me think I can walk through walls and hear dead people. I think the problem is that the other two medications I'm on are some kind of steroids since I can't take NSAIDs, and both of them have promised to give me a jittery meth-like jolt according to their patient information cards, so I'm pretty much totally dicked (and not in the good way... although, if they keep me on steroids I might be able to dick myself soon). But at this point I'm so desperate for sleep that I popped two Tylenol PM (on top of the Rozerem I took 5 hours ago), adverse drug interactions be damned.

So please, down-stairs neighbors, if you hear a loud thud in about an hour, call 911. I'll try not to soil myself if I have a stroke.

Douchebag pleads guilty

2007-08-21T01:11:00.000-04:00

So, Michael Vick decided to plead guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges earlier today, and so the question now is what will become of his career? I was reading this article on Yahoo! News and saw this quote in it from Green Bay general manager Ron Wolf:

"If he [Vick] pays his debt to society, why shouldn't he get another chance?" asked Wolf. "Maybe I don't understand something in all of this, but you're supposed to get a second chance in this country."

In a perfect world with unicorns and candy rainbows and elves who make cookies in hollow trees, yeah, the dude should be given a second chance. But in reality? I don't see it happening. First, the 'second chance' this guy is talking about is the chance for ex-cons to come out of prison and go be productive members in society, not return to star positions on a professional football team and make millions of dollars.

But what about all the other guys in the NFL who are ex-cons? They all got a second chance! Wolf goes on to say:

We've had a lot of people in this league do a lot of bad things, and they still got a chance," Wolf said. "Leonard Little killed someone (while drunk driving). Jamal Lewis went to prison (in connection to) selling drugs. Are you telling me that killing eight dogs is worse than killing a human being? … Yes, this is bad, but are you really telling me that he doesn't deserve a chance to play again when other people have committed crimes and come back?"

Ah, but what did the two examples that he mentioned have in common? That's right, drugs and alcohol. We are a society that is willing to forgive anyone after they stand up and say "I have a problem with drugs" or I have a problem with alcohol" or "I have a problem with Internet porn" or whatever. We cut addicts a lot of slack because in our society we understand that to have an addiction is to have an incurable disease, and even if they fake like they have a problem we still tend to go along with it. You can be addicted to gambling, but I don't think anyone would buy that you were addicted to slaughtering dogs and being a total douchebag.

But I think the biggest reason that Vick will probably never make a comeback is that we are a society of dog lovers. Just turn on Animal Planet for a day and you can tell by the number of times they play shows about animal cops or vets. We have entire stores dedicated to the upkeep and pampering of dogs. We might be a society that forgives someone with a substance abuse problem, but I doubt anyone will forgive Vick for the wholesale torture and killing of dogs. And people who can't forgive are people who won't buy tickets. And if you can't get people to buy tickets to a football game, you can't expect that any team is going to want to hire you after you're done paying your debt to society.

Go Sea Hag, it's your birthday!

2007-08-17T03:21:00.001-04:00

Yes, people... it's my birthday. And you, too, should party like it's my birthday.

I'm the big 2-9 this year, which means that I have exactly ONE year to pull all the stupid shit that you just can't get away with in your 30s. Yes, I know your 30s are the new 20s (whatever the fuck that means) but have you ever seen a 36-year-old woman coming out of Forever 21 in the mall wearing a tight little tank top that is short enough to see her navel piercing? And didn't you just roll your eyes a little? Now do you know what I mean?

Anyway, this is the year to get another tattoo and another piercing. This is the year I blow a lot of money on shit I don't need and not give a damn about my credit score. This is the year to take a bunch of stupid road trips for no other reason than to see the World's Biggest Paper Bag. This is the year I paint my fingernails black all the time and possibly dye my hair a stupid color. This is the year to drink too much and eat lots of candy and not get enough sleep. This is the last year I will wonder if I should just quit my job and go backpacking around Europe to 'find myself'. This is the year that I blow off work as much as possible to go to concerts, because Flying Spaghetti Monster knows that next year I will probably worry about damaging my hearing. Next year I will probably become one of those tools who wears earplugs to a show.

I know some of you who are older than I am are already having a good chuckle about my impending sense of doom about my 30s, but let me just say this: I have become one of those people who always has a pullover or jacket in my car just in case it gets chilly. Even at the height of a Georgia summer when it's 104 degrees outside, I have a hoodie in my car because I get cold in movie theaters and restaurants sometimes. I have become my great-grandmother and I'm still in my 20s.

I need some beer.

Mmm... sacrelicious (or, WWJTL?)

2007-08-13T23:56:00.002-04:00

In my previous entry about how I'm a whore for candy and if I ruled the world there would be Christmas-themed Skittles, darling reader Dragon wondered just what would a Jesus Skittle taste like?

If Jesus tasted like a sandwich, he'd definitely have three kinds of cheese and bacon and lots of spicy brown mustard.

My initial thought was that Jesus would taste like cinnamon rolls hot from the oven. I have absolutely no idea why I thought that. But if the Son of God had a flavor, would there be anything better than hot, fresh, ooey-gooey cinnamon rolls?

Or maybe I thought that because of the strong connection Jesus has to baked goods. He did claim that he was the bread of life (John 6:35) and he multiplied loaves of bread to feed 5000 people (John 6:11-12). There's also his strong predilection to appear to people on bready items such as tortillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. So maybe Jesus would taste like a nice loaf of sourdough.

Jesus' association to bread is also symbolic one, as bread is a staple of many diets, so then should Jesus be as important in your daily existence (or so Christians would believe.) But then, bread being central to a diet is a cultural thing too. There are many people in the world who don't consume bread daily, but consider other types of food as being the basis of their meals. If you consider this, then in Asia Jesus could taste like a bowl of rice, or in Central Africa, could taste like fufu.

Going back to John 6:11-12, Jesus might have created the first Filet-O-Fish by handing out fish as well as bread to the hungry. There is also a strong Jesus - fish connection in Christianity, as Jesus is sometimes referred to as a fisherman or a 'fisher of men' (Matthew 4:18-20). Even if you've never heard of John 6:11-12 or the fisherman allusion, you've no doubt seen those metal Jesus fish things (also known as an ichthys) on people's cars. So maybe Jesus would taste like a nice, cool piece of salmon sashimi or a can of Chicken of the Sea (dolphin safe, of course).

Of course, one religion's main purposes is to provide solace to people (or as Karl Marx said, be the opium of the people) so that people who do have faith might think that Jesus could taste like their favorite comfort food: macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken noodle soup, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Cap'n Crunch, grandma's meat loa f, whatever. Since Jesus is also responsible for most of our major holidays, you might associate his potential flavor with a delicious spiral-cut Honeybaked Ham, Marshmallow Peeps , hollow chocolate bunnies, fruitcake, candy canes and sugar cookies. The flip side to all of that would be the people who have been victimized by organized religion, who could think that Jesus would taste like tears, dust, blood, bitterness, or pimento cheese (one of the most disgusting food items known to man).

Fuckin' rad lolcat illustration by Michael, who thinks that Jesus would taste like a nice pinot noir.

There's always the literal answer to What Would Jesus Taste Like, of course. Having never taken a bite of Our Saviour (or any other person), I would have to guess that Jesus could taste like chicken, though honestly I think that humans would taste more like pork chops. If you believe in transubstantiation and communion rites, then you might think that Jesus literally tastes like communion wafers and wine.

In the end, I guess What Would Jesus Taste Like would come down to your personal experiences, much like religion itself. So what do you think Jesus would taste like? Would he be delicious? Sweet? Savory? Nougat-filled? Covered with rainbow sprinkles? Leave some comments!

From the diaries of Dr. Sea Hag, Archaeologist:

2007-08-12T02:15:00.001-04:00

10 August 2007

I was conducting an archaeological dig of the refrigerator section of the Kitchen last night when I came across an unknown substance lurking on the bottom shelf. Indeed, I was intrigued by the multi-globed, vivid green mass that was contained in a clear, plastic-like container. After careful examination, I discovered that there was a word printed on the 'bag', identifying its contents as GRAPES.

We may never uncover the great mystery that is the GRAPE.

What are these GRAPES? In my many years of studies I have come across - yes, and lustily consumed - several foodstuffs that had been categorized as being "grape-flavoured", but these round, luscious clusters in no way resembled the violet-hued candies and syrups I have known previously from various Skittles bags and grape-creme slushies from Sonic... the GRAPES were secured in a "crisper drawer" for safe keeping until I could research this marvelous find.

11 August 2007

Spent an exhausting day studying the great GRAPE find from yesterday. I came across an ancient text in the early hours of the morning that has helped us understand this unusual object:

A grape is a fruit that grows on the vines of the family Viteace. Grapes grow in clusters of 6 to 300, and can be black, blue, golden, green, purple, red, pink, brown, peach or white. They can be eaten raw or used for making jam, grape juice, jelly, wine, and grape seed oil.

FRUIT! I had heard about these once, many years ago during my studies at Choate. My sophomore roommate, a Miss Nora Whytten-Bosworth, claimed that her svelte figure could be attributed to her enthusiastic consumption of these 'fruits' as well as multiple plates of something she called 'salad'. I had previously believed these terms were coded jargon that she employed to cover the unsavory extra-curricular activities she conducted on her knees or during the mornings when she woke up in a puddle of her own sick in the water closet.

12 August 2007

After much deliberation with the faculty of the university, I have ordered a few of my students to consume a GRAPE while I observed them. All of them seemed to have a most unfavourable reaction to this news, leading me to believe that the GRAPES were most unsatisfactory to the taste buds and, in fact, caused the consumer a great deal of outward hostility and uncontrollable vulgar language. Such comments I observed were:

What an idiot
What a fucking idiot
What a motherfucking idiot
I am too hung over for this shit right now
This class is such a waste of time

My exploration of the GRAPE is just beginning! This is an exciting time for me.

I'm a candy whore

2007-08-11T02:46:00.000-04:00

So, I'm a total whore for candy and on the suggestion of Diablo Cody I wanted to try the new Carnival Skittles. I got to try a few when I went with most of the Hyperion Nation to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and since then I have craved more. I finally found a Kroger that was selling them and bought myself a giant-ass bag.

Limited Edition Carnival Skittles = nom nom nom.

Last night I was munching on my Carnival Skittles and telling Noochie how much I was digging on the red licorice flavored ones. See, if there is one candy I would totally abandon all vestiges of dignity for, it'd be Twizzlers, so I was totally happy that the good people at the Skittles company made a Skittle that tasted so much like Twizzlers. Noochie ignored my near-orgasmic ramblings about Twizzler Skittles, but was intrigued by the fact that Skittles decided to make a bag of candy based on a theme instead of a collection of flavors (like Sour Skittles, Smoothie Skittles, Wild Berry Skittles, etc.), Noochie and I wondered what theme they might come up with next:

Baseball Skittles: beer, nacho cheese, popcorn, Cracker Jack, hot dogs, peanuts. (They could also market Baseball Skittles to Cubs fans with an additional flavor called bitter disappointment. Ooooh burn!)

Crack Whore Skittles: crack rock, sperm, Dumpster juice, motel tap water, desperation.

Carnivàle Skittles: dust, bearded woman, lobster gal, Knights Templar, evil (which would taste like green peppers), good (which would taste like chocolate Twizzlers).

Christmas Skittles: Christmas tree, sugar cookie, Jesus, spiked egg nog, new socks, credit card bills, bitter disappointment (again).

Hippie Skittles: hemp, dreadlocks, organic arugula, patchouli, tofu.

We should work for the Skittles company, clearly.

To the person who stole Michael's car:

2007-08-10T23:49:00.000-04:00

First of all, we found his car today, so fuck you very much. Second of all, if I see anyone even looking at his car funny I will cut you because I am not afraid to go back to jail. So you'd better pray that I never find you.

Look at this pitiful little face! How could you do this to him, you heartless beast?

Also, next time you need to get back to your crack house in Lilburn just ask for a ride, asshole.

Best. Picture. Ever.

2007-08-07T03:07:00.001-04:00

International ______ Day!

2007-08-04T23:49:00.000-04:00

I'm involved with International ______ Day this month, and I got to pick today's theme! Go read it and love me! LOVE!!!!