Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I still have issues

In glancing at my blog entry from a few days ago (yeah, all those site hits? Like 1900 of them are mine), I realized that my list of Food Network People I'd Bang wouldn't be any good without a list of people from Food Network I wouldn't sleep with to serve as a basis for comparison. So here it is:

Food Network People I Wouldn't Bang With a Loaner Pussy

5. Giada De Laurentiis

Or, as I call her, Lollipop Head. Actually, she's not that bad, her recipes have been pretty decent and her show is pretty good, but what put her on the list is that she is one of those people who has had a charmed life and you just want to punch her in her big planetoid head. Oh, you're the granddaughter of a big movie producer and you grew up in a rich family! Oh, your family wanted you to be an actress but you turned it down to go to culinary school in Paris! Now you work on TV and get to travel the world and rub it in everyone's face on 'Giada's Weekend Getaways'! Oh, and you turned out to be pretty on top of all that! Actually, she might be good for a grudge-fuck, come to think of it.

4. Duff Goldman

Just because his chin looks like it got a Brazilian wax and his show is just a 30-minute long commercial for his bakery. I would, however, totally get it on with the redheaded secretary.

3. Sandra Lee

Besides her unhealthy obsession with canned cake frosting and vodka-based mixed drinks, this woman is the poster child for meth. Seriously, she doesn't blink! And every show she does her outfit matches the set. Every. Little. Detail. Matches. Her earrings, the napkin holders, everything! I mean, who has time to go out and buy all this shit and obsess over every tiny thing? Someone smoking meth, that's who! If she's not on crank, I think she's the undead.

2. Gail Gand

Oh, there's nothing much wrong with her in the looks department, and I'm not entirely sure why I think this, but she just seems be someone who is really kinda clingy and needy. Like someone who would call you seven times and send you thirteen e-mails the day after you slept with her. Also, her show is boring and her recipes are too tedious and difficult. Sorry, I don't have 3 hours to make decorative sugar floss for the chocolate cake that took me 2 days to bake. I'm all about the Betty Crocker, baby, and that's why our love could never work. It's not you... it's me.

1. Michael Chiarello

If you looked up 'douchebag' in the dictionary, you'd come up with this guy. Seriously, he's such an asshole that on New Year's Eve Ryan Adams blogged about how stuck-up he was. He's one of those guys who owns a winery and acts as though you're the biggest piece of crap ever if you aren't currently investing all of your time and money into growing your own vintage in your backyard. The show is basically him making fussy, yuppie food for endless dinner parties. I'm sorry, but I've never been to someone's house for a 'dinner party' before. I'm not going to force a friend of mine to cook for a group of picky-ass eaters and then get stuck with a pile of dishes and crappy leftovers that no one wants. No, we go out to eat at a crappy chain restaurant like Applebee's, damn it! We willingly pay $12 for pasta that is one step up from Top Ramen because we're Americans and that's how we roll! He also did a show where he cooked for a bunch of kids and he made some crazy-ass lasagna and grilled chicken things. The kids all looked like they were about to cry. I don't have kids but I know enough that no kid wants to try any new food ever. Just make hot dogs and fries, man! Michael Chiarello, you can take your Fennel Spice Chips and your heirloom tomatoes and cram them your up your Pilates-sculpted butt.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I have issues

My name is Sea Hag, and I have an addiction.

It's hard for me to talk about this, you know, but understanding I have a problem is the first step towards recovery, and I am so ready to get on the road to independence from this crippling disease.

My addiction has robbed me of time with my family and loved ones. My addiction has caused me to ignore my household duties. My addiction is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep at night.

My name is Sea Hag, and I am addicted to Food Network.

I love Food Network. LOVE it. When I wake up in the morning on my days off, I turn on the TV and, oh look, there's Paula Deen making pork chops! It's like she's saying "Good morning! Let's start the day off right with some grease and butter!" And yes, it is a glorious morning when I can wake up to some soft-core food porn on 'Everyday Italian' or roll my eyes at the lameness of 'Iron Chef America'. And when I go to bed at night, I leave the TV on so that Alton Brown can nerd me off to sleep.

Because I spend so much of my conscious day watching Food Network, I tend to think about it non-stop, and I have taken an unhealthy interest in who is hot on Food Network. So after thousands of hours viewing, I have come up with the list of...

Food Network People I'd Bang:

Honorable Mention: Jamie Oliver

He'd rank higher if I'd seen him around lately and if he didn't spit when he talked. But that dry English charm is delectable. I had a friend who had a Jamie Oliver crotch-shot poster and it was so rad.

5. Rachael Ray

You either love her or you hate her. Honestly, she's about right where Emeril Lagasse was five years ago as far as Celebrity Exposure Overload goes (Emeril had a sitcom once, for God's sake!) and she's perky to the point of nausea sometimes, but she's just so damn cute I can't help but like her... and that ass! Her ass is so bodacious, sweet Jesus. I get all moisty every time I see her in the Dunkin Donuts commercials, because I imagine her eating strawberry-frosted pastry and getting even more curvy and juicy.

4. Jamie and Bobby Deen

Oh, to be the warm, pink meat in a Deen Brothers sandwich. By the way, I've actually met Jamie Deen in person and he was so, so hot. He's got beautiful blue eyes. And in my one shining moment to be able to impress him and become Paula Deen's daughter-in-law, I said "Hi. Heh. Um....hehmmmhuh." Next time, I'll just take off my shirt and let my boobs do the talking.

3. Nigella Lawson

She's beautiful and decadent and naughty and has that kick-ass, sultry accent. She has a recipe for boiled eggs on where she mentions prostitutes. If you've ever seen her eat a roast chicken with her fingers you'd think that you were watching free porn. It would be a considered a crime against humanity if I didn't include her on a list that had to do with sex. I'd sit on her face any time.

2. Tyler Florence

He's Food Network's pretty boy, and even though he's put on like 15 pounds in the last few years, he's still totally fuckable. I really liked him in 'Food 911' and in 'Tyler's Ultimate' and I've made a few of his recipes that have been really good. But what kept him out of the top spot that he's a shameless corporate shill for Applebee's. I'm not saying that it's bad to be a whore for a restaurant or product, but Applebee's? Blah! They are to wacky-farm-implements-on-the-wall chains what Arby's is to fast-food restaurants. Chili's is much better. Hell, Outback Steakhouse is better! Major points were lost for lack of taste.

1. George Duran

In an unprecedented upset over favorite Tyler Florence, George Duran comes in first as Food Network Person I'd Most Love To Bang. He used to have a show called 'Ham on the Street' that was pretty damn funny, and he's got the little chubby-cheek Latino thing going that I just love. The first time I saw him I said "he will be mine - oh yes, he will be mine." I just want to put a little saddle on him and ride him all around. Mmmm mmm.