Monday, August 25, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 4

OK, seriously this is the best place in the whole world. This is a little chocolate shop in St. Maarten owned by a diminutive Belgian woman named Beatrix, which is an awesome name. She makes all the candy in-shop. I can't explain to you how unbelievable this place smells. She needs to charge admission just to get a whiff. But not only does she let you come in the store for free, she feeds you candy. Free candy. FREE AWESOME CANDY.

She let me have a piece of what she called 'her version of fudge'. In spite of the fact that I'm a raging sugar slut, fudge just doesn't really do it for me. It's gritty and it's so sweet that you can't even taste the chocolate. But not this fudge. It was so incredibly good and smooth and creamy. And free! I stood around for a long time, looking over all the chocolates in the store and chatting with Beatrix, secretly hoping that she would just adopt me so I could live in this Chocolate Nirvana forever. I would totally be her indentured servant. She probably thought I was a moron, but she gave me some more candy so I didn't care. I bought two huge boxes of chocolate to take back. There are all kinds of amazing fillings for these things, in milk, dark, and white chocolates. Also! She makes chocolate boobies and penises. Hee hee!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Where is Sea Hag?

I know I've been slack about posting here lately, but I started partying for my 30th early and I've just sobered up enough to post this. After I finish cleaning up the barf and paying off the strippers I will tell you all about it. And I want to give everyone my unending love for all the happy birthday wishes. You guys rock!

What will this upcoming year of Sea Hag Eats It bring?

  • Finishing Candy-cation!
  • Reviewing new candy
  • Start a new section called Suck It, Candy!
  • Cook with candy
  • Do a Candy Detox
  • Continuing Operation: Af-Candy-Stan
  • And this:

Monday, August 04, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 3

I saw this baby and, because of the dark packaging, assumed that it was a dark chocolate version of a Mars bar. Hooray! And when was the last time I had a Mars bar, anyway? I couldn't even remember. So I bought it and was happy as a biscuit at the prospect of yumming it down.

When I opened it I saw that it wasn't dark chocolate but regular old milk chocolate. That was OK though, because the bar was actually two smaller bars, but together they were bigger than a U.S. Mars bar. Bonus candy! Yet another example of the candy superiority of Europe! Then I took a bite... and it tasted like a Milky Way bar! Where the hell were the almonds? Was it possible that I got the Mars bar confused with another candy? If so, what candy bar was I think of? How could I have possibly gotten confused? Candy's like the only thing I know about! Was this the sign of The Apocalypse? Was the end nigh? Some people claimed that there was candy to blame... but I know it was, somehow, my own damn fault. I spent the rest of my day in a rum-soaked stupor, wondering what the name of that almond candy bar was called.

I saw my dad later that day and he was eating a Mars bar in it's deceptive, evil black packaging. "Hey Dad, what was the name of that candy bar that was like a Snickers but it had almonds instead?"

He frowned around his mouthful of nougat and chocolate. "You know, I could have sworn it was a Mars bar but this one doesn't have the almonds."

"So did I!"

"I've actually been wondering all day what this one tastes like."

"It tastes like a Milky Way."

"Yeah! So what was the one with the almonds?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not going crazy."

"Me, too."

Then we hugged and I figured that if I had just caused the end of the world I was glad to have had this bonding time with my dad. Later that day I got on the internet and did a little research. Know why I haven't had a Mars bar in a long time? They don't make them in the States anymore. It's called a Snickers with Almonds now. And you know what the call Milky Ways in Europe? Yeah. A Mars bar. Thanks a lot, you butt stains from Mars, Incorporated, you almost drove my family insane.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 2

What's so great about St. Maarten (besides the nude beaches and the fact that rum is literally cheaper than bottled water) is that they import all of the good candy from Europe. I know you can get things like Ritter Sport candy and Nestles products in the U.S., and I know I'm going to sound like a completely unoriginal candy snob, but it's all totally different than what's available in Europe. Take, for example, Cadbury candy. You might only be familiar with the Creme Eggs, but they actually make a buttload of other stuff that is much more delicious (Cadbury Bunny forgive me for saying so). The chocolate they use for the European stuff is richer, creamier and not as sweet as its American counterparts.

I love this guy.

I've already had most of the Cadbury offerings on previous trips so I decided to try the Cadbury Picnic Bar. There were actually two different Cadbury bars at the Shell station that I hadn't tried, so it was a toss-up between the Picnic Bar and the Crunchie Bar. I'm glad I went with the Picnic Bar because it turns out that the Crunchie Bar is the twin of the Violet Crumble. Ewww! I barely avoided catastrophe there. (Since I've finished the Candy Ramadan celebration I no longer have to seek out new candies to obtain nougat-like spiritual fulfillment, but after a month of doing so it's become a hard habit to break. I didn't even realize I was purposely avoiding candy I'd already tried until the end of my vacation. Oh well.)

Anyway, the Picnic Bar. It's a chocolate bar with peanuts and raisins and caramel and puffed rice. Totally delicious. It does look like a big turd, though, especially with all the peanuts in it, but I guess all chocolate bars kinda do (kinda doo?) Also I've been spelling 'Picnic' as 'Picinic' and was wondering why the spellcheck was freaking out. Apparently I was taught to spell by Yogi Bear.