Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Cinnabon canned coffee = meh

When I saw the 4-can bricks of Cinnabon premium coffee drink at the Super H Mart, I just about pooped myself. I mean, does everything that Cinnabon makes taste awesome? And am I a total slut for coffee? I think we all know the answers to those questions. So I bought the Caramel Nut Latte and the Cinnamon Vanilla Latte flavors and went home to have my taste buds be awash in Cinnabon coffee goodness.

I think I might have set my expectations too high for this drink, because I thought they both tasted like Yoo-Hoo. Now, I love me some Yoo-Hoo (especially the strawberry one) but I really wanted it to at least pretend to taste a little like coffee, not super-sweet chocolate-ish water. Plus those little fuckers were expensive so that was a bummer too. It would have cheaper to just get a truckload of Yoo-Hoo.

In the end it's probably not Cinnabon's fault this tasted kinda crappy. I think coffee is just one of those things that tastes filthy in from can, like beer, spinach, and mushrooms.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Sea Hag vs. The Boogers

Well, Sea Hag fans, it looks like I might be victorious over the Phlegm Monster... for now. And during my sickness I learned a few things:

1. Double shot of codeine-laced cough syrup + 2 Tylenol PM + 2 glasses of Kahlua and milk = 4 hours of sweet, merciful sleep.

2. Humidifiers are the greatest invention known to man.

3. Soup, grapes, Oreos, hot tea and a sandwich all arranged on an awesome red school lunch tray go a long way towards making me feel better.

4. Don't share your cough medicine with codeine unless you are really, really, really sure you don't want it anymore.

5. Next time I have something this awful I will be sure to lick more people I don't like.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Drugs, drugs everywhere

... and they're all IN ME.

Darling Sea Hag readers, I would like to point out that it is 6:31 a.m. and my happy ass is still awake. Now, I'm notorious for having pretty bad insomnia, but I haven't slept but about 4 hours in the last 50. OK, I've been known to stay up even later than that on occasion (all the time) but I am currently battling some stupid-shit bronchial infection so I need to sleep VERY BADLY. So, naturally, I can't.

Yay for drugs! I noticed that after I took this picture I was inadvertently giving a thumbs-up to Michael's DJ gear as well, but in the end I decided that I was killing two rad birds with one stone. Or thumb. Whatever.

Let me give you a little slice of history how this all came to be. When I woke up on the morning (well, afternoon) of my birthday, I had a sore throat, so that was just a big, sweet steaming pile of motherfuck. But let me state for the record that not only was Friday my birthday AND I was sick, I didn't call in to work (you can send Martyr Dollars to Sea Hag, P.O. Box 369, Walla Walla, Washington, 90028). But what started out as a sore throat turned into a raging phlegm monster that finally made me to go to the doctor yesterday.

So while at the doctor's office, after forgetting about me for an hour, they had me smoke some peace pipe thing and then they gave me a shot of sting-y medicine in my ass. They also gave me prescriptions for three other medications to take at home.

Let me just state for the record that out of the five medications I ingested today ON TOP OF the gallons of hot tea, orange juice, Tylenol, and Robitussin I took, not one damn thing has worked at all. I'm still coughing about every 45 seconds, which I'm sure would be keeping Michael up if he hadn't been up all last night with me watching 'Buck Rogers in the 25th Century'.

The cough medicine I'm taking has codeine in it, which had previously been a good friend of mine but is totally disappointing me. It should at least be making me drowsy if not making me think I can walk through walls and hear dead people. I think the problem is that the other two medications I'm on are some kind of steroids since I can't take NSAIDs, and both of them have promised to give me a jittery meth-like jolt according to their patient information cards, so I'm pretty much totally dicked (and not in the good way... although, if they keep me on steroids I might be able to dick myself soon). But at this point I'm so desperate for sleep that I popped two Tylenol PM (on top of the Rozerem I took 5 hours ago), adverse drug interactions be damned.

So please, down-stairs neighbors, if you hear a loud thud in about an hour, call 911. I'll try not to soil myself if I have a stroke.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Douchebag pleads guilty

So, Michael Vick decided to plead guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges earlier today, and so the question now is what will become of his career? I was reading this article on Yahoo! News and saw this quote in it from Green Bay general manager Ron Wolf:

"If he [Vick] pays his debt to society, why shouldn't he get another chance?" asked Wolf. "Maybe I don't understand something in all of this, but you're supposed to get a second chance in this country."

In a perfect world with unicorns and candy rainbows and elves who make cookies in hollow trees, yeah, the dude should be given a second chance. But in reality? I don't see it happening. First, the 'second chance' this guy is talking about is the chance for ex-cons to come out of prison and go be productive members in society, not return to star positions on a professional football team and make millions of dollars.

But what about all the other guys in the NFL who are ex-cons? They all got a second chance! Wolf goes on to say:

We've had a lot of people in this league do a lot of bad things, and they still got a chance," Wolf said. "Leonard Little killed someone (while drunk driving). Jamal Lewis went to prison (in connection to) selling drugs. Are you telling me that killing eight dogs is worse than killing a human being? … Yes, this is bad, but are you really telling me that he doesn't deserve a chance to play again when other people have committed crimes and come back?"
Ah, but what did the two examples that he mentioned have in common? That's right, drugs and alcohol. We are a society that is willing to forgive anyone after they stand up and say "I have a problem with drugs" or I have a problem with alcohol" or "I have a problem with Internet porn" or whatever. We cut addicts a lot of slack because in our society we understand that to have an addiction is to have an incurable disease, and even if they fake like they have a problem we still tend to go along with it. You can be addicted to gambling, but I don't think anyone would buy that you were addicted to slaughtering dogs and being a total douchebag.

But I think the biggest reason that Vick will probably never make a comeback is that we are a society of dog lovers. Just turn on Animal Planet for a day and you can tell by the number of times they play shows about animal cops or vets. We have entire stores dedicated to the upkeep and pampering of dogs. We might be a society that forgives someone with a substance abuse problem, but I doubt anyone will forgive Vick for the wholesale torture and killing of dogs. And people who can't forgive are people who won't buy tickets. And if you can't get people to buy tickets to a football game, you can't expect that any team is going to want to hire you after you're done paying your debt to society.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Go Sea Hag, it's your birthday!

Yes, people... it's my birthday. And you, too, should party like it's my birthday.

I'm the big 2-9 this year, which means that I have exactly ONE year to pull all the stupid shit that you just can't get away with in your 30s. Yes, I know your 30s are the new 20s (whatever the fuck that means) but have you ever seen a 36-year-old woman coming out of Forever 21 in the mall wearing a tight little tank top that is short enough to see her navel piercing? And didn't you just roll your eyes a little? Now do you know what I mean?

Anyway, this is the year to get another tattoo and another piercing. This is the year I blow a lot of money on shit I don't need and not give a damn about my credit score. This is the year to take a bunch of stupid road trips for no other reason than to see the World's Biggest Paper Bag. This is the year I paint my fingernails black all the time and possibly dye my hair a stupid color. This is the year to drink too much and eat lots of candy and not get enough sleep. This is the last year I will wonder if I should just quit my job and go backpacking around Europe to 'find myself'. This is the year that I blow off work as much as possible to go to concerts, because Flying Spaghetti Monster knows that next year I will probably worry about damaging my hearing. Next year I will probably become one of those tools who wears earplugs to a show.

I know some of you who are older than I am are already having a good chuckle about my impending sense of doom about my 30s, but let me just say this: I have become one of those people who always has a pullover or jacket in my car just in case it gets chilly. Even at the height of a Georgia summer when it's 104 degrees outside, I have a hoodie in my car because I get cold in movie theaters and restaurants sometimes. I have become my great-grandmother and I'm still in my 20s.

I need some beer.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Mmm... sacrelicious (or, WWJTL?)

In my previous entry about how I'm a whore for candy and if I ruled the world there would be Christmas-themed Skittles, darling reader Dragon wondered just what would a Jesus Skittle taste like?

If Jesus tasted like a sandwich, he'd definitely have three kinds of cheese and bacon and lots of spicy brown mustard.

My initial thought was that Jesus would taste like cinnamon rolls hot from the oven. I have absolutely no idea why I thought that. But if the Son of God had a flavor, would there be anything better than hot, fresh, ooey-gooey cinnamon rolls?

Or maybe I thought that because of the strong connection Jesus has to baked goods. He did claim that he was the bread of life (John 6:35) and he multiplied loaves of bread to feed 5000 people (John 6:11-12). There's also his strong predilection to appear to people on bready items such as tortillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. So maybe Jesus would taste like a nice loaf of sourdough.

Jesus' association to bread is also symbolic one, as bread is a staple of many diets, so then should Jesus be as important in your daily existence (or so Christians would believe.) But then, bread being central to a diet is a cultural thing too. There are many people in the world who don't consume bread daily, but consider other types of food as being the basis of their meals. If you consider this, then in Asia Jesus could taste like a bowl of rice, or in Central Africa, could taste like fufu.

Going back to John 6:11-12, Jesus might have created the first Filet-O-Fish by handing out fish as well as bread to the hungry. There is also a strong Jesus - fish connection in Christianity, as Jesus is sometimes referred to as a fisherman or a 'fisher of men' (Matthew 4:18-20). Even if you've never heard of John 6:11-12 or the fisherman allusion, you've no doubt seen those metal Jesus fish things (also known as an ichthys) on people's cars. So maybe Jesus would taste like a nice, cool piece of salmon sashimi or a can of Chicken of the Sea (dolphin safe, of course).

Of course, one religion's main purposes is to provide solace to people (or as Karl Marx said, be the opium of the people) so that people who do have faith might think that Jesus could taste like their favorite comfort food: macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken noodle soup, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Cap'n Crunch, grandma's meat loa f, whatever. Since Jesus is also responsible for most of our major holidays, you might associate his potential flavor with a delicious spiral-cut Honeybaked Ham, Marshmallow Peeps , hollow chocolate bunnies, fruitcake, candy canes and sugar cookies. The flip side to all of that would be the people who have been victimized by organized religion, who could think that Jesus would taste like tears, dust, blood, bitterness, or pimento cheese (one of the most disgusting food items known to man).

Fuckin' rad lolcat illustration by Michael, who thinks that Jesus would taste like a nice pinot noir.

There's always the literal answer to What Would Jesus Taste Like, of course. Having never taken a bite of Our Saviour (or any other person), I would have to guess that Jesus could taste like chicken, though honestly I think that humans would taste more like pork chops. If you believe in transubstantiation and communion rites, then you might think that Jesus literally tastes like communion wafers and wine.

In the end, I guess What Would Jesus Taste Like would come down to your personal experiences, much like religion itself. So what do you think Jesus would taste like? Would he be delicious? Sweet? Savory? Nougat-filled? Covered with rainbow sprinkles? Leave some comments!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

From the diaries of Dr. Sea Hag, Archaeologist:

10 August 2007

I was conducting an archaeological dig of the refrigerator section of the Kitchen last night when I came across an unknown substance lurking on the bottom shelf. Indeed, I was intrigued by the multi-globed, vivid green mass that was contained in a clear, plastic-like container. After careful examination, I discovered that there was a word printed on the 'bag', identifying its contents as GRAPES.

We may never uncover the great mystery that is the GRAPE.

What are these GRAPES? In my many years of studies I have come across - yes, and lustily consumed - several foodstuffs that had been categorized as being "grape-flavoured", but these round, luscious clusters in no way resembled the violet-hued candies and syrups I have known previously from various Skittles bags and grape-creme slushies from Sonic... the GRAPES were secured in a "crisper drawer" for safe keeping until I could research this marvelous find.

11 August 2007

Spent an exhausting day studying the great GRAPE find from yesterday. I came across an ancient text in the early hours of the morning that has helped us understand this unusual object:

A grape is a fruit that grows on the vines of the family Viteace. Grapes grow in clusters of 6 to 300, and can be black, blue, golden, green, purple, red, pink, brown, peach or white. They can be eaten raw or used for making jam, grape juice, jelly, wine, and grape seed oil.

FRUIT! I had heard about these once, many years ago during my studies at Choate. My sophomore roommate, a Miss Nora Whytten-Bosworth, claimed that her svelte figure could be attributed to her enthusiastic consumption of these 'fruits' as well as multiple plates of something she called 'salad'. I had previously believed these terms were coded jargon that she employed to cover the unsavory extra-curricular activities she conducted on her knees or during the mornings when she woke up in a puddle of her own sick in the water closet.

12 August 2007

After much deliberation with the faculty of the university, I have ordered a few of my students to consume a GRAPE while I observed them. All of them seemed to have a most unfavourable reaction to this news, leading me to believe that the GRAPES were most unsatisfactory to the taste buds and, in fact, caused the consumer a great deal of outward hostility and uncontrollable vulgar language. Such comments I observed were:

  • What an idiot
  • What a fucking idiot
  • What a motherfucking idiot
  • I am too hung over for this shit right now
  • This class is such a waste of time

My exploration of the GRAPE is just beginning! This is an exciting time for me.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

I'm a candy whore

So, I'm a total whore for candy and on the suggestion of Diablo Cody I wanted to try the new Carnival Skittles. I got to try a few when I went with most of the Hyperion Nation to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and since then I have craved more. I finally found a Kroger that was selling them and bought myself a giant-ass bag.

Limited Edition Carnival Skittles = nom nom nom.

Last night I was munching on my Carnival Skittles and telling Noochie how much I was digging on the red licorice flavored ones. See, if there is one candy I would totally abandon all vestiges of dignity for, it'd be Twizzlers, so I was totally happy that the good people at the Skittles company made a Skittle that tasted so much like Twizzlers. Noochie ignored my near-orgasmic ramblings about Twizzler Skittles, but was intrigued by the fact that Skittles decided to make a bag of candy based on a theme instead of a collection of flavors (like Sour Skittles, Smoothie Skittles, Wild Berry Skittles, etc.), Noochie and I wondered what theme they might come up with next:

Baseball Skittles: beer, nacho cheese, popcorn, Cracker Jack, hot dogs, peanuts. (They could also market Baseball Skittles to Cubs fans with an additional flavor called bitter disappointment. Ooooh burn!)

Crack Whore Skittles: crack rock, sperm, Dumpster juice, motel tap water, desperation.

Carnivàle Skittles: dust, bearded woman, lobster gal, Knights Templar, evil (which would taste like green peppers), good (which would taste like chocolate Twizzlers).

Christmas Skittles: Christmas tree, sugar cookie, Jesus, spiked egg nog, new socks, credit card bills, bitter disappointment (again).

Hippie Skittles: hemp, dreadlocks, organic arugula, patchouli, tofu.

We should work for the Skittles company, clearly.

Friday, August 10, 2007

To the person who stole Michael's car:

First of all, we found his car today, so fuck you very much. Second of all, if I see anyone even looking at his car funny I will cut you because I am not afraid to go back to jail. So you'd better pray that I never find you.

Look at this pitiful little face! How could you do this to him, you heartless beast?

Also, next time you need to get back to your crack house in Lilburn just ask for a ride, asshole.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Saturday, August 04, 2007

International ______ Day!

I'm involved with International ______ Day this month, and I got to pick today's theme! Go read it and love me! LOVE!!!!