Wednesday, November 12, 2008

2008: A Crab Odyssey

Mankind has long had a tradition of wandering alone into the wilderness tripping out on hunger, pain and/or fistfuls of various psychotropic substances seeking answers from the other side about the big questions in life: why are we here? Where did we come from? What is my purpose on earth? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Apparently, hermit crabs go on vision quests, too.

I have five hermit crabs: Atticus Pinch, Bret, Jemaine, Cookie Monster and Ivan. In spite of the fact that they are identified as the 'hermit' variety of crustacean, they are actually quite communal and love to sleep in a cuddle puddle in the back of their aquarium under the plant, which is where the heater is. Hermit crabs are also boring as hell, by the way. When I went to the pet store to buy them I purposely got the ones that were the biggest bastards because I wanted only apex predators. But since I got them home all they do is dig holes and sleep in them except for the five minutes a day when they wander over to the water dish and put their feelers on it, then they go to the food dish and get some Crab Chum with their little pinchy claw, then they go back to sleep. I've tried toys and baths and humidifiers and everything with these buttheads to make them more entertaining, but so far no luck.

I couldn't get them to keep still for this picture, as you can plainly see.

A few weeks ago I was cleaning their aquarium and giving them new, fresh sand and scrubbing the tiny crab turds off of the bottom of the tank (on a sidenote, where are crab's buttholes? I mean, I figure they must be inside their shells where the rest of their ass is, but if it is, how do the poops come out of there? Is there like, a shell sphincter that I don't know about?) and after everything was all nice and clean I put them all back and, like the farteaters they are, they crawled behind the plant and went to sleep.

But the next day I noticed that Jemaine was not in the pile with everyone else, but way off in the opposite corner under the little pile of driftwood. To get a better idea of the geography of the aquarium, I have included this diagram:

The crabs primarily reside in quadrant A, which is commonly referred to as 'Under The Tree'. Quadrant B is where the crabs spend the rest of their time at the water and food dishes, and it is called 'The Sponge'. Quadrant C has their salt water dish and most of their empty shells and is known as 'The Shell Graveyard' and D is 'The Sticks'. No crabs ever go there, man. I guess it's the crab-quivalent of going out my front door and deciding to walk to Mongolia. So when Jemaine was found in The Sticks, I wondered what was up.

Jemaine was at The Sticks for a week. Every so often another crab would go over and cuddle with him for a little bit, but for the most part they left him alone. I was concerned that he might be sick or maybe he had a fight with Ivan, but after a week he was back Under The Tree.

That was certainly odd, but what was even weirder was that the next day Cookie Monster was hiding over in the Shell Graveyard. Four days later he went back, and shortly thereafter Atticus Pinch managed to completely bury himself in the corner near the water dish. He's been there for three days.

Seriously, there's a crab in there somewhere.

I have documented this whole affair with my camera, and, after much whining and pouting on my part Bret finally told me that crabs must complete a ritual when they hit puberty where they smoke some crab peyote buttons and wander off by themselves to commune with the astral plane. I thought he was full of shit and threatened to use the flash on my camera some more, but he said he could prove it and gave me the diaries of Jemaine, Cookie Monster, Atticus Pinch, and Ivan while they were tripping balls. (Apparently Ivan was the lucky one and got to stay in the fourth corner Under The Tree.) Bret, being the youngest crab, isn't old enough to go on his vision quest yet.

So for the next few weeks I will be sharing with you my crabs' revelations about life, the universe and everything. It'll blow your mind, man.

EDIT: Thanks to all the readers who informed me that peyote is not smoked but is, in fact, ingested. Shine on, you crazy diamonds!

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

New President of Our Candy Nation!

Dear Barack Obama,

Please don't fuck it up.

Sea Hag

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Operation: Af-Candy-Stan = Mission accomplished!!

Well, my plan to raise money for "Operation: Af-Candy-Stan" with my voodoo dolls went over about as well as an abstinence talk in the Palin household. Oooh, too soon? OK, how about it went over about as well as Sarah Palin at a Mensa meeting. But fuck it, I wasn't going to let the troops down! They needed my love in candy form! So I took all the change I'd been saving for the last few months:

Only silver coins, people. Fuck pennies. Fuck them right in the ear. Although my least favorite coin is the nickel. I don't know why.

I managed to save up a little over $53. Then my dad contributed like 5 pounds of Twizzlers and a giant-ass box of Cheez-Its in handy snack packs. I got the rest of the loot:

This is the treat motherload.

Then I had to stuff all of it in a box. Let me tell you, it took ALL of my mad Tetris skills to do this:

I also wrote a little letter to put in the box:

Oct. 28, 2008

The story of how this box of treats came to you is a little weird: I am a huge candy freak, and a few months ago I did a project where I tried a different candy every day for thirty days. Most of the candies I tried were from other countries and many of them were absolutely awful. I had one candy that tasted like refried beans. It was totally foul. Anyway, I was telling my friends about how I felt sorry for the children in the countries where bean-flavored treats were considered tasty, and I jokingly said I was going to start the "Reese's Piece Corps" to send out delicious candy to the unfortunate. One friend asked if my imaginary non-profit would consider sending candy to troops as well, and, because it was such a good idea, "Operation: Af-Candy-stan" was born.

On behalf of all the people who supported "Operation: Af-Candy-stan" I'd like to tell you that we love you all, and that we are proud of you and appreciate everything you do. We hope you come home safe and that you come home soon.

Sea Hag, 'President' of the Reese's Piece Corps

Reese's Piece Corps members:

I took the box to the post office and it was totally heavy. I'd like to thank the rotten twat who watched me struggle to open the door without dropping the box and crushing my foot, by the way. Anyway, I do have pretty wimpy girl arms (however, my pimp hand is strong) so I figured it must be about ten pounds and I was pretty proud of that. But when they weighed it I about crapped a canary when I saw how heavy it actually was:

24 pounds of candy! How awesome is that?

So on behalf of the Reese's Peace Corps, I'd like to thank all the contributors and all the people who encouraged me to do this. I think we did a rad thing and I hope we can give these troops a little happiness.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Operation: Af-Candy-Stan is ON!

I know it's been a while since I've mentioned it, but I have been collecting money for the Reese's Piece Corps' Operation: Af-Candy-Stan throughout the summer and I will be sending a big care package by mid-October! Here's what I've got so far:

I know it looks pitiful right now, but my Dad has also contributed like 3 pounds of Twizzlers and Cheez-Its. They're being stored at his house because I can't be trusted around unguarded Twizzlers.

So, how can you help? I'm glad you asked!

Do you despise Sarah Palin? Do you wish she'd take a long walk off a short Pier To Nowhere? Say "thanks, but no thanks" to the Republican vice presidential nominee with your very own Sarah Palin Voo-Doo Doll! Each of these is hand-made by your favorite Sea Hag and comes in three varieties:

The RNC look:

The red power-suit look:

And the armed-in-a-flag-bikini look:

Stick sharp, rusty objects in her eyes! Teach her about basic civics! Learn her hair styling secrets! Stand on your front porch and look at Alaska with her! Yes, the Sarah Palin Voo-Doo Doll has thousands of uses. (And if you like Sarah Palin then I can turn it into a fridge magnet and not mock you too much.)

I am asking for a minimum of $4 per doll, and 100% of the proceeds will go towards Operation: Af-Candy-Stan. With each doll I will include a small prize as well! Support the troops and join the Reese's Piece Corps!

I am hoping to collect money for some more candy, DVDs, books and shipping costs to go to the troop I adopted through AnySoldier.Com. If anyone has any ideas for other goodies to send (nothing hygiene-related or the chemicals will make the candy taste weird) please let me know. I can also make an Obama or McCain voo-doo doll for the aforementioned $4 (or more, if you're feeling generous). If you'd like to make a donation or if you'd like your very own voo-doo doll I'll send you my PayPal account stuff. I think that would be the easiest way to do it.

I will include updates and pictures so you can see exactly what your donation bought.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Cooking with candy!

Remember when I ate those dark chocolate cacao nibs? Well, I still had a bunch of those things left so I decided to make oatmeal dark chocolate cacao cookies!

Funny thing about me is, although I have an insatiable sweet tooth I rarely bake because there's no way I can eat an entire cake or pie or batch of cookies. I get bored of them and then they go bad. But I hit upon a solution to my problem: I could bring them to work! Those people will eat anything; they'll be all over free food like a rat on a Cheeto.

These turned out very good, I like having oatmeal in cookies, it makes them filling and fools people into thinking they might be a little healthy. Here's the recipe I used:

  • 1 cup butter, softened
  • 1 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup white sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 3 cups quick-cooking oats
  • 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips (I used the cacao nibs)

  1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
  2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture until just blended. Mix in the quick oats, walnuts, and chocolate chips. Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets.
  3. Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sea Hag gets all political (again)

I made this on Saturday:

And Sarah Palin lost 10 'favorable' points (according to the Diageo Hotline poll) in 3 days.


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 7

In a roll of Fruit Mentos, the strawberry-flavored ones would be the Queen Mentos, and the rest would be the Worker Mentos. Seriously, the other flavors are there just to preserve your dignity so you don't shove the whole tube down your throat in like six seconds. Of course, I have seen that they make a strawberry-only roll now but I have (so far) successfully avoided them like a recovering pot addict will stay away from a Dave Matthews Band concert.

But oh! I gave up years of Strawberry Mento sobriety when I saw a roll of Strawberry Yoghurt Mentos. Strawberry! Yoghurt! Is that the metric spelling of 'yogurt' or something? Am I supposed to pronounce it yog-hurt? Anyway, I couldn't resist. I'm not made of stone, you know!
These were pretty good, I think think the ones I got were at the end of their fresh shelf-life but I still scarfed them down pretty quickly. They kind of tasted like a strawberry milkshake, like a sweeter, less-intense regular strawberry Mento. By the way, the UK version of the Mentos website has hot girls in bikinis all over it, and the US website is hella-lame. Maybe British bikini babes are attracted to that extraneous h.

On my last day in St. Maarten I saw this little German kid asleep at the beach and he was wearing awesome candy shorts:

It was a good way to end my Candy-cation.

And so ends my nearly two-month long boring-ass recap of Candy-cation. Huzzahs! Now we can move on to other things.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 5 & 6

I loves me some Kit Kat bars, so I was pretty stoked to see the alternate versions of Dark Chocolate and Chunky, which had peanut butter in it. I really wish they would get more creative with the Kit Kats in the U.S., I mean, all we get are the regular 'four-fingered' varieties and the giant 'one-fingered' ones. I love the Kit Kat terminology! You totally need to check out that shit on their web site. Did you know that Kit Kat bars are the number one selling candy in the U.K.? And that they have a ton of different-flavored varieties in Japan, including Iced Tea, Green Tea, Caramel and Salt, Cherry Blossom, Orange, Apple, Melon, Red Bean (ewwww), Cantaloupe and Gold? Oh, but we get our own special flavor in the U.S.: Kit Kat White Creme, which is made with vegetable oil based candy coating rather than pure white chocolate. Yum yum!

The Dark Chocolate Kit Kat was OK, you could taste the dark chocolate but it wasn't very good quality chocolate. It's probable the lowest concentration of cocoa allowable to be called 'dark' chocolate, really. But it wasn't bad. The Chunky Kit Kat was a 'one-finger' bar, and I love those. It reminds me of that scene in 'Honey I Shrunk The Kids' where the kids find the Oatmeal Cream Pie. That would be so cool. Anyway, the peanut butter flavor wasn't terribly pronounced, but I've never been a huge peanut butter fan anyway so that was just fine by me. Don't get me wrong, peanut butter is tasty and all, but it's like, me and peanut butter have tried to date before but we decided that we were better as friends. It wasn't him, it was me. I needed time to go find myself and it just wasn't fair to peanut butter. Plus I didn't want to be tied down to just one sandwich spread.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Sea Hag gets all political and stuff

Separated at birth?

GOP Vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin:

And that woman who played the therapist from 'The Sopranos'?

Cindy McCain, wife of GOP presidential nominee John McCain:

And that woman I hate from Food Network, Sandra Lee?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 4

OK, seriously this is the best place in the whole world. This is a little chocolate shop in St. Maarten owned by a diminutive Belgian woman named Beatrix, which is an awesome name. She makes all the candy in-shop. I can't explain to you how unbelievable this place smells. She needs to charge admission just to get a whiff. But not only does she let you come in the store for free, she feeds you candy. Free candy. FREE AWESOME CANDY.

She let me have a piece of what she called 'her version of fudge'. In spite of the fact that I'm a raging sugar slut, fudge just doesn't really do it for me. It's gritty and it's so sweet that you can't even taste the chocolate. But not this fudge. It was so incredibly good and smooth and creamy. And free! I stood around for a long time, looking over all the chocolates in the store and chatting with Beatrix, secretly hoping that she would just adopt me so I could live in this Chocolate Nirvana forever. I would totally be her indentured servant. She probably thought I was a moron, but she gave me some more candy so I didn't care. I bought two huge boxes of chocolate to take back. There are all kinds of amazing fillings for these things, in milk, dark, and white chocolates. Also! She makes chocolate boobies and penises. Hee hee!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Where is Sea Hag?

I know I've been slack about posting here lately, but I started partying for my 30th early and I've just sobered up enough to post this. After I finish cleaning up the barf and paying off the strippers I will tell you all about it. And I want to give everyone my unending love for all the happy birthday wishes. You guys rock!

What will this upcoming year of Sea Hag Eats It bring?

  • Finishing Candy-cation!
  • Reviewing new candy
  • Start a new section called Suck It, Candy!
  • Cook with candy
  • Do a Candy Detox
  • Continuing Operation: Af-Candy-Stan
  • And this:

Monday, August 04, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 3

I saw this baby and, because of the dark packaging, assumed that it was a dark chocolate version of a Mars bar. Hooray! And when was the last time I had a Mars bar, anyway? I couldn't even remember. So I bought it and was happy as a biscuit at the prospect of yumming it down.

When I opened it I saw that it wasn't dark chocolate but regular old milk chocolate. That was OK though, because the bar was actually two smaller bars, but together they were bigger than a U.S. Mars bar. Bonus candy! Yet another example of the candy superiority of Europe! Then I took a bite... and it tasted like a Milky Way bar! Where the hell were the almonds? Was it possible that I got the Mars bar confused with another candy? If so, what candy bar was I think of? How could I have possibly gotten confused? Candy's like the only thing I know about! Was this the sign of The Apocalypse? Was the end nigh? Some people claimed that there was candy to blame... but I know it was, somehow, my own damn fault. I spent the rest of my day in a rum-soaked stupor, wondering what the name of that almond candy bar was called.

I saw my dad later that day and he was eating a Mars bar in it's deceptive, evil black packaging. "Hey Dad, what was the name of that candy bar that was like a Snickers but it had almonds instead?"

He frowned around his mouthful of nougat and chocolate. "You know, I could have sworn it was a Mars bar but this one doesn't have the almonds."

"So did I!"

"I've actually been wondering all day what this one tastes like."

"It tastes like a Milky Way."

"Yeah! So what was the one with the almonds?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not going crazy."

"Me, too."

Then we hugged and I figured that if I had just caused the end of the world I was glad to have had this bonding time with my dad. Later that day I got on the internet and did a little research. Know why I haven't had a Mars bar in a long time? They don't make them in the States anymore. It's called a Snickers with Almonds now. And you know what the call Milky Ways in Europe? Yeah. A Mars bar. Thanks a lot, you butt stains from Mars, Incorporated, you almost drove my family insane.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 2

What's so great about St. Maarten (besides the nude beaches and the fact that rum is literally cheaper than bottled water) is that they import all of the good candy from Europe. I know you can get things like Ritter Sport candy and Nestles products in the U.S., and I know I'm going to sound like a completely unoriginal candy snob, but it's all totally different than what's available in Europe. Take, for example, Cadbury candy. You might only be familiar with the Creme Eggs, but they actually make a buttload of other stuff that is much more delicious (Cadbury Bunny forgive me for saying so). The chocolate they use for the European stuff is richer, creamier and not as sweet as its American counterparts.

I love this guy.

I've already had most of the Cadbury offerings on previous trips so I decided to try the Cadbury Picnic Bar. There were actually two different Cadbury bars at the Shell station that I hadn't tried, so it was a toss-up between the Picnic Bar and the Crunchie Bar. I'm glad I went with the Picnic Bar because it turns out that the Crunchie Bar is the twin of the Violet Crumble. Ewww! I barely avoided catastrophe there. (Since I've finished the Candy Ramadan celebration I no longer have to seek out new candies to obtain nougat-like spiritual fulfillment, but after a month of doing so it's become a hard habit to break. I didn't even realize I was purposely avoiding candy I'd already tried until the end of my vacation. Oh well.)

Anyway, the Picnic Bar. It's a chocolate bar with peanuts and raisins and caramel and puffed rice. Totally delicious. It does look like a big turd, though, especially with all the peanuts in it, but I guess all chocolate bars kinda do (kinda doo?) Also I've been spelling 'Picnic' as 'Picinic' and was wondering why the spellcheck was freaking out. Apparently I was taught to spell by Yogi Bear.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Candy-cation! Day 1

My Candy-cation started off awesome. When I was on the plane to St. Maarten I spotted a girl who had the best suitcase I'd ever seen:

I wanted to ask her where she got it and see if she was my spiritual candy sister, but she ran off before I could talk to her and possibly steal her luggage. After an exhaustive internet search for this bag I found out that it's made by Betsey Johnson and it's expensive as hell. But, my birthday is coming up so... *cough*present*cough*.

Anyway, after I got to my condo I went to a little deli to get some drinks and snacks, and I found these things:

Being that St. Maarten is half Dutch and half French, I'm guessing these are a Dutch candy. I don't know, maybe it's German. All I know is that these things are basically a lemon, orange, or strawberry Starburst smashed together with a black licorice candy. Apparently Europeans love black licorice. I found all kinds of black licorice-y candies all over the island, including Black Licorice Mentos and something called 'Licorice Allsorts' (pictured on the right). Don't get me wrong, I dig black licorice too, my toothpaste even has an anise flavor, but I sure as hell wouldn't go out of my way to purchase an entire bag of black jelly beans. That's pretty filthy.

These candies were strange. The fruit candy part was pretty good, and the licorice part was good too, but I just didn't think they went together very well and they turned my teeth black. Plus this was one of those weird bags of bottomless candy, like no matter how much I ate there was always more and more, so I threw it away finally because it was freaking me out. I mean, I didn't look inside the bag for fear that I might glimpse a parallel universe where Starbursts and black licorice were somehow wedded in confectionery bliss. Who knows what other kinds of wacky candy combinations could have come out of that bag had I kept it? That's heavy stuff, man.

Reading group! I sure hope that everyone read 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody. There's actually not too much in the way of candy action in this book, but it's a book about strippers so you know it's pretty much the best book ever. I totally have a girl crush on Diablo Cody. Oooh, wouldn't 'Candy Girl' make an awesome tattoo? I think so.

Next book: "Candy And Me: A Love Story" by Hilary Lifton

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sea Hag's triumphant return!

Hello all you wonderful people! Your favorite Sea Hag is finally back, and when I'm done getting all the beach sand out of my crevices I will tell you how my Candy-cation went.

In the mean time, the very sexy people at did an article about me! I am an internet celebrity, just like that that girl who farts on cakes and that cat who wants cheeseburgers! For anyone who has wandered over here from Candy Addict and left a nice comment, I really appreciate it! And for anyone who has been reading before I sold out, you get lots of Hipster-Cred Points.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 30

I had been saving this particular candy for this special day: the last day of Candy Ramadan. These are Pinor Noir Chocolate Covered Cherries that my dad bought for me in Sonoma, California when I was starting Candy Ramadan a month ago. He said he also had a bag of chocolate-covered blueberries and a box of Ghirardelli Chocolates but that they both melted when he left them in the car all day. I kind of have a feeling that melted in the car actually meant they're in my tummy but that's OK. Obviously the love of candy is hereditary.

It's also awesome that, when I told him about this he didn't think I was crazy or ask why I was even doing it, he just went out and got me some candy. So, no matter what these were thing were going to taste like, they were going to be my favorites because they were bought with love. Also, of course they tasted awesome, are you kidding me? Chocolate + wine + cherries = so good I almost ruptured my brain with constant 'yum yum yum' noises while I ate them.

I can't believe this is over! I am so bummed, I wish I had done Candy Lent instead so I could have had 40 days instead of 30. But it was a blast, anyone who loves candy should definitely try this out sometime. I want to thank everyone who stopped by to read my blog, too. You guys are great.

So what have we learned from Candy Ramadan?
1. I will never, ever get tired of candy.
2. Candy is mostly delicious but not always.
3. Some candy companies need to work on their customer service.
4. Candy is better when it is shared.
5. Asian candy is for the adventurous.
6. The best candy can be found in unexpected places.
7. 'Premium' candy doesn't necessarily mean it's good candy.
8. Check the expiration date.
9. Red bean candy is disgusting and edible rice paper is not to be trusted.

So, what's in store for the future? There are a lot of projects that are still going on even though Candy Ramadan is over. I'm still waiting for my candy tree to grow:

I'm collecting money to buy candy for the Reese's Piece Corps' Operation: Af-Candy-Stan that I'm planning on sending when the weather gets a little cooler, hopefully by the end of September:

Yes, I'm saving the Operation: Af-Candy-Stan money in Tootsie Roll Banks.

I still need to try candy from Africa and Antarctica:

And I have a few baking projects that I will attempt with my left-over candy.

What's next? Well, I'm about to go on vacation so what could be better than sitting on the beach, drinking rum and getting no tan lines? Sitting on the beach, drinking rum and getting no tan lines while eating candy! I'm going to come back in a week and blog all about what kinds of awesome candy I snorted down from the duty-free shop and all the excellent European treats they import in St. Maarten. I have a few ideas about future candy projects, but I'll let those be a secret until I get back.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 29

In my never-ending quest to glorify the word 'munch' I ate a Moose Munch Bar from Harry & David today. I got it on sale for 97-cents because they were going to discontinue some of the flavors, so that was pretty awesome. The flavor I got was S'mores. It was really good but having graham crackers and marshmallows on top of the chocolate-covered toffee popcorn and almonds seemed like overkill. The marshmallow bits were really hard, like the middle of a Violet Crumble. (Note to self: Make own candy car called Violent Pink Crumble). Now I know a lot of people adore Violet Crumbles but I think they're like taking a big old bite out of a stick of chalk. I'm getting skeeved out just thinking about the texture. Blaaaaugh!

The good thing about the Munch Bar (Note to self: Open awesome candy-and-beer place called The Munch Bar) is that the marshmallows are few and far between. I must say that there was a surprising amount of chocolate in this candy, and it was all quality stuff. If I see these next time I might just go for the regular version because I wished there was more popcorn bits in mine.

Update! Operation: Movie Theater Candy Caper went off without a hitch last night, probably because there was a metric buttload of nerds out to watch 'The Dark Knight' (which was rad, of course). I took with me a treat from Yoda's home planet: a Dagoba a organic chocolate bar that was flavored with coconut and brazil nuts. (Now I have North and South America, Asia, Australia and Europe covered for Candy Ramadan. Time to step up, Africa and Antarctica! You've only got until tomorrow!) This candy was OK, the chocolate was so creamy that is almost had a mouth-feel like butter. The word that came to mind was unctuous. Now, that might sound like a good thing but it didn't have that nice snap that chocolate should have. It was kind of weird. Plus they ground up the nuts and coconut really tiny so there wasn't a good texture contrast.

Tomorrow! We wind down Candy Ramadan!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 28

What has cocoa mass, wheat syrup and 22 mg of caffeine per serving? Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolates! These little bad asses are a dark chocolate shell filled with espresso. The shell actually looks a lot like the Nestle Treasures do, like they're both little candy logs filled with gooey goodness. The box points out that "other coffee candies have a cream center or bits of coffee beans. Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolates have a real liquid espresso center." Because that's just how they roll, people. Recognize!

I liked these a lot, because if there's one thing I like as much as candy it's coffee. And coffee and chocolate are a killer combination. Also they're individually wrapped so they're tres classy even though they do squirt in your mouth when you bite on them.

I'm cutting this one a little short today because I'm about to see 'The Dark Knight'. HELLS YEAH! However, I am embarking on an illicit candy-smuggling operation at the theater, so I'll post later on how that goes. If I don't return, eat a Cow Tale in remembrance of me.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 27

Because of my tardiness yesterday I will give you all a sweet two-for-one candy review today! First up we've got the Twizzlers Twerpz, which I found at Six Flags today. My search for Candy Ramadan offerings does not rest, not even in the middle of an amusement park where they charge $4 for a bottle of water! Anyway, these are described as Twizzlers with a 'tangy' filling. When I hear the word tangy I think of barbecue sauce, but I'm such a total freak for all things Twizzler that I just had to have these, possible barbecue-filled emotional scarring be damned.

The Bites come in two flavors, strawberry and orange, with corresponding fillings. Basically all these were was a Twizzler Bite stuffed with a soft Starburst. Sort of like the candy equivalent of Combos Snacks. They were really excellent, though I think the strawberry ones were a little better. The Twizzler bit didn't really offer too much by the way of taste, but it was awesomely chewy.

The second candy I had today was Caramels With Butter From Charentes-Poitou. That is their official name, I guess. Charentes-Poitou is a region in France known for butter, so I don't know if the candy is made in Charentes-Poitou or just the butter they use in the candy. I bought these at Star Provisions. If Trader Joe's is the poor man's Whole Foods, then Whole Foods is the poor man's Star Provisions. It is an uber-gourmet store. This is where you can buy French grey sea salt or foie gras or Kobe steak (on sale for $128 per pound!). They claim that the four flavors are supposed to be vanilla, almond, coffee and chocolate, but the ingredients list hazelnut instead of almond. Ooh, maybe 'hazelnut' is French for 'almond'... nope, not according to Babelfish. Anyway, I had been wary of going to Star Provisions for a candy run because I knew that they had loads of gourmet stuff there and I might sell a kidney to get my hands on some. I found these caramels and the price wasn't too bad (well, by Star Provisions standards, anyway) so I snatched them up. You know, they have a cheesemonger there and a fishmonger and a butcher and a bunch of bakers, maybe they would need a candymonger too! "Yes ma'am, we just received in a fresh batch of Nibby Bars today. We also have an excellent 2007 Wooloomooloo Bar, would you care for a sample?" HOLY CRAP THAT WOULD BE SO SO SO RAD.

...What was I talking about before I had a candy-gasm? Oh, right, the caramels. They were good, of course. Rich and creamy but not too sweet or sticky. Delicious.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 26

Sorry this one is late folks, but I had limited access to teh Internetz yesterday and I didn't get around to it. Plus the candy I had for Day 26 was pretty boring: the 3 Musketeers Mint. Now, mint/chocolate are a classic combination, just like peanut butter/jelly or orange/vanilla, but like the crispy mint M&Ms I had a few days ago, the mint vastly overpowers any chocolate taste. I know from personal experience that mint is a really strong flavor, so you have to be careful when you put it in any food that you only use a teeny bit or the whole damn thing is going to taste like toothpaste. And really, the 3 Musketeers Mint bar was so minty I could feel it in my ears.

I must also confess that I've never been a real fan of 3 Musketeers. If candy bars were lingerie, a 3 Musketeers would be a training bra. I mean, it's a candy bar in the sense that it's candy and it's in bar form, but if all you're bringing to the table is a whipped nougat center, why even bother?

Monday, July 14, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 25

When I bought the sack of dark chocolate cacao nibs from the DeKalb Farmer's Market I was pretty stoked because I'd always wanted to try them, but then I made the mistake of going to World Market afterwards and saw something called a Chocolate Nibby Bar, which had cacao nibs in it too. Why oh why didn't I go to World Market first? I could've had a Nibby Bar! Nibby Nibby Nibbynibbynibby! That is a great name for a cat. Come here, little Nibby! Come get some Meow Mix!

In spite of the fact that these things look a little like rabbit poops, they're pretty good. Sort of like tiny chocolate-covered espresso beans. If you're into dark chocolate this would definitely be your thing. But, just like the candy sunflower seeds, I think they'd be better as an ingredient in something, like cookies. I might try to come up with a good cookie recipe for these some time.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 24

Today started off totally shitty because for the first time in 24 days I FORGOT TO BRING CANDY WITH ME TO EAT. Don't worry though, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my dosage increased. It did make me kinda sad though because a lot of people know that I'm doing Candy Ramadan and now every day someone asks me what's my daily candy, and I always try to share some. (Unless it was the red bean candy. I wouldn't wish that foul stuff on anyone.) I have discovered that sharing candy and getting other reactions has been a lot of fun.

Not all was lost though, when I got home I sat my ass right down and snarfed a Christopher's Big Cherry which I got at Fry's Electronics. These things are great! Nothing but an unpretentious sugar bomb with invertase benzoate of soda, possible cherry pits, and Red Dyes #3 and #40. It's like a huge chocolate-covered cherry cordial but instead of the white goo filling there is a fluffy sugar pillow that is my new favorite color, violent pink. Seriously, the inside is the same exact color of the package. Science is awesome! The whole thing is covered in peanuts which gives it a good texture. It's a real antidote to the snobby stuff I had yesterday, though if I'd had these things growing up I'd had given myself diabetes by the age of six.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 23

What is up with companies coming out with mega-premium super-select ultra-fabulous versions of candy? I mean, I love the idea that candy, like language and art, is an ever-changing medium that humans strive to perfect; it is a rich canvas by which we provide future generations a glimpse at our culture. So what will it say when my grandchildren learn that, during my lifetime, companies like M&Ms and Russell Stover, solid blue-collar candy-makers, produced top-of-the-grocery-store-shelf treats full of organic, Ecuadorian cacao?

Oh, none of them are bad, this Russell Stover American Classic Southern Pecan Chocolate Torte included. But it seems like there's always something... off about any of these premium candies. For instance, this candy was a base of white chocolate with dark chocolate truffle blobs and a milk chocolate top and pecan flavor. The chocolate was nice and smooth and rich, and the pecan taste was nutty and bitter enough to accent the chocolates and give it several layers of flavor. However, where Russell Stover gets it wrong is with the pecan flavoring. Why the hell didn't they put actual nuts in this? If I pay a premium price I want premium, three-dimensional pecans! The crunchy pecan bits would have been scrumptious with the creamy chocolate. Just like with the candy shell-less premium M&Ms, these are very close to being awesome but the price they're charging just isn't worth it. Russell Stover just needs to stick to the white boxes with the ribbon painted on them that my dad brings back from the outlet on his way home from Florida. My dad is the best.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 22

Once again I throw myself on the potential hand grenade of Asian treats with Botan Rice Candy that I got at World Market. These were only like a dollar and I dug the outer box with a kitty jug and a flower that looks like it's made of slices of ham, then the other side had some sort of pants-less baby with a microphone. Wacky! Plus it promised that there was a FREE CHILDREN'S STICKER inside. Hooray, a candy with two-in-one choking action!

As I opened the box I saw that the flap said that each candy had an edible wrapper. Ah, we meet again, my Rice Paper Nemesis! Only this time I am on to your evil ways. So I took out a candy and stuck the whole thing in my mouth without taking off the wrapper.

I had the candy in my mouth for about 30 seconds and the wrapper had yet to dissolve. What the hell? The I noticed that the flap said that each candy had an edible inner wrapper that melted in your mouth. So basically I just tried to suck the plastic wrapper off. Rice paper 2, Sea Hag 0.

After being outsmarted once again by rice paper, I popped the plastic-free candy in my mouth. It was very good! It has a good orange flavor, actually it tasted like Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. And the texture was really good, very chewy but not sticky.

As I went around and told everyone about this candy, I was irritated to find that this is practically the only Asian candy that everyone has already tried but me. Sigh. How could I have missed the Botan Candy boat? It must be that rice paper. It hates me.

The sticker I got was a picture of a girl kneeling in front of a window. She was looking very calm and serene. I made it into a magnet. I like to think she's meditating on ways to help me get revenge on the makers of rice paper and imprisoned her in her candy box jail for so long.

Candy news! Some guy in New Zealand found a treasure chest washed up on the beach... full of candy bars! I must move to New Zealand.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Candy Ramadan: Day 21

I was fooled today by Trader Joe's Chocolate Sunflower Seed Drops today... fooled into consuming health food! I mean, the first ingredient listed was chocolate, so I figured they were OK in spite of their sunflower guts. But as I started eating them I felt... odd. Like I was being suspiciously nourished. So I checked the rest of the ingredients list and I saw that there were natural food colorings used! AAAAAAH! I just consumed something with beet powder and spinach juice!

Still, they were OK, though my stomach hurt for a bit due to the vitamins and whatnot. But the thing I liked the best was their texture was so slippery. It felt neat to stick your fingers in the carton. Also I felt like you were probably supposed to put these in something like cookies and not really to eat them straight, like chocolate chips.

Anyway, with a whole tub of these things left, I figured I could put their natural-ness to good use and try to grow a candy tree. So I planted one of each color in some potting soil I had and I put it on my porch. I will keep you updated to the progress of my candy trees.

Update! I finally got a reply from the asshats at Flyer Chocolates:

Dear Sea Hag,

We are sorry that you had a problem, as all of our
bars are shipped to our distributors in good
condition. We will contact our distributor and Alon's,
as there could have been a problem in transit during
the summer heat.

Did you return the product to Alon's for a refund? If
not, please send the empty wrapper and your receipt to
Paris Chocolates, Inc., P. O. Box 1281, Washington, CT
06793, and we will refund your money plus $2.00 for
postage and handling.

If you no longer have the wrapper and receipt, please
provide us with the amount you paid for the bar and
your mailing address and we will send you a refund

If you would like to talk to one of our owners, please
provide your daytime phone number or call us at
800-226-3922 during business hours and leave your

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

The Chocolatiers at Paris Chocolates, Inc.

OK, I paid like $1.99 for this damn thing, so it's probably not even worth the waste of paper. Should I do it?