Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Operation: Af-Candy-Stan = Mission accomplished!!

Well, my plan to raise money for "Operation: Af-Candy-Stan" with my voodoo dolls went over about as well as an abstinence talk in the Palin household. Oooh, too soon? OK, how about it went over about as well as Sarah Palin at a Mensa meeting. But fuck it, I wasn't going to let the troops down! They needed my love in candy form! So I took all the change I'd been saving for the last few months:

Only silver coins, people. Fuck pennies. Fuck them right in the ear. Although my least favorite coin is the nickel. I don't know why.

I managed to save up a little over $53. Then my dad contributed like 5 pounds of Twizzlers and a giant-ass box of Cheez-Its in handy snack packs. I got the rest of the loot:

This is the treat motherload.

Then I had to stuff all of it in a box. Let me tell you, it took ALL of my mad Tetris skills to do this:

I also wrote a little letter to put in the box:

Oct. 28, 2008

The story of how this box of treats came to you is a little weird: I am a huge candy freak, and a few months ago I did a project where I tried a different candy every day for thirty days. Most of the candies I tried were from other countries and many of them were absolutely awful. I had one candy that tasted like refried beans. It was totally foul. Anyway, I was telling my friends about how I felt sorry for the children in the countries where bean-flavored treats were considered tasty, and I jokingly said I was going to start the "Reese's Piece Corps" to send out delicious candy to the unfortunate. One friend asked if my imaginary non-profit would consider sending candy to troops as well, and, because it was such a good idea, "Operation: Af-Candy-stan" was born.

On behalf of all the people who supported "Operation: Af-Candy-stan" I'd like to tell you that we love you all, and that we are proud of you and appreciate everything you do. We hope you come home safe and that you come home soon.

Sea Hag, 'President' of the Reese's Piece Corps

Reese's Piece Corps members:

I took the box to the post office and it was totally heavy. I'd like to thank the rotten twat who watched me struggle to open the door without dropping the box and crushing my foot, by the way. Anyway, I do have pretty wimpy girl arms (however, my pimp hand is strong) so I figured it must be about ten pounds and I was pretty proud of that. But when they weighed it I about crapped a canary when I saw how heavy it actually was:

24 pounds of candy! How awesome is that?

So on behalf of the Reese's Peace Corps, I'd like to thank all the contributors and all the people who encouraged me to do this. I think we did a rad thing and I hope we can give these troops a little happiness.


Noochie said...

You rock the hizzay, Sea Hag. I'm proud to be a Reese's Piece Corps member, and I look forward to my future contributions to the effort. Maybe we can do a USO-style trip over there. Can you say "minstrel show"?

Koz said...

Well at least it went over better than Barack Obama at Klan rally.

Hyperion said...

You're a strange but good woman.

Here's a question: whom would you rather have as a half-sister: Bristol or a Rodeo Clown?

Sea Hag said...

Hmm... photographic evidence indicates that Bristol can have a good time, but now that she's going to have a little rugrat I'm sure that will hinder her doing mega kegstands at my next party.