Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Modest Mouse

Modest Mouse

We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Like the rest of the world, I started listening to Modest Mouse when their last CD "Good News For People Who Love Bad News" started being played all the time (I seem to remember that they had a TV commercial hawking their CD at Target). I listened to some of their older stuff after that, and I've come to the conclusion that this is one of those bands where I either LOOOOOVE a song or hate it with everything in me.

Thing is, while I'm sure that there are some really good tunes on this album (along with some shitty ones) I just haven't gotten around to listening to it yet. I think it's mostly because Isaac Brock's yelpy-bark of a voice isn't something you can listen to for extended periods of time without your brain melting out of your ears. Also, sometimes you're just not in the mood to listen to something, and that applies here.

Recommended songs:

"Dashboard"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Blackfield

Blackfield
Blackfield II

It's highly possible that you've never heard of these people, because it's a side project of Porcupine Tree's lead singer Steven Wilson and some Israeli guy named Aviv Geffen. He's supposed to be big over there. Anyway, before the new album came out I would have said wow, you need to listen to these guys because they're really fucking good.

And then they released "Blackfield II".

Wow, is their new CD is a total and utter pile of steaming monkey boogers. Blackfield's first CD "Blackfield" is a favorite of mine, so I was super disappointed in how totally craptacular this one was. I should have known it would be awful just from the incredibly clever and creative title of the new CD.

For this release they tried to do more storytelling with their songs and... well, not everyone has mastered the art of telling a story in song without sounding like a bunch of morons. Ryan Adams? Colin Meloy? Bruce Springsteen? Billy Joel? They can. Blackfield guys? Puking guinea pigs could have done a better job. The songs are - Flying Spaghetti Monster help us - full of rhyming lyrics that are completely forced and clunky. And nothing kills a song for me faster than lyrics that rhyme for the sake of rhyming, or angsty songs that sound like they're straight from a 14-year-old's diary. Usually such a big change in music is a result of something like a change in labels or producers or rampant sobriety, but honestly this album sucked so hard that I don't even care to look it up online.

Recommended songs:

Their other album. For the love of everything that's good and holy.

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Ryan Adams

Ryan Adams

Easy Tiger

Oh, Ryan Adams, how I want to jump your crazy-ass bones and then dump you just so you'd write a song about it the next day.

So it came as a surprise to... well, no one that Ryan Adams had been doing heroin and coke and drinking heavily for a long time, and that he went through rehab or some shit and was now sober. I know this is going to sound awful, but I always cringe a little on the inside when I hear that a favorite musician of mine has decided to get married/have a baby/clean up because generally their music always changes for the worst. I don't want you to be happy, damn it! I want you to be strung out and writing songs about that one girl who broke your heart!

One of the reasons I like Ryan Adams, besides the fact he's a nutty, bratty larger-than-life genius, is that he's not afraid to wallow around in his own misery and produce some incredibly dark work, such as my favorites "The Shadowlands", "Blue Sky Blues", "Elizabeth, You Were Born To Play That Part", "La Cienega Just Smiled" or "Peaceful Valley", which has these cheerful lyrics:

All my life I've loved for forgiveness
But I can never seem to get enough
All my life I've been rocked into the darkness
With a gun to my head
Trying to find a peaceful song
Trying to find a peaceful song
To sing when everything goes wrong
Till the peaceful valley calls me home

But Ryan Adams' new album isn't full of the funeral-dirge ballads that I like the best, but it's not a bad album either. He's certainly put the 'country' back in 'alt-country' for this one, and though it's mostly good I'm just not a huge fan of the twangy stuff. But his vocals are very silky and pretty, his lyrics are always good, and the production quality of the album is fucking amazing.

The first single that was released off of this was "Two" which I think had Sheryl Crow doing background vocals. Why do people like her so much? She's an average singer and songwriter at best. Yeah, I know she just had breast cancer but my sympathy does not make her any more talented to my ears. Anyway, it's an OK song, it does smack of someone trying to garner playtime on an adult contemporary listening station though. There's much better stuff on the album, and if you dig country music I think you'd like this one a lot.

Recommended songs:

"Oh My God, Whatever, Etc."

"Off Broadway"

"Everybody Knows"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : The Decemberists

The Decemberists

The Crane Wife

Yes, I know it came out in 2006 but The Decemberists are THE! BEST! BAND! EVER! so I'm totally going to whore them out right now. Plus I saw them two times on tour this year so that should count for something, right? Anyway, 'The Crane Wife' is an incredible album and I am particularly in love with the title track, which is actually a 3-part song that takes on a Japanese folk tale. One reason I love The Decemberists so much is that they can do shit like this or do an 18-minute homage to Irish folk hero Cuchulain or songs about pirates and whores and it doesn't sound like they're trying overly hard to be cute or smart or gain some sort of nerdy indie-cred. They do what they do because that's what they like, and even though this is their first release on a major label they haven't lost any of their Decemberists-ness, which is a feat in and of itself. LOVE THEM!!!! LOVE!!!!

Recommended songs:

"The Crane Wife 1-3"

"Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then)"

"Sons and Daughters"

"The Island"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Tori Amos

Tori Amos

American Girl Posse

I should probably put a disclaimer here that Tori Amos will always be one of my favorite musicians even when she releases such huge gorilla turds as "The Beekeeper" or "Strange Little Girls". "American Girl Posse" isn't as bad as some of her previous albums but it's still lacking something that her earlier work just hummed with.

Tori Amos released her first album "Little Earthquakes" over 15 years ago, and she filled it with songs about the anger, sadness and disillusionment that came with leaving your childhood behind and entering a world your parents didn't (and couldn't) prepare you for; a place where you were no longer protected by your father's love but were victim to men's cruel hearts and your own unintentionally hurtful whims and relationships. So you just can imagine the effect an album such as this had on me when I was 19 years old and heard it for the first time. It was more than an album, it was my anthem and my religion then (and in a way, it still is). So is it fair to hold up Tori Amos' later works (or anyone else's, for that matter) to one that set an impossible standard? Of course not. To do so would be to experience suicidal disappointment in every single song you'll ever hear for the rest of your life.

But Tori Amos continued to release wonderful things after "Little Earthquakes" for several years, and she experimented and tried new things musically and continued to put this incredible emotional edge to everything she did. Her lyrics have always been odd and cryptic, but they could create a feeling that would be otherwise impossible to get if you analyzed them literally. But her last few albums have really lacked that raw anger and cynicism that made her earlier stuff so damn good. What little outrage she has now isn't directed towards her own little world but out at the world at large, and there's where it falls in to the Boring Protest Songs Category which I despise. The other songs she's done have been just way too boring and lame. Here's what I mean:

This is from her song "Silent All These Years" from "Little Earthquakes":
So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts-

What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?

Boy, you'd best pray that I bleed real soon

How's that thought for you?

This is from "Precious Things", also from "Little Earthquakes":

So you can make me come

That doesn't make you Jesus.

See what I mean? Coy, flip, hurt, confused and angry angry angry.

And now here's some lyrics from "Yo George" on "American Doll Posse":

I salute to you Commander
and I sneeze.
'Cause I have, now,
An allergy
To your policies, it seems.
Where have we gone wrong, America?

And this is from "Original Sinsuality" on "The Beekeeper":

Original sin?
No, I don't think so
Original sinsuality
Original sin?
No, it should be
Original sinsuality
Original sin?
No, I don't think so
Original sinsuality

... yeah.

Music critics love to throw around the word 'accessible' when describing some albums, as in 'it was their most accessible album to date'. Most of the time I think they just like saying that because they're being pretentious asshats, but with Tori Amos her albums have stopped being accessible to me. I imagine that after years and years of songwriting that exposed her most vulnerable, personal thoughts it might have gotten exhausting for her, or maybe she's done with that time in her life now and wants to sing about other things. Maybe it's because she's married and a mother now, and she's singing about a place in her life that I can't relate to because I haven't experienced it yet and maybe never will. I don't know. But when I hear her new stuff I don't get the sense that's she's singing about things that come from her deep well of personal experience anymore. It all seems like she's one step removed now, like she's singing about something she saw on TV.

But I can tell you that "American Doll Posse" is supposed to be yet another conceptual album in which she sings songs as one of five alter personalities (she did something similar in "Strange Little Girls", her all-covers album, where every song was reworked and sung as a different 'character', and "Scarlet's Walk" where she took on the persona of Scarlet) but of course it all is just vaguely different shades of Tori Amos, and I'm not sure exactly why she continues to feel the need to try on other costumes when her own personality is so much more interesting.

But I will still keep buying her albums.

Recommended songs:

"Beauty Of Speed"

... you know what? Just buy "Little Earthquakes". Seriously.

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review: Arcade Fire

Arcade Fire

Neon Bible

I've got to admit, it took me a few good listens to get into their first album "Funeral" but it's become a favorite of mine. So, of course, when they released their sophomore album "Neon Bible" I wondered if, since they set the bar so high on their previous album, would I be disappointed in the new one?

The answer is... yes and no. Certainly 'Neon Bible' is a much more darker and moody album. The good news is that they're retained their old epic sound, with lots of instruments and background vocals. The bad news is... in the words of a post on songmeanings.net : "they sure like to bitch, don't they?" Their last album was very introspective, dealing with personal loss. This album is all about complaining that the government and TV and religion suck, which puts in squarely into the Boring Protest Songs category.

Just what is the Boring Protest Songs category, darling Sea Hag? That's a good question! The Boring Protest Songs Category are those songs that speak out about any of the following: government entities, government policies, political leaders, war, societal norms, 'the man', or the media AND the people who sing these songs have not experienced first-had how awful any or all of these are. For one thing, yeah, we all know those things are evil. Seriously. But thanks for the reminder. Another thing is that all of these songs kind of sound the same after a while, kind of like Christian rock or Christmas music. When you limit yourself to sing about one topic there's only so much you can say about it before it becomes repetitive and dull. And then, I'm pretty sure that most of your experience in any of these things you're singing about come from you watching 'The Daily Show', so it's missing any sort of emotional connection because you haven't been personally affected by it. (Or is it effective? I'm sure Noochie will enlighten me on this.)

This isn't a bad album, but I didn't like it all that much, mainly because I hate Boring Protest Songs. They're just not my thing. But maybe you'd like it. I won't try to judge you too harshly.

Recommended songs:
"Windowsill"
"No Cars Go"
Keep the Car Running"

Sea Hag's Ultra Fabulous 2007 Music Review : Mobius Band

This was one of those years where all the were planets were aligned in such a way that it caused pretty much all of my favorite musicians to release an album, so it was a pretty busy year for Sea Hag's iPod. This year included several sophomore efforts, new bands, and stuff from old favorites. Was any of it good? Did any of it suck? Can Sea Hag actually not sound like a pretentious music critic?

Mobius Band

Heaven

I wanted to love this album. God, how I wanted to love it like its predecessors 'The Loving Sounds of Static' and the practically flawless 'City Vs. Country' EP. But for some reason someone shitcanned all the guitars in favor of complete synthy boop-boops and brought lead singer Ben Sterling's voice to the forefront instead of letting it melt in with all the other instruments. The result is kinda... blah. There also seems to be more of an emphasis on the lyrics on this album, which really isn't their strong suit. Their last album and EP were great because they had this wonderful shoegazer vibe going on, with lush instruments and pushed-back vocals. The lyrics were abstract and dreamy and they really complimented the sound they created. But this new album, not so much.

Recommended songs:

"Hallie"

Sea Hag Loves New York!

(No, I'm talking about the place, not the show recap that no one liked.)

So I'm going to New York City tomorrow and it's going to be the shit! In honor of my trip I compiled The Best New York-Related Music EVAR!!!!11!!1! playlist to listen to on my iPod:

1. New York, New York - Ryan Adams
This was the first song that popped in my head when I thought of New York.

2. Dear Chicago - Ryan Adams
I wrote a short story loosely based on this lyric:
I think the thing you said was true;
I'm going to die alone and sad.
The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurts me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love;
I think I've fallen out of love...with you

3. Shakedown on 9th Street - Ryan Adams
Ryan Adams sure does love him some New York City.

4. Off Broadway- Ryan Adams
See what I mean?

5. A Murder of One (live) - Counting Crows
In the live version of this song, Adam Duritz adds this bit to the song:
I have been to Paris
And I have been to Rome
And I have gone to London
And I am all alone
I have been to Paris
I have been to Rome
I've been to New York City
And I am all alone

6. Lit Up - The National
So lit up, lit up, lit up alright
I try to untie Manhattan
Lit up, lit up, lit up alright
I try to untie

7. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
The first time I came up with a New York playlist I somehow left this one out. I don't know what was wrong with me.

8. Marching Bands of Manhattan - Death Cab For Cutie
If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson

9. Handsome Furs Hate This City - The Handsome Furs
OK, The Handsome Furs never actually say they hate New York City, but I liked this song so much I figured I'd stretch the parameters of the playlist a bit.

10. No Sleep Till Brooklyn - Beastie Boys
You gotta put a Beastie Boys song in here somewhere!

11. I Can't See New York - Tori Amos
This song's pretty sad. It's about the World Trade Center.

12. Ghost - Neutral Milk Hotel
And one day in New York City, baby
A girl fell from the sky
From the top of a burning apartment building
Fourteen stories high
And when her spirit left her body
How it split the sun
I know that she will live forever
All goes on and on

I've read in several places that this entire album is about Anne Frank. I don't know if this is true or not, but they mentioned New York City so it made it in.

13. Angel of Harlem - U2
This is not my favorite U2 song, but I can't help but include it.

14. The World I Know - Collective Soul

I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why

15. Song For Myla Goldberg - The Decemberists
I know New York, I need New York
I know I need unique New York
I know New York, I need New York
I know I need unique New York

Say that five times fast!

16. Detach - Mobius Band
You sleep on a subway car
when the day's not long enough to wander

They get included because of the subway mention, and also because they live in Brooklyn.

17. New York State Of Mind -Billy Joel
This one was too easy.

18. City Vs. Country - Mobius Band
The city life hushed her, she will erase.
In a comin' down to the subway.
And the light of the train flicker off across your face ok, ok

This one made it on the list for the same reasons as the other Mobius Band song. Oh! And I might go see them in concert while I'm there! Bonus points!

19. 6th Avenue Heartache - The Wallflowers
What the hell ever happened to these guys, anyway?

20. Hotel Chelsea Nights - Ryan Adams
I'm totally going to go by Hotel Chelsea.

21. My Blue Manhattan - Ryan Adams
This one is good to put on here because it has a Christmas-y feel to it too.

22. Fairytale of New York - The Pogues
This one is a Christmas song, and you have to love any Christmas song that starts off with It was Christmas Eve babe, in the drunk tank.

23. Famous Blue Raincoat - Tori Amos
It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.

24. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
Far, far away from West Virginia
I'll try New York City
Explaining that the sky holds you in
The sun rushes in and a child
With a shotgun can shoot down the honeybees that sting
But this boy could use a little sting

25. China - Tori Amos
China, all the way to New York,
I can feel the distance getting close

26. Ruby Soho - Rancid
Yeah... I really, really really stretched it with this one.

27. Daughters of the Soho Riots - The National
This is a good song. I highly recommend The National for all of your awesome listening needs.

28. Adventures of the Empress of Harlem and the Subway Boy - Joe Firstman
I have no idea who this guy is, but Noochie introduced me to this song.

Sea Hag Predicts The Future!

A few weeks ago I was eating at Jason's Deli (Jason, wherever you are... marry me) with Noochie and we sat next to a 12-year-old kid who was eating lunch with his mother. Actually, he was ignoring his mother and his tasty, tasty sandwich for his Rubik's Cube.

This reminded me of the worst job I ever had, the four months I worked for KB Toys. By the way, those four months were the holiday months, and that year was the Year of the Furby. I think our store received a grand total of like 12 of those little fuckers to sell. Way to keep up with the demand there, KB. Anyway, it also turned out to be the Year Of The Yo-Yo. I remember stocking $20 yo-yos on a shelf one day and wondering who the fuck played with yo-yos? Kids who got tired of chasing a hoop with a stick? And also, who in the hell would pay $20 for a damn yo-yo? A week later a kid came in the store and wanted said $20 yo-yo, and we wound up selling hundreds of those damn things.

So anyway, this is my prediction for this upcoming holiday season: Rubik's Cubes are going to where it's at. Buy stock.

Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York 2 (Episode 3)

To start off this episode, The Doosh tries, unsuccessfully, to start some shit with The Entertainer involving Midget Mac. I don't understand the whole 'I'm going to make myself look better by making everyone else look like shitheads" mentality, and clearly The Doosh doesn't either. He isn't smart enough to do it right, everyone in the house could easily kick his ass up and down the street and he picks the wrong people to mess with, like The Entertainer, who does not attend The School Of Laying Down And Sucking Shit For The Sake Of Being Nice. I'm beginning to like him more, in spite of his lumpy head.

Ass Biscuit and The Doosh are singled out by Buddha and the other guys as People Who Are Oxygen Thieves and they decide to prank them. They set up a fake challenge at 1 a.m. that says that the last guy who remains standing outside gets to have breakfast with New York when she gets up. So all of the guys play along with it and get dressed up and stand outside by the pool. And stand there. And stand there. And stand there, until the sun comes up and New York comes out to smoke her morning cigarette and tells Ass Biscuit and The Doosh, the last two left standing, that they got their asses good and punked. It was great for two reasons: it was a clever prank and my hatred for The Doosh and Ass Biscuit has been validated. Buddha for president!

Another classy morning in Flavor Country.

There was a challenge later with the guys being split into 4 groups to pitch ideas to expand on the New York Empire. Isn't New York already the Empire State? That is kind of confusing. Anyway, it's all pretty stupid, one team decides to promote a New York iPod, one does a New York perfume (when someone asks them what it would smell like, I almost hemmoraged from laughing at the possiblities for that one. Menthol? Weave Glue? Does the end of your fifteen minutes of fame have a fragrance?), one does a New York clothing line and the last one wants to do a Blaxploitation film called "B.A.B." (that's Bas Ass Bitch, for those of you not paying attention at home) starring New York as "N.Y. Tiffahontas." Awesome.

Of course, the Tiffahontas group is composed of my favorites: Cheezy, Ass Biscuit and The Doosh, and they win. The prize? Two dates with New York, one being a solo date for the person who contributed the most to the project, and a group date for the other two. New York decides that The Doosh will get the solo date, much to Cheezy's whiny dismay as he pretty much came up with the entire idea and The Doosh merely presented it in using his best I'm Selling Time Share Condos pitch. They both tattle to New York and she picks The Doosh because he's "the one I want to fuck." This is why I enjoy her so much.

Nothing says lovin' like stainless steel.

So they go on their date and New York gives The Doosh this necklace that looks like she broke the handle off my grandmother's gravy ladle. The next day Ass Biscuit and Whine 'N' Cheezy go and have sexy pictures taken with New York. Ass Biscuit keeps licking everything with his mucus tongue.

Ewwwww.

When New York comes back to the mansion, she finds that The Entertainer has a bubble bath going for her, so she gets in with him and he starts sucking New York's hammer toes. I would like to take a moment to thank them both for keeping their clothes on in the tub, though I must admit The Entertainer has a pretty nice body. Then The Doosh comes in and busts up the party by being, well, himself.

Nom nom nom.

Eliminations come around. Whine 'N' Cheezy and Man Man get kicked off. I'm not sad to see either go. Since The Doosh and Ass Biscuit take up so much of my recap (and my undying hatred) I guess I should go ahead and mention all the guys who are left in the house right now:

Buddha

20 Pack

Pretty

Punk

The Entertainer

Midget Mac

Mr. Wise

Wolf

Ass Biscuit

The Doosh

Next week: The Doosh gets picked on more. I weep with pleasure.

International ______ Day!

I got to do another International Day today. Go look. Go on, I'll wait for you right here.

We Can't Stop Here, This is Cat Country!

There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible than a dog in the depths of a kibble binge.

Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York (Episode 2)

So I missed the first 20 minutes of the show and that pisses me off, but not enough to go scour the Internet to find it. Apparently they had some kind of competition or something. I'm sure there were plenty of laughs and New York was a mega bitch.

Midget Mac!

So the winners of this thing were Midget Mac, Buddha (who is a gorgeous man) and The Doosh. Midget Mac (who I still think needs his own show) got some alone time with New York and they bonded over ranch dressing. Buddha and The Doosh had to share a date at the go-kart track where The Doosh continued to live up to his name by whining that Buddha wrecked him into the wall and admitting that he was going through a divorce so he still technically had a wife. Now, I do have to give him credit for having the nuts to admit that right off the bat but... yeah. Still married. Nice one there, Doosh.

Here's The Doosh being all 'Silence Of The Lambs' and shit.

Before the date The Doosh arranged to have flowers delivered to the mansion, which would be sweet if he hadn't pretty much admitted that it was all part of his Master Doosh Plan to manipulate New York. I swear this guy sells used cars for a living. Unfortunately for him, It answered the door and proceeded to take credit for the flowers himself. I'd like to take a moment now to tell you how much I hate It, so much so that I have decided to rename him Ass Biscuit. Why do I hate him? For one thing, he mumbles. He's also a moron. Separate, those things aren't that big of a deal, but together the form an unholy alliance of suckitude. For instance, when asked point-blank if he did, in fact, buy the flowers for New York or if he swiped them, he said "mumble mumble mmmmm you know boom boom bam bam boom mmmmm mumbles Lawrence Fishburn mumble mmmm mum." The best lie he could come up with was that Lawrence Fishburn must have sent the flowers to the house for Ass Biscuit. Wow. The problem is he's not stupid enough to be entertaining and his mouth-full-o'-marbles voice is just incredibly, horribly irritating to me. I hope he leaves soon, even before The Doosh.

Here's Ass Biscuit, formerly known as It. This is one of the smarter faces he makes.

Let's see... what else happened? Oh, Unsure decided to leave the house because... I don't know, he's retarded or something. I mean, he was upset because another guy ratted him out and he didn't like living in a house of people he wasn't friends with. News flash, honey: it's a COMPETITION. Your goal was to stay on the program long enough for people to get to know who you are, then when you leave people pay you like $5,000 to do appearances at their parties. Uh... I mean, stay on the show to find true love with New York. It was probably best that he left when he did because he has a face that's just begging for a beating.

Seriously, how can you look at this guy and not want to stomp on his nads for a while?

In the end, three guys left: Unsure, some guy who "looked like a pinto bean with eyes" , and some other guy who had a damn temper tantrum. It was pretty funny. So now it's down to 12 guys.

Here's a picture of Buddha. You're welcome.

Sea Hag Prophecies:

1. Buddha will make it to the final 3.

2. Midget Mac will be in the top 10.

3. The Doosh will be in the top 5.

4. Ass Biscuit will be around a lot longer than I want him to be.

5. I will pray for many ass whippings.

Speaking of Ryan Adams...

I wrote a story that was inspired by the song 'Dear Chicago'. The lyrics are at the top in purple.

Dear Chicago,
You'll never guess.
You know the girl you said I'd meet someday?
Well, I've got something to confess.
She picked me up on Friday.
Asked me if she reminded me of you.
I just laughed and lit a cigarette,
Said, "That's impossible to do. "
My life's gotten simple since.
And it fluctuates so much.
Happy and sad and back again,
I'm not crying out too much.
Think about you all the time.
It's strange and hard to deal.
Think about you lying there.
And those blankets lie so still.
Nothing breathes here in the cold.
Nothing moves or even smiles.
I've been thinking some of suicide.
But there's bars out here for miles.
Sorry about the every kiss.
Every kiss you wasted bad.
I think the thing you said was true;
I'm going to die alone and sad.
The wind's feeling real these days.
Yeah, baby, it hurts me some.
Never thought I'd feel so blue.
New York City, you're almost gone.
I think that I've fallen out of love;
I think I've fallen out of love...with you

New York City,
You're Almost Gone

On the morning of her wedding, Erin sat on a cement bench in the church courtyard and watched the smoke from the tip of her cigarette melt into the January sky.

The courtyard had been constructed from the awkward patch of grass that ran between the chapel and the annex building that housed the Sunday school and kindergarten classes. A fountain with a tiptoeing cherub stood at the far end, its basin clogged with flaking dead leaves. For three years Mrs. Janine 'Janey' Baxter (the head of the Ladies With Christian Morals League and co-chair of the Think of the Children Annual Bake Sale) had a vision of a glorious, rioting flower garden blooming against the chapel wall but the narrow courtyard let in little sunlight and the roses and pansies and daffodils rotted in the damp soil. Now the only thing in the flowerbeds were wet cigarette butts from nervous smokers who weren't brave enough to stand on the front steps and fend off any panhandlers who might walk by. The concrete bench, with its richly entertaining graffiti, was pushed against the annex building wall and faced the splotchy brick side of the chapel and the ashtray flowerbed. However, if seated correctly, like Erin was, the bench also provided a partial view of the sidewalk through the cast-iron gate that capped off the end of the courtyard.

A Snickers wrapper from the vending machine in the dim annex basement brushed against Erin's ankle, bare in spite of the weather. The tiny alcove where her bridesmaids were busily curling their hair and stepping into their fluffy gowns had been stifling and Erin was desperate to get away from the heat and her fiancé’s pouting niece; the girl hated her dove-gray bridesmaid dress and that her daily dramas were not being attended to. Smoking a cigarette was the only thing that would guarantee that any well-meaning person would leave her alone for five minutes. The fact that Erin didn't normally smoke went unremarked by anyone in the bridal party; they were all Brandon's family and had only just met her a few days ago. Erin hoped that going outside in just her lacy underthings and her father's huge wool overcoat would be attributed to wedding day jitters by her future in-laws. Or maybe they would think she was plain old crazy. Either way suited her just as well.

Erin took a shallow drag off of the cigarette and continued to watch the sidewalk, but it was still too early in the day for any guests to arrive at the church. She flicked the glowing tip against the bench, letting the spent ashes float away in the winter wind. She felt her own heat radiate towards her face from inside the collar of her father's coat and wondered if she could bum another cigarette from the janitor, or if she could dare walk down to the gas station to buy a pack of her own.

At that very moment a young man, his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his dark jacket, turned the corner and began to walk in front of the church. As he came to the cast iron gate to the courtyard the familiar smell of burning tobacco and damp winter air engulfed him, making him think of the Christmas he spent at his grandfather's cabin when he was six years old, watching the old man whittle a toy train out of a hunk of blond wood with a Pall Mall dangling from his lower lip. As he broke his hypnotic gaze with the sidewalk to look for the source of the cigarette smell his eyes caught Erin's through the iron bars.

With that dark, careful glance Erin was suddenly in New York City six years ago, standing at the center of the world with her lover and the hot red glow of pulsing neon. They reached for each other's hands. It was ten o'clock at night. Steam gushed from the yellow lip of the Ramen Cup O' Noodles that crowned Times Square. Children poured in and out of Toys 'R' Us with faces bubble-gum pink. Taxis. Starbucks jammed full. Mediocre chain restaurants with bright white signs pouring over the sidewalk. A bus passed them; the sour smell of underground subways followed it. A girl in a purple tank top stood underneath the MTV Studios with a hand-lettered sign in Japanese; a shadow passed in front of one of the windows and she bounced on her platform shoes. Twin girls in matching green sweaters ate greasy french fries out of a McDonald's bag that their mother held down to them. Someone honked a horn at a tourist taking pictures in the middle of the crosswalk. Another horn answered four blocks over, and another. A drag queen brushed past, talking in Portuguese on a sleek cell phone, her accent and walk like warm marmalade. Erin reached out with her other hand and grabbed her lover's arm, wanting to keep him in this exact spot for as long as she could, within the buzzing heart of everything she'd ever seen and smelled and heard and touched in her life.

From the deep tunnel of the past Erin could see herself so clearly, standing in the swirl of Times Square, the saturation of that day spreading into the next and next, across the trip back home and the next year they were together. That lonely year: the time she threw a coffee cup at his head, the move across town, bronchitis, the stray cat, pawnshops, temp agencies, cold floorboards, too many funerals to count. New York City fading across the end of that relationship and the last time she felt his hummingbird heart against her chest; finally gone now, on this very day as she sat on the concrete bench with a smoldering cigarette pinched between her knuckles, two years of sobriety done and his final curse of loneliness on her head.

The young man's eyes remained locked on Erin's while his left foot struck the sidewalk in front of the cast iron gate, rightleftright and with a short nod he was gone, leaving her alone in the courtyard perched like a strange bird in an oversized charcoal coat, her hair pinned up in curls and baby's breath, her fingertips twitched towards his retreating, slouching back. She sighed, watching the cigarette burn down to the filter and slowly stood up. She flicked the butt into the Marlboro-studded flowerbed and walked inside.

Hot date tonight!

Here's the stud muffin I'm gonna hang out with tonight... and if I'm lucky, tomorrow morning. Mwah ha ha! Don't wait up for me!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York (Episode 1)

See how I told you a few days ago that I would try to do a weekly recap of 'I Love New York 2'? Seriously, it's down there, right below this post. See it? OK. Told you so.

I guess I should explain this show first to the uninitiated. OK, a few years ago there was a reality show called 'The Surreal Life' which had washed-up and B-list actors, singers, models, porn stars, athletes and whoever else just finished their 15 minutes of fame competing for... money? A house? Candy? I don't remember, but it's not important. The whole show was just watching people with disproportionately huge egos learn about life and love. (Not really, all they did was bitch at each other and it was funny.) Anyway, one season they had Flavor Flav of Public Enemy and Brigette Nielson who was in some '80s movies (and is Sylvester Stalone's ex-wife), as two of the contestants. They wound up getting into some sort of... oh, let's call it a relationship, and they got their own spin-off show called 'Strange Love' which I've never seen but I'm sure was full of good times and noodle salad.

Anyway, their relationship didn't work out so VH1 had Flav do a show called 'Flavor of Love' which was a dating show where 20 women competed against each other to date Flavor Flav. The final two contestants were a girl called Hoopz and also New York, who had made a name for herself by being the biggest, nuttier-than-a-Claxton-fruitcake bitch possible. New York lost, but Flavor Flav wound up doing a second 'Flavor of Love' show and somehow New York got put back in the mix... where she made it to the final two contestants... where she lost yet again. So they gave her her own show called 'I Love New York' where her final two guys were a punk-ass named Chance and much more mature Tango (who was also known as Ninja Turtle). She chose Tango, who promptly dumped her ass at the reunion show. Which brings us to 'I Love New York 2', a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off. Also, this time around, the 'twist' with the contestants was that five of them were chosen online by fans (and by 'fans' I mean it was totally rigged). Then New York's mom Sister Patterson (a.k.a. Darth Vader) brought five of her own guys in the mix, and the other ten were picked from auditions. And know you know... the rest of the back story. Good day!

Anyway, as with any reality show, the first episode or two isn't great because there are too many people involved and you haven't established favorites yet. I could go and detail what happened but it would be hella boring. Basically all the guys showed up at the mansion and they got their nicknames and they had a party and New York kicked five off the show at the end. The highlights of Episode One were:

Oh my God boobs!

1. New York's boobs

New York was wearing an outfit that was an unholy love child of a ice skater's outfit and a stripper costume, with the resulting effect of her huge fake tits gushing out of the top. Seriously, she needs to have those puppies registered as some sort of weapon because she was about to smother everyone in a 2-mile radius with her mighty cleavage.

2. Midget Mac

Yeah, they got a midget to be a contestant. When they've finished ringing out the entertainment value from him I hope they give him his own show because he actually stared down Sister Patterson instead of being scared of her like everyone else is. That would be tight. New York at one point wondered if he had "magical leprechaun powers."

3. Tailor Made

This was one of Sister Patterson's guys, and he was such a slimy douchebag that I shall refer to him evermore as The Doosh. New York said he "looked like a crooked bookie." The teaser for next week shows another guy slamming his head into a wall so hard his skull bounces. Score!

Behold and fear the glory that is The Entertainer's lumpy head. Fear it!

4. The Entertainer

Unfortunately, all of the guys who were 'voted' onto the show by the fans were really weird and ugly and a bunch of them got the boot in the first show. The Entertainer, who got to stay because he was the top fan choice, had a lumpy knot thing on his forehead and was pegged as a freak by Sister Patterson.

Things I'm Embarrassed To Like: VH1 Reality Shows

A few nights ago I caught the final episode of the 'Rock Of Love' reality show with Bret Michaels (of Poison) settling on mellow Jes over party-girl Heather. It wasn't a bad show, really, I watched the last half of the series and was reasonably entertained, but in comparison to the other VH1 reality shows 'Flavor or Love' and 'I Love New York', it was pretty weak.

I think most of the reason why it wasn't as good as the other ones was because Bret Michaels isn't a total character like Flavor Flav or New York (a.k.a. Tiffany Pollard). Back in the day I'm sure that Bret could've made for some totally wild-ass partying drama, but now he's a diabetic semi-washed-up rocker and, based on his choosing the much-quieter Jes over Stripper Barbie Heather, I'm guessing he knows his partying days are behind him and he wants someone who isn't going to need to bailed out of jail for indecent exposure and public drunkenness. Don't get me wrong, I actually thought Heather would have been a good choice for him because she... well... has a few miles on her, to put it mildly, and she had his named tattooed on her neck, but Jes has awesome Jem and the Holograms hair which would have made her my top choice too. Bret did seem like a cool cat, except he had the habit of mentioning that he wrote 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' like every single episode. It is a great song, possibly the best rock ballad to come out of the 80's, but dude, get over it, it was like 20 years ago. Live in the now! Plus, watching people who are cool and laid-back trying to date other people who are cool and laid-back is pretty boring after a while. I can watch the same kind of drama amongst my co-workers and there's not nearly as many commercials involved.

See what I mean? How could Jes not be picked, she is truly truly truly outrageous!


Now 'Flavor of Love', that's where it's at. Flavor Flav may be pushing 50 and so partied out that he looks like a leathery stick of beef jerky with gold teeth, but damn it if he isn't fun to watch. I mean, he wears a viking helmet and punctuates his serious discussions with "word" (which has since made into the Sea Hag lexicon). He has a giant metal dinosaur on his front lawn that wears a clock around its neck. It's a hot mess; what's not to like? I also think they did a better job of casting Flav's shows (and the 'I Love New York' spinoffs) with people who could generate controversy and drama without making it seem as staged as I'm sure it really is. I mean, both 'Flavor Of Love' shows had New York in them, and she was so infamous that they gave her two shows of her own. She was emotional and a total bitch, cunning and manipulative, but I have to respect someone who knows she's a complete hose beast and refuses to change for anyone. The only real 'troublemaker' in 'Rock Of Love' was Lacey, and she was a bitch too, but she just came off as a psychotic tattletale and lacked the fine scoundrel's heart New York has.

Fortunately for me the next season of 'I Love New York 2' starts Monday and it will be a radical empire to all which is radical. I am going to attempt to do an ongoing blog entry after each episode but we'll see how that goes.

I Hate Everyone: People In Commercials

So I was over on The Slate a few weeks ago reading the Ad Report Card and the guy who normally writes it is going on some sabbatical bullshit and I'm all upset about it because I have a total crush on him. I mean, he's such a funny, smart-ass writer that I'd totally sit on his face and I don't even know what the guy looks like, so that's how awesome he is.

Anyway, his parting article was a short collection of ads people hate. It was OK, but it made me think of the time in my high school English class my junior year when my teacher announced that she wished that she could put The Wolfman and Donna (two local people who sold furniture and did totally lame commercials for it) into a box and fly them into the center of the sun. So in honor of Mrs. Federovich and Seth Stevenson, I compiled my own list of People in Commercials Who I Wish I Could Put In A Box And Fly Into The Center Of The Sun:


1. The couple from the Sonic commercials

Sweet grape cream slush, if this is what marriage is like I'd rather try to beat myself to death with a New Balance sneaker. These ads show a couple who are sitting in the Sonic drive-in enjoying whatever the frosty drink special of the month is while they barely contain their contempt for each other. The wife is a stuck-up bitch and the husband is a total asstard, and therein lies the hilarity, I guess. I mean, the woman married the guy, how did she not realize the guy was an immature idiot? And what does she have to bitch about anyway, the guy takes her to Sonic all the time! How can anyone be pissy at a Sonic drive-thru? This one time they gave away FREE root beer floats! A girl who has this big tray of condiments walks around to all the cars and asks if you want more ketchup! There are few things more awesome than that.



2. The chorus from the Rondo commercials

First of all, Kias are just one step up from a roller skate. Second of all, 'Rondoism' is a totally stupid made-up word. Third, the people are singing around San Francisco and everyone knows that they only drive Toyota Priuses there. But most importantly, these people need to be destroyed because they're so damn loud: LET THE SUN SHINE IN! LEEEET THE SUN SHINE IN! THE SUUUUUN SHINE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

3. The 'Messin' With Sasquatch' guys

The theme of these commercials seems to be that if you eat Jack Links Beef Jerky you are a complete dickhead. And yes I know that Big Foot isn't real and it's just a guy in a suit that they're pulling pranks on, but it's comes across as being really mean-spirited and douche-y.



4. The guys dressed up like Whoppers on the Burger King commercials

First of all, these commercials are just plain stupid, and the latest one shows the Dad Whopper busting in on a Chicken Sandwich kid making out with his daughter, and he can't get through the bedroom door to kick the Chicken Sandwich kid's buns (heh). Um, why isn't his daughter a Burger King food product? And how did he get into the front door but not the bedroom door? Why did he buy a house that he couldn't fit through the doors anyway?



5. The Berries & Creme Starburst guy

This guy is just... so, so wrong. So very creepy. I get 'The Uh-oh Feeling' every time I see this commercial. Plus his irises have no color, so that's proof that he's the undead.

The Way I See It #265

A few days ago I was worshipping at the Cathedral of St. Arbucks when I noticed the following quotation on the side of my Cinnamon Dolce Latte:

Wild animals often do a much better job of caring for their offspring than we civilized and educated humans do. If we cannot keep children safe in their homes, how can we hope to make ourselves safe in the world?

-- Lee Grogg, Executive director of Ryther Child Center, an agency providing safe places and opportunities for children.

I never bothered reading Starbucks' version of Successories on my coffee cup because it's usually hidden under the cardboard sleeve, but a for the last few weeks I've been having worse-than-normal insomnia and on this particular day I had been up for nearly 38 hours so things were… a little weird. I mean, colors were a little brighter and I was hearing things before they actually made a sound. I was one with the infinite void, man, and on this day my coffee cup was talking to me and telling me to read the wit and wisdom of Lee Grogg. And so I did, and when I read it I knew that it was something that must be laughed and mocked mercilessly, but alas I was not in the state of mind to do so at the time, but before I stepped back into the swirling purple cosmos that unites us all- seriously, dude- I saved the cup.

Now, I am sure that this Ryther Child Center does a lot of good work and helps a lot of children out, but are they crazy? For most animal species, 'caring for their offspring' consists of them laying eggs in a warm hole in the ground and taking off. Most birds and mammals do raise their young but very often they will eat their young, or they shun the runts and let them starve, or they will purposely kill off a twin because they can't produce enough food to feed more than one baby.

So please, people, for the sake of the children, let's start a campaign to buy a TV and cable TV for The Ryther Center so that they can watch Animal Planet and stop saying such goofy-ass things to the coffee-drinking world.

Goodbye Robert Jordan

I was 18 when 'The Wheel of Time' came into my life.

I was a freshman in college then, and I was hanging around the famous (or infamous, depending on how well you know him) Hyperion, and he bought me a copy of the first book of Robert Jordan's 'The Wheel of Time' series, 'The Eye of the World', and demanded that I read it. (And if you do know Hyperion, demanded is a nice way of saying it.) I seem to recall that he also bought me a stuffed moose as a bribe to read this book.

This is the copy that Hyperion gave to me 11 years ago. It's seen better days.

I dragged my feet on reading it for about a month or so. It was a fantasy novel, which I typically didn't read, and a serial fantasy novel, which only the hopelessly dorky and eternally un-laid liked. But it seemed important to him (and he was bugging me about it day and night) so one day when I was doing my laundry at school I sat on top of a washing machine to guard my clothes from being thrown on the floor and started to read.

It started off with a typical fantasy beginning: a gawky teenager named Rand al'Thor going about his life, unaware that he's probably going to be a hero later on. Other main characters are introduced. Rand and his father are sitting at home minding their business several pages later, and as the spin cycle kicked in I wondered why it was that Hyperion was forcing me to read this boring shit... then the Trollocs knocked on Rand's door, changing his life and mine as well.

From that point on, I've been a fan of the series. I finished the first book the next day and inhaled the rest of the novels in the following months. I stayed up all night before my Chem I final to finish the fourth book, which had an ending that was so incredible that I cried. In the past few years my initial enthusiasm for the series cooled a bit, but I'd be one of the first to pick up the newest book when it came out and I had recommended it often to friends and family.

I guess it was only fitting that Hyperion was the one who first told me that Robert Jordan had passed away Sunday. The greatest sadness here lies in the fact that he never completed the series, and that all the side projects and other stories he had planned on doing would never come to light. But Jordan left behind a wonderful legacy in the Sea Hag universe, and that is the knowledge that the gift of a good book is a rare and precious thing. Since Hyperion bought me my own copy of 'The Eye of the World' (which has been read so many times it's falling apart and has to be held together by rubber bands) I have, in turn, shared or bought copies for my stepfather, my wasband, several friends, co-workers, and many ex-boyfriends, who, in turn, have gone on to suggest it to others. Jordan left behind a body of work that is awe-inspiring not in just sheer volume and scope, but in the way that people love the characters and the story so much that they feel compelled to share it with others.

But most of all, these books helped me forge a deep friendship with Hyperion that has lasted nearly 14 years, and it's the one topic we can always come back to and discuss no matter how much time or how many miles have been between us. And I think that's a great thing to leave behind.

Sandwich of the Gods

I happened to have a ripe tomato, slime-free lettuce, non-green bacon and unfuzzy bread on hand today so I made myself a BLT, and it was probably the best thing I've put in my mouth lately. So good, in fact, that I chose not only to blog about it, but to take a picture of it too.

More Dragon*Con goodness

This was the best costume I saw at Dragon*Con: Wonder Twin Jayna and her brother Zan, who had already transformed into a bucket of ice.

Don't blame him, he voted for the Brain Slug Party.

Very excellent 'Shaun Of The Dead' guys. It makes me wonder if they wanted to dress up like them because they already looked like them, or if they wanted to dress up like them at it was just luck that they looked like them anyway. Wait, did any of that make sense?

Cookie Monster and Franklin. Cookie Monster told me that he found his costume on eBay. I never got a chance to ask him why he was wearing a toga as well. But then, it might be better that I didn't know. Less therapy bills, you know?

Franklin and a dude whose badge name was The Gnome. He invited me to do a kilt check on him, which I somehow graciously managed to decline with the faint taste of barf in my mouth. Even more oddly, Jonathan had seen this guy before at IHOP.

Here's Jonathan being surrounded by more ladies. They just couldn't get enough of him.

Here's me being clever and rebellious. Take that, The Man!

I have no idea what this guy in the big yellow and red costume is supposed to be, but Jonathan knew and totally geeked out about him so I took a picture.

Lego dude! This was also a very excellent costume.

Sea Hag does Dragon*Con

I went to Dragon*Con on Friday, which is a huge nerd-stravaganza that's held every year in Atlanta, so of course my happy ass is all over that like a rat on a Cheeto. This year was my eighth (I think) time going, and much to my delight Noochie said he'd go with me. Just for the record,The Nooch is in no way interested in anything remotely nerdy, geeky, dweeby or dorky so this was pretty awesome of him. He was like a pilgrim in an unholy land. An unholy land full of girls dressed like fairies, goth kids, Trekkie fans, and sweaty men in 5x t-shirts whose only exposure to the female breast has been of the two-dimensional anime variety. Noochie is the bravest guy I know.

So we got there about 11 a.m. and to my surprise there were about nine million fellow nerds in line to get their credentials. I mean, most nerds don't get up until way after the crack of noon so I was pretty amazed that so many had showed up so early.

NERDS! I totally dug the dude with the Jayne costume on the right... and if you don't know who Jayne is, shame on you.

This is a little baby nerd dressed like Jango Fett we saw while we were waiting in line. Awwww!

Of course, it didn't surprise me that it took a little under two hours to get through the line, because Dragon*Con is a bit... well, I wouldn't say badly run, but it definitely has a bit of a chaotic element to it. I think this is because it's such a huge convention and that it relies almost completely on volunteers to do just about everything. Most of the reason it took us so long was because you had to fill out this form with your name and address and all that on it, then you paid one person, then you stood in a second line so that someone could put all your information in a computer, then you stood in a third line to get your badge printed up. Um... if anyone from Dragon*Con wants a suggestion, why don't you guys type that information into your computers after the con is over? I'll volunteer myself to do it. Anyway, it was all good, because it was totally worth it to hear the girl yell out "Sea Hag!" when my badge was printed.

Anyway, we went exploring after that, and we went to the Walk of Fame, which is where the celebrities hang out, and I met Gil Gerard of disco-fabulous Buck Rogers fame. He was a nice guy! I told him about watching Buck Rogers during my bout with boogers, and we talked about 'Amelie' for a bit too. Most celebrities that show up for cons are either very cool and have a good time meeting their fans, or they act like total asshats, which is a shame.

Franklin got to meet Gil Gerard too, and he thought he was a total class act.

After that, we went to one of the dealer's floors, where they sell all things great and nerdy. Noochie got some awesome movie posters. I walked by a table and saw stuff for the Owly comics. Now... I'm going to admit that last year I met Andy Runton, who draws Owly, and I had a total fangirl moment. I mean, was just a total tool and giggled and blushed and was in general a complete moron. Much to my relief, he wasn't there for me to embarrass myself again, but his nice girlfriend was, and she pointed out some of the super-cute stuff they had for sale, one of the items being the MOST AWESOME HAT EVER which looked like owl ears and had a little Wormy on the head too. If you go look at the comic you'll understand why this is so friggin' rad and why I had to buy one and wear it right then. Of course, after I bought it, Andy Runton came up and wanted a picture with me and my new hat, and I'm proud to say I didn't get all stupid on him again.

You can't look at this and not tell me that this isn't the best hat you've ever seen. I mean, it's so awesome that I put a picture of myself on my blog just so you could see it. I'm here with Andy Runton, the creator of Owly and a super-duper nice (and tall) guy. Go buy his stuff!

Shortly after the Awesome Hat Experience, Noochie had to go do some Noochie stuff, so I hung out with my friends John, Missy, and their friend Dean for a little bit then met my friend Jonathan for some beer in the bar at the Hyatt. Fun was had! Beer was drank! There were some Jägermeister girls there and we got all sorts of free stuff from them. There were also some Michael Collins girls there (apparently it's some kind of whiskey. Who the hell does shots of whiskey at a hotel bar?) and some Miller Lite girls too, who were...well, let's just say that out of all the Liquor Chicks, they were definitely the 'light beers' of the bunch.

Jonathan and the Jäger Girls. Jonathan had chicks all over him all night long, even with me sitting there inadvertently cock-blocking, because that's just how totally sexy he is. He's single, ladies!

After much beer, we wandered the con and saw crazy people and sat through a viewing of the 'musical' episode of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and I somehow wound up getting free parking in Atlanta, which is a miracle in and of itself.

Tomorrow: More con pics!