Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York (Episode 1)

See how I told you a few days ago that I would try to do a weekly recap of 'I Love New York 2'? Seriously, it's down there, right below this post. See it? OK. Told you so.

I guess I should explain this show first to the uninitiated. OK, a few years ago there was a reality show called 'The Surreal Life' which had washed-up and B-list actors, singers, models, porn stars, athletes and whoever else just finished their 15 minutes of fame competing for... money? A house? Candy? I don't remember, but it's not important. The whole show was just watching people with disproportionately huge egos learn about life and love. (Not really, all they did was bitch at each other and it was funny.) Anyway, one season they had Flavor Flav of Public Enemy and Brigette Nielson who was in some '80s movies (and is Sylvester Stalone's ex-wife), as two of the contestants. They wound up getting into some sort of... oh, let's call it a relationship, and they got their own spin-off show called 'Strange Love' which I've never seen but I'm sure was full of good times and noodle salad.

Anyway, their relationship didn't work out so VH1 had Flav do a show called 'Flavor of Love' which was a dating show where 20 women competed against each other to date Flavor Flav. The final two contestants were a girl called Hoopz and also New York, who had made a name for herself by being the biggest, nuttier-than-a-Claxton-fruitcake bitch possible. New York lost, but Flavor Flav wound up doing a second 'Flavor of Love' show and somehow New York got put back in the mix... where she made it to the final two contestants... where she lost yet again. So they gave her her own show called 'I Love New York' where her final two guys were a punk-ass named Chance and much more mature Tango (who was also known as Ninja Turtle). She chose Tango, who promptly dumped her ass at the reunion show. Which brings us to 'I Love New York 2', a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off. Also, this time around, the 'twist' with the contestants was that five of them were chosen online by fans (and by 'fans' I mean it was totally rigged). Then New York's mom Sister Patterson (a.k.a. Darth Vader) brought five of her own guys in the mix, and the other ten were picked from auditions. And know you know... the rest of the back story. Good day!

Anyway, as with any reality show, the first episode or two isn't great because there are too many people involved and you haven't established favorites yet. I could go and detail what happened but it would be hella boring. Basically all the guys showed up at the mansion and they got their nicknames and they had a party and New York kicked five off the show at the end. The highlights of Episode One were:

Oh my God boobs!

1. New York's boobs

New York was wearing an outfit that was an unholy love child of a ice skater's outfit and a stripper costume, with the resulting effect of her huge fake tits gushing out of the top. Seriously, she needs to have those puppies registered as some sort of weapon because she was about to smother everyone in a 2-mile radius with her mighty cleavage.

2. Midget Mac

Yeah, they got a midget to be a contestant. When they've finished ringing out the entertainment value from him I hope they give him his own show because he actually stared down Sister Patterson instead of being scared of her like everyone else is. That would be tight. New York at one point wondered if he had "magical leprechaun powers."

3. Tailor Made

This was one of Sister Patterson's guys, and he was such a slimy douchebag that I shall refer to him evermore as The Doosh. New York said he "looked like a crooked bookie." The teaser for next week shows another guy slamming his head into a wall so hard his skull bounces. Score!

Behold and fear the glory that is The Entertainer's lumpy head. Fear it!

4. The Entertainer

Unfortunately, all of the guys who were 'voted' onto the show by the fans were really weird and ugly and a bunch of them got the boot in the first show. The Entertainer, who got to stay because he was the top fan choice, had a lumpy knot thing on his forehead and was pegged as a freak by Sister Patterson.