Recap: Sea Hag Loves New York 2 (Episode 3)

To start off this episode, The Doosh tries, unsuccessfully, to start some shit with The Entertainer involving Midget Mac. I don't understand the whole 'I'm going to make myself look better by making everyone else look like shitheads" mentality, and clearly The Doosh doesn't either. He isn't smart enough to do it right, everyone in the house could easily kick his ass up and down the street and he picks the wrong people to mess with, like The Entertainer, who does not attend The School Of Laying Down And Sucking Shit For The Sake Of Being Nice. I'm beginning to like him more, in spite of his lumpy head.

Ass Biscuit and The Doosh are singled out by Buddha and the other guys as People Who Are Oxygen Thieves and they decide to prank them. They set up a fake challenge at 1 a.m. that says that the last guy who remains standing outside gets to have breakfast with New York when she gets up. So all of the guys play along with it and get dressed up and stand outside by the pool. And stand there. And stand there. And stand there, until the sun comes up and New York comes out to smoke her morning cigarette and tells Ass Biscuit and The Doosh, the last two left standing, that they got their asses good and punked. It was great for two reasons: it was a clever prank and my hatred for The Doosh and Ass Biscuit has been validated. Buddha for president!

Another classy morning in Flavor Country.

There was a challenge later with the guys being split into 4 groups to pitch ideas to expand on the New York Empire. Isn't New York already the Empire State? That is kind of confusing. Anyway, it's all pretty stupid, one team decides to promote a New York iPod, one does a New York perfume (when someone asks them what it would smell like, I almost hemmoraged from laughing at the possiblities for that one. Menthol? Weave Glue? Does the end of your fifteen minutes of fame have a fragrance?), one does a New York clothing line and the last one wants to do a Blaxploitation film called "B.A.B." (that's Bas Ass Bitch, for those of you not paying attention at home) starring New York as "N.Y. Tiffahontas." Awesome.

Of course, the Tiffahontas group is composed of my favorites: Cheezy, Ass Biscuit and The Doosh, and they win. The prize? Two dates with New York, one being a solo date for the person who contributed the most to the project, and a group date for the other two. New York decides that The Doosh will get the solo date, much to Cheezy's whiny dismay as he pretty much came up with the entire idea and The Doosh merely presented it in using his best I'm Selling Time Share Condos pitch. They both tattle to New York and she picks The Doosh because he's "the one I want to fuck." This is why I enjoy her so much.

Nothing says lovin' like stainless steel.

So they go on their date and New York gives The Doosh this necklace that looks like she broke the handle off my grandmother's gravy ladle. The next day Ass Biscuit and Whine 'N' Cheezy go and have sexy pictures taken with New York. Ass Biscuit keeps licking everything with his mucus tongue.

Ewwwww.

When New York comes back to the mansion, she finds that The Entertainer has a bubble bath going for her, so she gets in with him and he starts sucking New York's hammer toes. I would like to take a moment to thank them both for keeping their clothes on in the tub, though I must admit The Entertainer has a pretty nice body. Then The Doosh comes in and busts up the party by being, well, himself.

Nom nom nom.

Eliminations come around. Whine 'N' Cheezy and Man Man get kicked off. I'm not sad to see either go. Since The Doosh and Ass Biscuit take up so much of my recap (and my undying hatred) I guess I should go ahead and mention all the guys who are left in the house right now:

Buddha

20 Pack

Pretty

Punk

The Entertainer

Midget Mac

Mr. Wise

Wolf

Ass Biscuit

The Doosh

Next week: The Doosh gets picked on more. I weep with pleasure.