Monday, August 13, 2007

Mmm... sacrelicious (or, WWJTL?)

In my previous entry about how I'm a whore for candy and if I ruled the world there would be Christmas-themed Skittles, darling reader Dragon wondered just what would a Jesus Skittle taste like?

If Jesus tasted like a sandwich, he'd definitely have three kinds of cheese and bacon and lots of spicy brown mustard.

My initial thought was that Jesus would taste like cinnamon rolls hot from the oven. I have absolutely no idea why I thought that. But if the Son of God had a flavor, would there be anything better than hot, fresh, ooey-gooey cinnamon rolls?

Or maybe I thought that because of the strong connection Jesus has to baked goods. He did claim that he was the bread of life (John 6:35) and he multiplied loaves of bread to feed 5000 people (John 6:11-12). There's also his strong predilection to appear to people on bready items such as tortillas and grilled cheese sandwiches. So maybe Jesus would taste like a nice loaf of sourdough.

Jesus' association to bread is also symbolic one, as bread is a staple of many diets, so then should Jesus be as important in your daily existence (or so Christians would believe.) But then, bread being central to a diet is a cultural thing too. There are many people in the world who don't consume bread daily, but consider other types of food as being the basis of their meals. If you consider this, then in Asia Jesus could taste like a bowl of rice, or in Central Africa, could taste like fufu.

Going back to John 6:11-12, Jesus might have created the first Filet-O-Fish by handing out fish as well as bread to the hungry. There is also a strong Jesus - fish connection in Christianity, as Jesus is sometimes referred to as a fisherman or a 'fisher of men' (Matthew 4:18-20). Even if you've never heard of John 6:11-12 or the fisherman allusion, you've no doubt seen those metal Jesus fish things (also known as an ichthys) on people's cars. So maybe Jesus would taste like a nice, cool piece of salmon sashimi or a can of Chicken of the Sea (dolphin safe, of course).

Of course, one religion's main purposes is to provide solace to people (or as Karl Marx said, be the opium of the people) so that people who do have faith might think that Jesus could taste like their favorite comfort food: macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, chicken noodle soup, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Cap'n Crunch, grandma's meat loa f, whatever. Since Jesus is also responsible for most of our major holidays, you might associate his potential flavor with a delicious spiral-cut Honeybaked Ham, Marshmallow Peeps , hollow chocolate bunnies, fruitcake, candy canes and sugar cookies. The flip side to all of that would be the people who have been victimized by organized religion, who could think that Jesus would taste like tears, dust, blood, bitterness, or pimento cheese (one of the most disgusting food items known to man).

Fuckin' rad lolcat illustration by Michael, who thinks that Jesus would taste like a nice pinot noir.

There's always the literal answer to What Would Jesus Taste Like, of course. Having never taken a bite of Our Saviour (or any other person), I would have to guess that Jesus could taste like chicken, though honestly I think that humans would taste more like pork chops. If you believe in transubstantiation and communion rites, then you might think that Jesus literally tastes like communion wafers and wine.

In the end, I guess What Would Jesus Taste Like would come down to your personal experiences, much like religion itself. So what do you think Jesus would taste like? Would he be delicious? Sweet? Savory? Nougat-filled? Covered with rainbow sprinkles? Leave some comments!


Noochie said...

Myrrh. Yummy, nougat-filled myrrh. With a Tootsie Roll center.

Dragon said...

My first instinct was to think of fish....grilled salmon with warm flat bread and a glass of red wine. Jesus is yummy.

Sparky Duck said...

you could go with the catholic church version of jesus, but I dont find a clamor for a cardboard skittle

Hyperion said...

This is nicely written and I'm very proud of you, but fess up: your read more of the Bible to write this than all the rest of your life combined.

As for the big guy, how could there be doubt that he would taste like beef jerky?

Of course Dessert Jesus would taste like Graitch.

then there's a sub from Rocky's.....