Sunday, August 12, 2007

From the diaries of Dr. Sea Hag, Archaeologist:

10 August 2007

I was conducting an archaeological dig of the refrigerator section of the Kitchen last night when I came across an unknown substance lurking on the bottom shelf. Indeed, I was intrigued by the multi-globed, vivid green mass that was contained in a clear, plastic-like container. After careful examination, I discovered that there was a word printed on the 'bag', identifying its contents as GRAPES.

We may never uncover the great mystery that is the GRAPE.

What are these GRAPES? In my many years of studies I have come across - yes, and lustily consumed - several foodstuffs that had been categorized as being "grape-flavoured", but these round, luscious clusters in no way resembled the violet-hued candies and syrups I have known previously from various Skittles bags and grape-creme slushies from Sonic... the GRAPES were secured in a "crisper drawer" for safe keeping until I could research this marvelous find.

11 August 2007

Spent an exhausting day studying the great GRAPE find from yesterday. I came across an ancient text in the early hours of the morning that has helped us understand this unusual object:

A grape is a fruit that grows on the vines of the family Viteace. Grapes grow in clusters of 6 to 300, and can be black, blue, golden, green, purple, red, pink, brown, peach or white. They can be eaten raw or used for making jam, grape juice, jelly, wine, and grape seed oil.

FRUIT! I had heard about these once, many years ago during my studies at Choate. My sophomore roommate, a Miss Nora Whytten-Bosworth, claimed that her svelte figure could be attributed to her enthusiastic consumption of these 'fruits' as well as multiple plates of something she called 'salad'. I had previously believed these terms were coded jargon that she employed to cover the unsavory extra-curricular activities she conducted on her knees or during the mornings when she woke up in a puddle of her own sick in the water closet.

12 August 2007

After much deliberation with the faculty of the university, I have ordered a few of my students to consume a GRAPE while I observed them. All of them seemed to have a most unfavourable reaction to this news, leading me to believe that the GRAPES were most unsatisfactory to the taste buds and, in fact, caused the consumer a great deal of outward hostility and uncontrollable vulgar language. Such comments I observed were:

  • What an idiot
  • What a fucking idiot
  • What a motherfucking idiot
  • I am too hung over for this shit right now
  • This class is such a waste of time

My exploration of the GRAPE is just beginning! This is an exciting time for me.


Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I've never seen a 6 grape cluster before.

Dragon said...

What an important find! This will make you famous some day.

Hyperion said...

You're a sad strange little woman. You have my pity.

(However, grape Popsicles rule!)

Sparky Duck said...

but grapes are in wine. Everyone has tried wine havent they?