Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I still have issues

In glancing at my blog entry from a few days ago (yeah, all those site hits? Like 1900 of them are mine), I realized that my list of Food Network People I'd Bang wouldn't be any good without a list of people from Food Network I wouldn't sleep with to serve as a basis for comparison. So here it is:

Food Network People I Wouldn't Bang With a Loaner Pussy

5. Giada De Laurentiis

Or, as I call her, Lollipop Head. Actually, she's not that bad, her recipes have been pretty decent and her show is pretty good, but what put her on the list is that she is one of those people who has had a charmed life and you just want to punch her in her big planetoid head. Oh, you're the granddaughter of a big movie producer and you grew up in a rich family! Oh, your family wanted you to be an actress but you turned it down to go to culinary school in Paris! Now you work on TV and get to travel the world and rub it in everyone's face on 'Giada's Weekend Getaways'! Oh, and you turned out to be pretty on top of all that! Actually, she might be good for a grudge-fuck, come to think of it.

4. Duff Goldman

Just because his chin looks like it got a Brazilian wax and his show is just a 30-minute long commercial for his bakery. I would, however, totally get it on with the redheaded secretary.

3. Sandra Lee

Besides her unhealthy obsession with canned cake frosting and vodka-based mixed drinks, this woman is the poster child for meth. Seriously, she doesn't blink! And every show she does her outfit matches the set. Every. Little. Detail. Matches. Her earrings, the napkin holders, everything! I mean, who has time to go out and buy all this shit and obsess over every tiny thing? Someone smoking meth, that's who! If she's not on crank, I think she's the undead.

2. Gail Gand

Oh, there's nothing much wrong with her in the looks department, and I'm not entirely sure why I think this, but she just seems be someone who is really kinda clingy and needy. Like someone who would call you seven times and send you thirteen e-mails the day after you slept with her. Also, her show is boring and her recipes are too tedious and difficult. Sorry, I don't have 3 hours to make decorative sugar floss for the chocolate cake that took me 2 days to bake. I'm all about the Betty Crocker, baby, and that's why our love could never work. It's not you... it's me.

1. Michael Chiarello

If you looked up 'douchebag' in the dictionary, you'd come up with this guy. Seriously, he's such an asshole that on New Year's Eve Ryan Adams blogged about how stuck-up he was. He's one of those guys who owns a winery and acts as though you're the biggest piece of crap ever if you aren't currently investing all of your time and money into growing your own vintage in your backyard. The show is basically him making fussy, yuppie food for endless dinner parties. I'm sorry, but I've never been to someone's house for a 'dinner party' before. I'm not going to force a friend of mine to cook for a group of picky-ass eaters and then get stuck with a pile of dishes and crappy leftovers that no one wants. No, we go out to eat at a crappy chain restaurant like Applebee's, damn it! We willingly pay $12 for pasta that is one step up from Top Ramen because we're Americans and that's how we roll! He also did a show where he cooked for a bunch of kids and he made some crazy-ass lasagna and grilled chicken things. The kids all looked like they were about to cry. I don't have kids but I know enough that no kid wants to try any new food ever. Just make hot dogs and fries, man! Michael Chiarello, you can take your Fennel Spice Chips and your heirloom tomatoes and cram them your up your Pilates-sculpted butt.


Dragon said...

And here I was going to invite you to my house for a dinner party....never mind.

One thing about Chiarello that bugs me is his incessant use of gray salt. He will not use any other kind of salt. I've tried to find it in grocery stores and specialty shops, but you can't. You have to order it online and it’s expensive.

He is a pretentious SOB.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Well if Ryan says he's an ass then I totally have to agree.

Hyperion said...

The "wouldn't fuck them with a stolen dick" list (vis a vis the Food Network, anyway), pretty much begins and ends with Bobby Flay. He runs a daily contest with Nancy Grace for the "Would most like to see get sodomized to death with a rhino" award.

As for Giada, fuck you and your people! She is class incarnate, and you'd be lucky just to sniff her panties!

As for Sandra Lee, I admit that chick is a few skittles shy of a rainbow, but I find her oddly compelling. Whether it's wondering how she will change both her hair and her curtains each day (not to mention her "tablescape,"), or just waiting for her head to explode with OCD, I am really enjoying her. I think the chances of dying with Sandra Lee (in bed) are huge, but it'd be worth it.

By the way, both the Food Network Fuck-fest and the "people on cable you hate" would make great top ten lists. I think I'll steal it, giving you credit, of course.

tiff said...

Sea Hag? You fucking ROCK. This is wonderful list.

Though if he's still on FN, I'd have to add Mario Batelli. That dude givves me the shiverin' jibblies.

Sparky Duck said...

Sandra Lee is out of her mind and now I know that it must be the crystal meth!

Anonymous said...

i hope you are happy..poor michael stays up night worrying amount your opinion