Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I Hate Everyone!

You know what? A blog just isn't a blog unless it has one thing: a good, slobbering, slightly psychotic rant! In fact, I should do a weekly-ish thing in which I direct my laser beams of scorn upon a specific victim or victims so they may feel my wrath!

The Weekly Doofus Award Winner: My Neighbors

There's a couple who live across the hall from my apartment. My first impression of them while I was moving in was their welcome mat, which had several plastic grocery store bags knotted on it. Judging by the smell and the swarm of insects this small pile produced, I'd say these little presents were full of poop. Yes, poop. It was a regular shit fiesta by their front door. I'm assuming they have some sort of small dog or cat or um... marmoset in there, and did not relish the idea of having animal crap sitting in the trash in their house, which I totally understand, but they just put it all outside of their front door, where it proceeded to stink up the entire second floor breezeway.

A few days later, these classy people finally decided to remove Mt. Saint Feces from the hallway (but I'd like to point out that they will still occasionally leave some shit outside overnight for all of us to enjoy, which is good, because I do get nostalgic for that rotten ass smell sometimes). However, I noticed that the welcome mat, now that it was not covered in butt nuggets, was actually a bath mat.

A bath mat, people! It has like, a bunch of hot air balloons on it, like they swiped it from one of their little brother's bathrooms or something. I hadn't mentioned yet, but these two are some of the most cliched emo dorks I've ever seen... and I've seen a lot of emo dorks. I mean, they're rockin' the shoe-polish black hair and plastic framed glasses and faux-faded band t-shirts and everything. They look like a Death Cab For Cutie video barfed on them. So anyway, I'm sure the bathmat thing is some sort of ironic statement or something.

See! I am not kidding, it's a BATH MAT! Fortunately for you, I took this on a turd-free day.

Also, their car is one of the biggest pieces of junk I've ever seen, full of trash and all banged up on the side and covered in Homestar Runner stickers. But, they got a nice new car a few days ago. Do you want to know how I know it's their car? They transferred the stickers over! What better way to celebrate the fact that you just bought a brand-new $23,000 automobile (emo-mobile? emo-bile?) than to slap some stickers on it? Oh, and by the way...the old car is still sitting in the parking lot, so they're taking up an extra space with their old, scabby, too-good-for-brakelights heap.

And so, this week I direct my loathing at my neighbors. I hate you so very, very much, neighbors.

2 comments:

JW said...

I hate everyone too, so I'm sure I'd loathe your neighbors if I ever ran into them at a Jimmy Eat World vinyl release show or something.

By the way, The Ass Nuggets would be a great name for an emo band.

Deth said...

So I assume no mat is better then a bath mat right...