Friday, January 09, 2009

Wow, I Haven't Blogged Since Last Year!

Man, that joke is always funny every year. It's a shame that it only has shelf-life of early January, tops.

Yeah, so, about that gap in blogging... a lot has been going on in The Sea Hag 'Verse that my lawyers have advised me against posting about, for my blogs can be used against me later in a court of law, but I can tell you this: do not go to Vegas and drink White Russians alone in Caesar's Palace or you might find yourself married to a Jewish stranger from Austin, Texas who claims to be working on a deal between Manischewitz and Office Depot to manufacture envelopes with glue that is both grape-flavored and kosher.

This is the one and only wedding photo we got. We had a drunk Rodeo Nationals guy take it. You could have served Christmas dinner on his belt buckle. He was so hammered he took this craptacular picture and then turned around and started to pee in a potted plant. And yes, that appears to be a viking horn on my head, and no, I didn't marry Flavor Flav.

Actually, as far as husbands go, he wasn't that bad! He had a respectable amount of teeth, held my hair back when I puked on my Chucks, and he helped me steal a washcloth off of the housekeeper's cart to clean them off. Honestly, I would have been content to have stayed with him until at least the SXSW Festival but apparently when we both sobered up he remembered that he was already married and there was some sort of polygamy thing that is generally frowned upon by Jewish Santa or "the law" or some such shit, so we had to get a divorce. Ah well, I will always remember him as my favorite wasband of 2008... whatever his name was. Mazel Tov, dude. We'll always have Pai Gow.

Anyway, now that that's all taken care of (well, as much as I can legally admit to here, anyway) and I've sobered up from all of the Pre-Divorce Sob-Fest Parties, Post-Divorce Celebration Parties and New Years Parties, it's time to take stock of my life and figure out how to make Sea Hag better in 2009:

1. No more new piercings for a year.
I've got to coat myself in anti-bacterial soap like three times a day and it's getting expensive. I need to let my current holes heal before I get any new ones.

2. Take random pictures without looking in the viewfinder.
I'm going to put the 'point-and-click' back in point-and-click. I'm going to take my digital camera with me and just snap off some random shots and see what I get. I think it'll be a neat project. Here's some from my living room:

3. Listen to more Journey.
I am in desperate need of more Vitamin Steve Perry.

4. Go on a a 2-week Candy Detox.
In addition to making poor matrimonial choices in 2008, my ass size hit Threat Level Orange. I'm not like every other douchepacker out there blasting through Target on the way to the organic yoga pants section, but clearly I need to curb my candy-loric intake. So, starting tomorrow I am going on a 2-week Candy Detox! Only healthy candy for me, thank you very much! Say goodbye to high-fructose corn syrup and hello to my new friends hemp, carob and soy! Share in my joy as I blog daily about how much better I feel when I eat things that are good and good for me! OH BOY I CAN'T WAIT.

Oh, and that whole Crab Odyssey thing? Yeah. Turns out some of them are starting to molt. Basically they shed their little exoskeletons in one piece and they curl up tight in the backs of their shells while they wait for their new shells to harden up. Why does this make the crabs act like they ate the brown acid? Well, think of when you've gone to one of those all-you-can-cram buffets and they have the crab legs, and you have one that you crack open just right and you pull out that perfect slippery piece of crab meat. Yeah, that's what the crabs are like right after they've molted. One big piece of sweet, floppy crab meat... that the other crabs are dying to dunk in melted butter and devour. Seriously, they were all wearing little bibs with pictures of themselves on them. I had to make a little fence around the molting ones out of a plastic water bottle to protect them from the other ones, and those little bastards still tried to dig a hole underneath it! I think one was trying to bake a cake with a file in it too.

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