Candy Ramadan: Day 2

I started off the day right by having one of my favorite candies for breakfast: Cow Tales. Nothing like three Cow Tales and a giant cup of coffee to get you going at at the crack of noon!

For you poor, unfortunate souls out there who have never had a luscious Cow Tale pass through your lips (and your lower intestine), it's a long rope of caramel filled with sumptuous white cream filling, kinda like the filling of an Oreo. It's just sugar wrapped in sugar and therefore a radical empire to all which is radical.

Yes, I know a lot of you are thinking they are the same thing as Caramel Creams, and while the concept is the same (and they're made by the same company), I think the caramel is much softer with Cow Tales and also the Tales are dusted lightly with a white powdery substance which helps them not stick to the candy wrapper. The wrapper claims that it's some sort of corn starch or flour or some such shit but I'm pretty sure there's gotta be heroin mixed in there because I crave these suckers like a mofo.

I think part of what makes these things so good is their limited availability in this area, and then half the time when you do find them they're all stale and gross. The mark of an excellent candy emporium is directly equivalent to the freshness of their Cow Tales. (I found these ones at Jo-Ann Fabrics. I need to go to Jo-Ann Fabrics more often, it is an untapped candy reservoir.) Whenever I see Cow Tales at a store I give them a little squeeze to see if they are soft and pliant. There is nothing more disappointing than biting into a hard Cow Tale. It's like eating a caramel candle. A caramel candle basted in my own bitter tears.


Cow Tales come in a few more flavors, but I've only tried one other one, the Caramel Apple one. God, that was so good. But I only ever found them at some truck stop in Florida a few years ago and since then I've spent an embarrassing amount of time searching for them. It's like Candy Sasquatch. And I know I can probably just order a metric fuck-ton online, but... it's just not the same, man.