Sunday, January 11, 2009

Candy Detox: Day 2

I had no idea what the fuck a mulberry was when I bought these things, but so far I'd never met a berry I didn't like: blueberry, strawberry, cranberry, raspberry, blackberry, Boo Berry, Halle Berry; it's all good. Plus, it was covered in dark chocolate, so in spite of all the goofy Earth-humper sayings on the package I bought a pack of Organic Dark Chocolate Covered Mulberries at Whole Foods to try.

Well, they certainly smelled wonderful when I opened the bag, and I totally appreciate any sack o' snacks that thoughtfully includes a handy little zip-top so you don't have to shame your self by snorting them down in one sitting. Maybe these would be my "thing" from now on. I'd be that girl who eats the chocolate-covered mulberries. "I'm going to Whole Foods to get some more Dark Chocolate Covered Mulberries. You know I've just got to have my Dark Chocolate Covered Mulberries."

Oh, but then I tasted one. First off, the package claimed that these things were "purely nourishing chewy sweetness." I didn't bother even reading the nutritional value of these things, but they sure as fuck weren't chewy. They were totally crunchy on the inside. Crunchy like exosketeton crunchy. And let me be the first to tell you that mulberries taste wonderfully of hand soap. Yum yum. So tangy! So bitter! And the taste willl linger on your tongue and the back of your teeth in spite of repeat tooth brushings thanks to the exuberant amount of "Pure Food Glaze" (organic and FairTrade Certified by BCS Oko-Garantie GmbH!) that will coat your entire digestive tract.

So, fuck mulberries. Fuck 'em right in the ear.

4 comments:

bonnjill said...

Hi Sea Hag,

I'm enjoying the Detox thus far. Thanks for the chuckles! I look forward to many more... I love my healthy candy with a side of sarcastic.

Jeff said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Noochie said...

But the real question is, did you put the chocolate mulberries in your new bacon and egg bag when you purchased them?

Sea Hag said...

bonnjill!! Welcome back, chicky chicky!!

And of course I put it in my bacon bag, Nooch. I put everything in there. EVERYTHING.