Candy-cation! Day 4

OK, seriously this is the best place in the whole world. This is a little chocolate shop in St. Maarten owned by a diminutive Belgian woman named Beatrix, which is an awesome name. She makes all the candy in-shop. I can't explain to you how unbelievable this place smells. She needs to charge admission just to get a whiff. But not only does she let you come in the store for free, she feeds you candy. Free candy. FREE AWESOME CANDY.

She let me have a piece of what she called 'her version of fudge'. In spite of the fact that I'm a raging sugar slut, fudge just doesn't really do it for me. It's gritty and it's so sweet that you can't even taste the chocolate. But not this fudge. It was so incredibly good and smooth and creamy. And free! I stood around for a long time, looking over all the chocolates in the store and chatting with Beatrix, secretly hoping that she would just adopt me so I could live in this Chocolate Nirvana forever. I would totally be her indentured servant. She probably thought I was a moron, but she gave me some more candy so I didn't care. I bought two huge boxes of chocolate to take back. There are all kinds of amazing fillings for these things, in milk, dark, and white chocolates. Also! She makes chocolate boobies and penises. Hee hee!

Where is Sea Hag?

I know I've been slack about posting here lately, but I started partying for my 30th early and I've just sobered up enough to post this. After I finish cleaning up the barf and paying off the strippers I will tell you all about it. And I want to give everyone my unending love for all the happy birthday wishes. You guys rock!

What will this upcoming year of Sea Hag Eats It bring?

• Finishing Candy-cation!
• Reviewing new candy
• Start a new section called Suck It, Candy!
• Cook with candy
• Do a Candy Detox
• Continuing Operation: Af-Candy-Stan
• And this:

Candy-cation! Day 3

I saw this baby and, because of the dark packaging, assumed that it was a dark chocolate version of a Mars bar. Hooray! And when was the last time I had a Mars bar, anyway? I couldn't even remember. So I bought it and was happy as a biscuit at the prospect of yumming it down.

When I opened it I saw that it wasn't dark chocolate but regular old milk chocolate. That was OK though, because the bar was actually two smaller bars, but together they were bigger than a U.S. Mars bar. Bonus candy! Yet another example of the candy superiority of Europe! Then I took a bite... and it tasted like a Milky Way bar! Where the hell were the almonds? Was it possible that I got the Mars bar confused with another candy? If so, what candy bar was I think of? How could I have possibly gotten confused? Candy's like the only thing I know about! Was this the sign of The Apocalypse? Was the end nigh? Some people claimed that there was candy to blame... but I know it was, somehow, my own damn fault. I spent the rest of my day in a rum-soaked stupor, wondering what the name of that almond candy bar was called.

I saw my dad later that day and he was eating a Mars bar in it's deceptive, evil black packaging. "Hey Dad, what was the name of that candy bar that was like a Snickers but it had almonds instead?"

He frowned around his mouthful of nougat and chocolate. "You know, I could have sworn it was a Mars bar but this one doesn't have the almonds."

"So did I!"

"I've actually been wondering all day what this one tastes like."

"It tastes like a Milky Way."

"Yeah! So what was the one with the almonds?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad I'm not going crazy."

"Me, too."

Then we hugged and I figured that if I had just caused the end of the world I was glad to have had this bonding time with my dad. Later that day I got on the internet and did a little research. Know why I haven't had a Mars bar in a long time? They don't make them in the States anymore. It's called a Snickers with Almonds now. And you know what the call Milky Ways in Europe? Yeah. A Mars bar. Thanks a lot, you butt stains from Mars, Incorporated, you almost drove my family insane.

Candy-cation! Day 2

What's so great about St. Maarten (besides the nude beaches and the fact that rum is literally cheaper than bottled water) is that they import all of the good candy from Europe. I know you can get things like Ritter Sport candy and Nestles products in the U.S., and I know I'm going to sound like a completely unoriginal candy snob, but it's all totally different than what's available in Europe. Take, for example, Cadbury candy. You might only be familiar with the Creme Eggs, but they actually make a buttload of other stuff that is much more delicious (Cadbury Bunny forgive me for saying so). The chocolate they use for the European stuff is richer, creamier and not as sweet as its American counterparts.

I love this guy.

I've already had most of the Cadbury offerings on previous trips so I decided to try the Cadbury Picnic Bar. There were actually two different Cadbury bars at the Shell station that I hadn't tried, so it was a toss-up between the Picnic Bar and the Crunchie Bar. I'm glad I went with the Picnic Bar because it turns out that the Crunchie Bar is the twin of the Violet Crumble. Ewww! I barely avoided catastrophe there. (Since I've finished the Candy Ramadan celebration I no longer have to seek out new candies to obtain nougat-like spiritual fulfillment, but after a month of doing so it's become a hard habit to break. I didn't even realize I was purposely avoiding candy I'd already tried until the end of my vacation. Oh well.)

Anyway, the Picnic Bar. It's a chocolate bar with peanuts and raisins and caramel and puffed rice. Totally delicious. It does look like a big turd, though, especially with all the peanuts in it, but I guess all chocolate bars kinda do (kinda doo?) Also I've been spelling 'Picnic' as 'Picinic' and was wondering why the spellcheck was freaking out. Apparently I was taught to spell by Yogi Bear.

Candy-cation! Day 1

My Candy-cation started off awesome. When I was on the plane to St. Maarten I spotted a girl who had the best suitcase I'd ever seen:

I wanted to ask her where she got it and see if she was my spiritual candy sister, but she ran off before I could talk to her and possibly steal her luggage. After an exhaustive internet search for this bag I found out that it's made by Betsey Johnson and it's expensive as hell. But, my birthday is coming up so... *cough*present*cough*.

Anyway, after I got to my condo I went to a little deli to get some drinks and snacks, and I found these things:

Being that St. Maarten is half Dutch and half French, I'm guessing these are a Dutch candy. I don't know, maybe it's German. All I know is that these things are basically a lemon, orange, or strawberry Starburst smashed together with a black licorice candy. Apparently Europeans love black licorice. I found all kinds of black licorice-y candies all over the island, including Black Licorice Mentos and something called 'Licorice Allsorts' (pictured on the right). Don't get me wrong, I dig black licorice too, my toothpaste even has an anise flavor, but I sure as hell wouldn't go out of my way to purchase an entire bag of black jelly beans. That's pretty filthy.

These candies were strange. The fruit candy part was pretty good, and the licorice part was good too, but I just didn't think they went together very well and they turned my teeth black. Plus this was one of those weird bags of bottomless candy, like no matter how much I ate there was always more and more, so I threw it away finally because it was freaking me out. I mean, I didn't look inside the bag for fear that I might glimpse a parallel universe where Starbursts and black licorice were somehow wedded in confectionery bliss. Who knows what other kinds of wacky candy combinations could have come out of that bag had I kept it? That's heavy stuff, man.

Reading group! I sure hope that everyone read 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody. There's actually not too much in the way of candy action in this book, but it's a book about strippers so you know it's pretty much the best book ever. I totally have a girl crush on Diablo Cody. Oooh, wouldn't 'Candy Girl' make an awesome tattoo? I think so.

Next book: "Candy And Me: A Love Story" by Hilary Lifton

Sea Hag's triumphant return!

Hello all you wonderful people! Your favorite Sea Hag is finally back, and when I'm done getting all the beach sand out of my crevices I will tell you how my Candy-cation went.

In the mean time, the very sexy people at candyaddict.com did an article about me! I am an internet celebrity, just like that that girl who farts on cakes and that cat who wants cheeseburgers! For anyone who has wandered over here from Candy Addict and left a nice comment, I really appreciate it! And for anyone who has been reading before I sold out, you get lots of Hipster-Cred Points.

Candy Ramadan: Day 30

I had been saving this particular candy for this special day: the last day of Candy Ramadan. These are Pinor Noir Chocolate Covered Cherries that my dad bought for me in Sonoma, California when I was starting Candy Ramadan a month ago. He said he also had a bag of chocolate-covered blueberries and a box of Ghirardelli Chocolates but that they both melted when he left them in the car all day. I kind of have a feeling that melted in the car actually meant they're in my tummy but that's OK. Obviously the love of candy is hereditary.

It's also awesome that, when I told him about this he didn't think I was crazy or ask why I was even doing it, he just went out and got me some candy. So, no matter what these were thing were going to taste like, they were going to be my favorites because they were bought with love. Also, of course they tasted awesome, are you kidding me? Chocolate + wine + cherries = so good I almost ruptured my brain with constant 'yum yum yum' noises while I ate them.

I can't believe this is over! I am so bummed, I wish I had done Candy Lent instead so I could have had 40 days instead of 30. But it was a blast, anyone who loves candy should definitely try this out sometime. I want to thank everyone who stopped by to read my blog, too. You guys are great.

So what have we learned from Candy Ramadan?
1. I will never, ever get tired of candy.

2. Candy is mostly delicious but not always.

3. Some candy companies need to work on their customer service.

4. Candy is better when it is shared.

5. Asian candy is for the adventurous.

6. The best candy can be found in unexpected places.

7. 'Premium' candy doesn't necessarily mean it's good candy.

8. Check the expiration date.
9. Red bean candy is disgusting and edible rice paper is not to be trusted.

So, what's in store for the future? There are a lot of projects that are still going on even though Candy Ramadan is over. I'm still waiting for my candy tree to grow:

I'm collecting money to buy candy for the Reese's Piece Corps' Operation: Af-Candy-Stan that I'm planning on sending when the weather gets a little cooler, hopefully by the end of September:

Yes, I'm saving the Operation: Af-Candy-Stan money in Tootsie Roll Banks.

I still need to try candy from Africa and Antarctica:

And I have a few baking projects that I will attempt with my left-over candy.

What's next? Well, I'm about to go on vacation so what could be better than sitting on the beach, drinking rum and getting no tan lines? Sitting on the beach, drinking rum and getting no tan lines while eating candy! I'm going to come back in a week and blog all about what kinds of awesome candy I snorted down from the duty-free shop and all the excellent European treats they import in St. Maarten. I have a few ideas about future candy projects, but I'll let those be a secret until I get back.

Candy Ramadan: Day 29

In my never-ending quest to glorify the word 'munch' I ate a Moose Munch Bar from Harry & David today. I got it on sale for 97-cents because they were going to discontinue some of the flavors, so that was pretty awesome. The flavor I got was S'mores. It was really good but having graham crackers and marshmallows on top of the chocolate-covered toffee popcorn and almonds seemed like overkill. The marshmallow bits were really hard, like the middle of a Violet Crumble. (Note to self: Make own candy car called Violent Pink Crumble). Now I know a lot of people adore Violet Crumbles but I think they're like taking a big old bite out of a stick of chalk. I'm getting skeeved out just thinking about the texture. Blaaaaugh!

The good thing about the Munch Bar (Note to self: Open awesome candy-and-beer place called The Munch Bar) is that the marshmallows are few and far between. I must say that there was a surprising amount of chocolate in this candy, and it was all quality stuff. If I see these next time I might just go for the regular version because I wished there was more popcorn bits in mine.

Update! Operation: Movie Theater Candy Caper went off without a hitch last night, probably because there was a metric buttload of nerds out to watch 'The Dark Knight' (which was rad, of course). I took with me a treat from Yoda's home planet: a Dagoba a organic chocolate bar that was flavored with coconut and brazil nuts. (Now I have North and South America, Asia, Australia and Europe covered for Candy Ramadan. Time to step up, Africa and Antarctica! You've only got until tomorrow!) This candy was OK, the chocolate was so creamy that is almost had a mouth-feel like butter. The word that came to mind was unctuous. Now, that might sound like a good thing but it didn't have that nice snap that chocolate should have. It was kind of weird. Plus they ground up the nuts and coconut really tiny so there wasn't a good texture contrast.

Tomorrow! We wind down Candy Ramadan!

Candy Ramadan: Day 28

What has cocoa mass, wheat syrup and 22 mg of caffeine per serving? Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolates! These little bad asses are a dark chocolate shell filled with espresso. The shell actually looks a lot like the Nestle Treasures do, like they're both little candy logs filled with gooey goodness. The box points out that "other coffee candies have a cream center or bits of coffee beans. Trader Joe's Espresso Chocolates have a real liquid espresso center." Because that's just how they roll, people. Recognize!

I liked these a lot, because if there's one thing I like as much as candy it's coffee. And coffee and chocolate are a killer combination. Also they're individually wrapped so they're tres classy even though they do squirt in your mouth when you bite on them.

I'm cutting this one a little short today because I'm about to see 'The Dark Knight'. HELLS YEAH! However, I am embarking on an illicit candy-smuggling operation at the theater, so I'll post later on how that goes. If I don't return, eat a Cow Tale in remembrance of me.

Candy Ramadan: Day 27

Because of my tardiness yesterday I will give you all a sweet two-for-one candy review today! First up we've got the Twizzlers Twerpz, which I found at Six Flags today. My search for Candy Ramadan offerings does not rest, not even in the middle of an amusement park where they charge $4 for a bottle of water! Anyway, these are described as Twizzlers with a 'tangy' filling. When I hear the word tangy I think of barbecue sauce, but I'm such a total freak for all things Twizzler that I just had to have these, possible barbecue-filled emotional scarring be damned.

The Bites come in two flavors, strawberry and orange, with corresponding fillings. Basically all these were was a Twizzler Bite stuffed with a soft Starburst. Sort of like the candy equivalent of Combos Snacks. They were really excellent, though I think the strawberry ones were a little better. The Twizzler bit didn't really offer too much by the way of taste, but it was awesomely chewy.

The second candy I had today was Caramels With Butter From Charentes-Poitou. That is their official name, I guess. Charentes-Poitou is a region in France known for butter, so I don't know if the candy is made in Charentes-Poitou or just the butter they use in the candy. I bought these at Star Provisions. If Trader Joe's is the poor man's Whole Foods, then Whole Foods is the poor man's Star Provisions. It is an uber-gourmet store. This is where you can buy French grey sea salt or foie gras or Kobe steak (on sale for $128 per pound!). They claim that the four flavors are supposed to be vanilla, almond, coffee and chocolate, but the ingredients list hazelnut instead of almond. Ooh, maybe 'hazelnut' is French for 'almond'... nope, not according to Babelfish. Anyway, I had been wary of going to Star Provisions for a candy run because I knew that they had loads of gourmet stuff there and I might sell a kidney to get my hands on some. I found these caramels and the price wasn't too bad (well, by Star Provisions standards, anyway) so I snatched them up. You know, they have a cheesemonger there and a fishmonger and a butcher and a bunch of bakers, maybe they would need a candymonger too! "Yes ma'am, we just received in a fresh batch of Nibby Bars today. We also have an excellent 2007 Wooloomooloo Bar, would you care for a sample?" HOLY CRAP THAT WOULD BE SO SO SO RAD.

...What was I talking about before I had a candy-gasm? Oh, right, the caramels. They were good, of course. Rich and creamy but not too sweet or sticky. Delicious.

Candy Ramadan: Day 26

Sorry this one is late folks, but I had limited access to teh Internetz yesterday and I didn't get around to it. Plus the candy I had for Day 26 was pretty boring: the 3 Musketeers Mint. Now, mint/chocolate are a classic combination, just like peanut butter/jelly or orange/vanilla, but like the crispy mint M&Ms I had a few days ago, the mint vastly overpowers any chocolate taste. I know from personal experience that mint is a really strong flavor, so you have to be careful when you put it in any food that you only use a teeny bit or the whole damn thing is going to taste like toothpaste. And really, the 3 Musketeers Mint bar was so minty I could feel it in my ears.

I must also confess that I've never been a real fan of 3 Musketeers. If candy bars were lingerie, a 3 Musketeers would be a training bra. I mean, it's a candy bar in the sense that it's candy and it's in bar form, but if all you're bringing to the table is a whipped nougat center, why even bother?

Candy Ramadan: Day 25

When I bought the sack of dark chocolate cacao nibs from the DeKalb Farmer's Market I was pretty stoked because I'd always wanted to try them, but then I made the mistake of going to World Market afterwards and saw something called a Chocolate Nibby Bar, which had cacao nibs in it too. Why oh why didn't I go to World Market first? I could've had a Nibby Bar! Nibby Nibby Nibbynibbynibby! That is a great name for a cat. Come here, little Nibby! Come get some Meow Mix!

In spite of the fact that these things look a little like rabbit poops, they're pretty good. Sort of like tiny chocolate-covered espresso beans. If you're into dark chocolate this would definitely be your thing. But, just like the candy sunflower seeds, I think they'd be better as an ingredient in something, like cookies. I might try to come up with a good cookie recipe for these some time.

Candy Ramadan: Day 24

Today started off totally shitty because for the first time in 24 days I FORGOT TO BRING CANDY WITH ME TO EAT. Don't worry though, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to get my dosage increased. It did make me kinda sad though because a lot of people know that I'm doing Candy Ramadan and now every day someone asks me what's my daily candy, and I always try to share some. (Unless it was the red bean candy. I wouldn't wish that foul stuff on anyone.) I have discovered that sharing candy and getting other reactions has been a lot of fun.

Not all was lost though, when I got home I sat my ass right down and snarfed a Christopher's Big Cherry which I got at Fry's Electronics. These things are great! Nothing but an unpretentious sugar bomb with invertase benzoate of soda, possible cherry pits, and Red Dyes #3 and #40. It's like a huge chocolate-covered cherry cordial but instead of the white goo filling there is a fluffy sugar pillow that is my new favorite color, violent pink. Seriously, the inside is the same exact color of the package. Science is awesome! The whole thing is covered in peanuts which gives it a good texture. It's a real antidote to the snobby stuff I had yesterday, though if I'd had these things growing up I'd had given myself diabetes by the age of six.

Candy Ramadan: Day 23

What is up with companies coming out with mega-premium super-select ultra-fabulous versions of candy? I mean, I love the idea that candy, like language and art, is an ever-changing medium that humans strive to perfect; it is a rich canvas by which we provide future generations a glimpse at our culture. So what will it say when my grandchildren learn that, during my lifetime, companies like M&Ms and Russell Stover, solid blue-collar candy-makers, produced top-of-the-grocery-store-shelf treats full of organic, Ecuadorian cacao?

Oh, none of them are bad, this Russell Stover American Classic Southern Pecan Chocolate Torte included. But it seems like there's always something... off about any of these premium candies. For instance, this candy was a base of white chocolate with dark chocolate truffle blobs and a milk chocolate top and pecan flavor. The chocolate was nice and smooth and rich, and the pecan taste was nutty and bitter enough to accent the chocolates and give it several layers of flavor. However, where Russell Stover gets it wrong is with the pecan flavoring. Why the hell didn't they put actual nuts in this? If I pay a premium price I want premium, three-dimensional pecans! The crunchy pecan bits would have been scrumptious with the creamy chocolate. Just like with the candy shell-less premium M&Ms, these are very close to being awesome but the price they're charging just isn't worth it. Russell Stover just needs to stick to the white boxes with the ribbon painted on them that my dad brings back from the outlet on his way home from Florida. My dad is the best.

Candy Ramadan: Day 22

Once again I throw myself on the potential hand grenade of Asian treats with Botan Rice Candy that I got at World Market. These were only like a dollar and I dug the outer box with a kitty jug and a flower that looks like it's made of slices of ham, then the other side had some sort of pants-less baby with a microphone. Wacky! Plus it promised that there was a FREE CHILDREN'S STICKER inside. Hooray, a candy with two-in-one choking action!

As I opened the box I saw that the flap said that each candy had an edible wrapper. Ah, we meet again, my Rice Paper Nemesis! Only this time I am on to your evil ways. So I took out a candy and stuck the whole thing in my mouth without taking off the wrapper.

I had the candy in my mouth for about 30 seconds and the wrapper had yet to dissolve. What the hell? The I noticed that the flap said that each candy had an edible inner wrapper that melted in your mouth. So basically I just tried to suck the plastic wrapper off. Rice paper 2, Sea Hag 0.

After being outsmarted once again by rice paper, I popped the plastic-free candy in my mouth. It was very good! It has a good orange flavor, actually it tasted like Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. And the texture was really good, very chewy but not sticky.

As I went around and told everyone about this candy, I was irritated to find that this is practically the only Asian candy that everyone has already tried but me. Sigh. How could I have missed the Botan Candy boat? It must be that rice paper. It hates me.

The sticker I got was a picture of a girl kneeling in front of a window. She was looking very calm and serene. I made it into a magnet. I like to think she's meditating on ways to help me get revenge on the makers of rice paper and imprisoned her in her candy box jail for so long.

Candy news! Some guy in New Zealand found a treasure chest washed up on the beach... full of candy bars! I must move to New Zealand.

Candy Ramadan: Day 21

I was fooled today by Trader Joe's Chocolate Sunflower Seed Drops today... fooled into consuming health food! I mean, the first ingredient listed was chocolate, so I figured they were OK in spite of their sunflower guts. But as I started eating them I felt... odd. Like I was being suspiciously nourished. So I checked the rest of the ingredients list and I saw that there were natural food colorings used! AAAAAAH! I just consumed something with beet powder and spinach juice!

Still, they were OK, though my stomach hurt for a bit due to the vitamins and whatnot. But the thing I liked the best was their texture was so slippery. It felt neat to stick your fingers in the carton. Also I felt like you were probably supposed to put these in something like cookies and not really to eat them straight, like chocolate chips.


Anyway, with a whole tub of these things left, I figured I could put their natural-ness to good use and try to grow a candy tree. So I planted one of each color in some potting soil I had and I put it on my porch. I will keep you updated to the progress of my candy trees.

Update! I finally got a reply from the asshats at Flyer Chocolates:

Dear Sea Hag,

We are sorry that you had a problem, as all of our
bars are shipped to our distributors in good
condition. We will contact our distributor and Alon's,
as there could have been a problem in transit during
the summer heat.

Did you return the product to Alon's for a refund? If
not, please send the empty wrapper and your receipt to
Paris Chocolates, Inc., P. O. Box 1281, Washington, CT
06793, and we will refund your money plus $2.00 for
postage and handling.

If you no longer have the wrapper and receipt, please
provide us with the amount you paid for the bar and
your mailing address and we will send you a refund
check.

If you would like to talk to one of our owners, please
provide your daytime phone number or call us at
800-226-3922 during business hours and leave your
number.

Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

The Chocolatiers at Paris Chocolates, Inc.


OK, I paid like $1.99 for this damn thing, so it's probably not even worth the waste of paper. Should I do it?

Candy Ramadan: Day 20

I finally broke down and went to the Harry & David store 44 miles away and bought me some more of those delicious soft licorice things today. And! They were having a sale so I got some other candy goodies, one of which was a bag of Red Apple Caramel Balls since I made the mistake weeks ago with the blood orange cordials. What was I thinking? Where was my head?

Anyway, I left these in the car all day in 90-degree heat so they got a little melty. Whoops. So they are now kind of amoeba-shaped instead of spherical. They taste really good though, but holy testicle Tuesday they are sweet. My molars are aching terribly and I've only had four of them. This might be because the ladies working at Harry & David were handing out a million free samples today, and I got overloaded with a bunch of chocolate truffles. Normally, of course, this would be totally fucking rad but the truffles were huge and they were really rich, so one was plenty. But they kept giving them to me and since the store was small and they were following me around I couldn't set them down behind some jars of lemon curd, and since they were chocolate I couldn't really stick them in my pocket for later, so I was forced to eat them all and ever since my mouth has been painfully a-tingle with sugar.

Reading group! So how did you like 'Candy Everybody Wants'? Were you as disappointed as I was that there wasn't any damn candy mentioned except for diabetic candy from the 80s? Were you irritated that every time you saw the cover that that 10,000 Maniacs song got stuck in your head? This week the book is 'Candy Girl' by Diablo Cody.

Blog change! Let me know how you like the new look.

Candy Ramadan: Day 19

You know what's the shit? A Toffee Crisp bar! This little nugget of joy comes from the UK and I got it at World Market. And! And! It wasn't stale! Bonus! Ding ding ding ding!


I got the Toffee Crisp because I'll support any company that dares to use the phrase 'Chewy Munch' on a wrapper. It's basically like the British 100 Grand Bar, but there's more Rice Krispies in the Toffee Crisp bar and less caramel, which, surprisingly makes it better because the two textures are perfectly balanced.

The only problem I had with this candy is my weird tendency to type 'Toffee Crips' instead of 'Toffee Crisp'. I don't think I'd want to try a Toffee Crips bar. Blood 4 Life!!!!*


Update! Thanks to the sexy advice from reader bonnjill, I sent the following e-mail to the fart-eaters at Flyer Chocolates:

Dear Flyer Chocolates:

I purchased a Flyer Gold Plane No. 1 bar for the first time at the Alon's Bakery in Atlanta, Georgia last week. I have been doing a project where I try a new candy every day until I turn 30 and the combination of pecans, caramel and dark chocolate in your candy bar sounded really good.

I was really disappointed when I opened the package yesterday and I saw that the chocolate had 'bloomed': there was a film of white stuff all over the bar, and the texture was crumbly and tasted pretty awful. The caramel was grainy and, in all, this candy was amongst one of the worst I'd had this past month... and I've tried a candy that tasted like refried beans, so that's saying a lot.

Obviously, there was a problem storing these candy bars where the temperatures they were exposed to caused your product to become inedible. I hope that, in the future, you will be able to figure out how to correct this because it seems like such a waste of good candy.

Thanks,
Sea Hag

We'll just see what, or if, they bother to respond.


*No, not really.

Candy Ramadan: Day 18

Dear Flyer Chocolate Company,

Today I sampled your oddly-named Flyer Gold Plane No. 1 that I bought from the Alon's gourmet store in the Virginia Highlands. To buy this candy bar I was assaulted by a diminutive Vietnamese man with a grocery basket full of bran muffins and a tub of hummus. I bruise very easily so I hope you appreciate what I went through to purchase your product.

I was intrigued by your claim on the back of the wrapper that this candy would take me on a "Chocolate Odyssey"TM to "The Best Candy Bar In The World" TM. Plus, you know, how can you screw up something as awesome as the combination of dark Swiss chocolate, American caramel and pecans?

So imagine my great disappointment when I unwrapped my candy and found that the chocolate was covered in a white film! Being the Food Network slut I am, I knew that my candy had suffered from 'blooming'. Here's what Wikipedia says about that:

Various types of "blooming" effects can occur if chocolate is stored or served improperly. If refrigerated or frozen without containment, chocolate can absorb enough moisture to cause a whitish discoloration, the result of fat or sugar crystals rising to the surface.

Even though it's safe to eat, it tastes weird. Kinda like when you mix peanut butter and jelly together before you slap it on some bread. It's just not the same although it technically is. The first bite was pretty crumbly, which is amazing because on your web site you talk about how wonderfully creamy and gooey the caramel is. The pecans were pretty bitter, too.

Look, if you're going to have the stones to not only claim to be the best candy in the world but to actually trademark that phrase, you have to learn how to temper and store chocolate and not use shitty-ass pecans and caramel. I had a Twix bar today that had better quality ingredients than your product, and I didn't get abused by some Asian dude with overpriced dip and a raging need for more fiber in his diet to get it, either.

So, in short, please cram your candy up your ass.

Love,
Sea Hag

Candy Ramadan: Day 17

Sky Bar:
A Study in Haiku

Fry's Electronics

An unbeknownst purveyor

of candy goodness

In the check-out line

Sky Bars wait on bottom shelf

I love impulse buys

Retro candy treat

Four flavors wrapped in chocolate

Those seem like good odds

First bite of caramel

(Pronounced with two syllables

to fit the haiku)

Too sweet and gritty

Covered in crap chocolate

I wish for Rolos

Fudge for second piece

Takes alarming amount of

Time to masticate

Peanut butter third-

Oh God! The peanut butter!

That horrid filling

Words fail to describe

Such a vile, rancid treatment

of that beloved food

Oily and bitter

I would much rather snack on

a used toilet seat

Last is vanilla

May be the best by far but

that's not saying much

Oh my dear Sky Bar

Waste of a good idea

My hopes have faded

Necco Company
Please stick to those wafer things
Leave chocolate alone